March 10, 2006, - 1:05 pm

Weekend Box Office: Terry Bradshaw’s Ass, Gory Horror Remake

By Debbie Schlussel
* “Failure to Launch“: Worst movie of 2006, so far, and I bet it stays in my top ten worst list by year’s end. For those of you who really wanted to see Terry Bradshaw’s naked, sagging ass and pot belly, this is your flick. (Yes, that Terry Bradshaw, former NFL great and current FOX NFL Sunday commentator.) For the rest, skip it. This movie was just plain awful. And stupid. I’m sure all the sucker female “Sex & the City,” Sarah Jessica Parker, and Matthew McConaughey worshippers will flock to see it. You were warned.

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Terry Bradshaw’s Ass Stars in 2006’s Dumbest Yet

* “The Hills Have Eyes“: On this site, I’ve decried the endless procession of remakes as a symbol of the death of creativity and the decay of capitalism and freedom in our society. Here is yet another. This is a remake of a 1977 horror film by Wes Craven (he also produces this remake based on his ’77 script).
Gory, very disturbing; lots of senseless, gruesome killing–including horrifying scenes of murder of family members. Definitely scary, but predictable. Also has underlying leftist story of government and Department of Defense nuclear testing which created horribly disfigured, cannibal mutant humans who have “no choice” but to murder innocent Americans because “you made us this way,” and includes the proverbial noble savage, a mutant girl. Yes, even the mutant monsters are people, too–after they murdered half a family. (Maybe the ACLU will defend them in court.)
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The Hills Have Eyes 1977 and 2006 Remake

A good message in the movie: The violent mutants turn an anti-gun liberal into a skilled and enthusiastic shooter to protect his baby. Also note: The family terrorized in this movie is named the “Carters.” When the movie came out in 1977, guess who was President and terrorized America? Just saying.

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3 Responses

Yeah, I too am bored with these ‘remakes’. Not to mention: the “director’s cut”, “additional footage”, and sub-par actor interviews that somehow missed the trash can. The fact that the “Hills” remake has a thumb print of Wes Craven’s receptionist means nothing. And these family ‘murder’ plots…the children are on the periphery of total exploitation in public moviemaking. Ever nearer to being put in sexual and murdering situations as the de-humanizing of the craven and unimaginative producers seek plot lines that can keep a theater open a week longer.

P. Aaron on March 10, 2006 at 2:25 pm

What is it with all this 1970s remakes? Hollywood has really hit rock bottom. Next thing you know, we’ll see a remake of “Halloween” where Michael Myers is gay.

KnightoftheImpaler on March 10, 2006 at 2:56 pm

Wrong, Knight. Michael Myers can’t be gay, gays are always dear sweet normal people who are mistreated by the mean old Christians and Republicans. Michael Myers must be a right wing Republican Christian oil company executive.
Terry Bradshaw is the NFL’s Duke Vitale, in other words, I always change the channel because he thinks we are turning into the show to hear how clever and smart he is.
Wish I could remember which former NFL player said Bradshaw was so dumb he couldn’t spell “cat” if you spotted him the “c” and “a.”

The_Man on March 10, 2006 at 8:10 pm

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