May 10, 2007, - 5:11 am
She’s BAAACK: Hanoi Jane Brings You the Feel-Good Child Molestation, Seduce-a-Mormon-Missionary Movie of the Year
By Debbie Schlussel
Committing treason against American soldiers at war and dying in Vietnam is difficult to top.
And since Jane Fonda can’t top that act, she’ll settle for second acts that are close enough.
Hanoi Jane can’t go to Iraq and hang with insurgents, pointing their cannons in the direction of U.S. troops. These days, their “cannons” and tanks are car bombs and IEDs, and they’d quickly strap her to those. And she can’t announce over an Al-Qaeda loud speaker to U.S. troops that they’re wrong and should give up. The Qaeda guys simply don’t have the same respect for Fonda that her buddies in the Vietcong did. They’d rape, torture, behead, and burn her to a crisp before she had the chance to say As-Salaam Aleikum.
So she’s settled for second best. Instead of betraying America’s troops, Hanoi Jane is out to betray America’s girls and America’s moms . . . and poke fun at America’s Mormons, while she’s at it. Even worse, she’s joking about child molestation and incest victims . . . On Mother’s Day Weekend!
This weekend, the former Mrs. Roger Vadim/Tom Hayden/Ted Turner, is out to ruin your Mother’s Day Weekend and that of millions of American moms and grandmoms nationwide with the release of her new movie, “Georgia Rule.”
Billed and promoted as a feel-good movie about three generations of women–a grandmother (Fonda), mother (Desperate Housewives’ Felicity Huffman), and granddaughter (Lindsay Lohan), the trailers for this film are Exhibit A in false advertising.
Here’s what the movie is really about:
A slutty, incorrigible 17-year-old rebel, Rachel (Lohan), is sent by her mother (Huffman) to spend the summer with her grandmother (Fonda) in the fictional small town of Hull, Idaho. Ostensibly, Grandma Georgia and her “Georgia Rules” are the epitome of strict disciplinarian stuff. But not really. Lohan tries to seduce, sleep with, and corrupt the entire town (and comes close enough), without a single ounce of any real discipline–or even slight disapproval–from Grandma Georgia a/k/a Hanoi Jane.
But Lohan has an “excuse” for her despicable behavior. We learn that this lying, conniving hussy was molested by her stepfather, who slept with her from age 12-14. That makes it okay that she performs a “Clinton White House internship” on a Mormon virgin engaged to be married and about to leave on a two-year Mormon mission, and she breaks up his engagement.
And beside that, the other girls and women in town are unsophisticated hicks, with bad clothes who look like they came out of the 1950s. Therefore, we must make fun of them and seduce their equally naive men. Once again, small town America is portrayed as backwards and out-of-touch to the twisted Hollywood mansion dwellers who produce this tripe.
Throughout the movie–a comedy with a little drama thrown in for a good measure of Lifetime Network movie of the week “charm”–the child molestation issue is poked at and made light of. Is she lying about it? Isn’t she lying about it? We see Lohan talk about how she felt loved when her child molester step-father held her after sex . . . at age 12. Then, we see her use this fact to try to extort a Ferrari and $10 million from him.
Oh, and I almost forgot the best part. In one scene, Lohan wrestles to the ground a boy who is mowing her grandmother’s lawn. The boy is about 11 or 12, and we hear Lohan scream as she straddles his lap, “Oh my G-d, he’s hard.” This movie is beyond disgusting.
Unfortunately, though this movie is rated “R,” Lohan is adored it-girl of many underage teen and tween girls. The filmmakers know this and that’s partly why they cast her. Lohan’s presence makes it a sure bet that kids will sneak in to see “Georgia Rule,” or get their parents to take them. Parents, I’m quite sure taking your daughters to this silver-screen does qualify as child abuse. Good-bye, “Disney’s Parent Trap” twin daughters (Lohan’s first big role); hello, Celebrated Silver Screen Slut.
Don’t rely on the “entertainment media” to give you the scoop. Last night, “Entertainment Tonight” featured Lohan’s attractive but unethical stagemom, Dina Lohan, interviewing her daughter at the movie’s New York premiere. Again, you’d think the movie was all about Mother’s Day sweetness and light, based on the segment.
When Lohan was filming this, she was an alcoholic (and still is) who failed to show up on time for filming. James G. Robinson, CEO of studio Morgan Creek Productions, sent Lohan a much publicized letter, criticizing Lohan for “discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional” conduct, claiming her behavior was that of a “spoiled child” which “has endangered the quality of this picture.” Actually, what is truly “irresponsible” and “endanger[ing] the quality” of America, is making this kind of trash and bringing it to the big screen, Mr. Robinson.
Jane Fonda wrote that she was forced into bizarre threesomes and other weird sexual acts with first husband Roger Vadim. It wasn’t enough to tell the world about it in her 2005 book. Now, unfortunately, she feels the need to project her weird former sex life on America for Mother’s Day. That, or she is really desperate for work in Hollywood.
Men: Avoid this horrid-beyond-belief chick flick like the plague. Women: Is this really what you’d want to spend two hours of your Mother’s Day Weekend seeing? Personally, I found it painful to watch. And if I didn’t have to review it, I’d have walked out . . . so very many times.
“Georgia Rule” deserves a rating of “EG” for Extreme Garbage. Debbie Rule: Don’t forget to take out the trash before Mother’s Day.
Tags: al-Qaeda, America, car bombs, CEO, Debbie Rule, Dina Lohan, Disney, entertainment media, Entertainment Tonight, Exhibit A, false advertising, Felicity Huffman, Georgia Rule, Hull, Idaho, Iraq, James G. Robinson, Jane Brings, Jane Fonda, Lindsay Lohan, loud speaker, Mormon mission, Mother's Day, New York, R, Rachel, rebel, Roger Vadim, Ted Turner, Tom Hayden, United States, USD, Vietnam, White House