May 21, 2007, - 11:50 am
By Debbie Schlussel
We’ve learned a lot of things about Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff a/k/a “Mr. Burns”, since last week’s announcement of a Senate agreement on amnesty for illegal aliens and lawbreakers.
First we learned that he’s Homeland Security’s Valley-Girl-In-Chief. Who knew? I thought the title was reserved for The ICE Princess–ICE Chieftess Julie L. Myers. But, no. Chertoff told us that Ted Kennedy is “Awesome” for embracing this absurd mass amnesty plan. Next, he’ll be telling us that the amnesty plan is “bitchin’.” Uh, Secretary Chertoff, Moon Unit Zappa called, and she wants her airheaded, juvenile ling back. If anything, this ridiculous mass giveaway of citizenship, minus any security checks on the applicants or the temporary workers, is “grody to the max like totally,” “gag me with a spoon,” etc., etc., etc.
Then, there’s Chertoff’s latest utterance–comparing those of us who oppose this immigration sieve to Goldilocks (yesterday on CNN):
If all people want to do is complain and say, well, this isn’t good enough–that’s the Goldilocks solution, where it’s always too hot or too cold.
Hard to believe this dude is Harvard-educated because he can’t even get his childhood fairy tales right. Not sure who changed his version of Goldilocks, but the one I remember–the one replicated in the Brothers’ Grimm Fairy Tales–is the one in which Goldilocks constantly finds the right temperature porridge, the right size chair, etc. After trying the Momma Bear’s and Poppa Bear’s accoutrements and finding them not to her liking, the Baby Bear’s food, chair, etc. all work out.
It’s just that unlike Chertoff and his revisionist version of Goldilocks, the actual, fabled Goldilocks not only did trial and error, but she actually learned from it and didn’t choose the wrong options over and over and over. She eventually discovers that the Baby Bear’s items worked for her. It’s like Chertoff keeps picking the adult bears ill-fitting plans and schemes, even though we’ve tried them in the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s–through each new “this will be the last, last amnesty” bill. And they never work.
Yes, we’d be better off with Goldilocks running the show, instead of Chertoff. She learned from her mistakes, as we have. The Goldilocks policy of tightening our borders and sending illegal aliens home works is JUST RIGHT.
Too bad Valley-Girl-in-Chief Chertoff and his “Awesome” friend Ted Kennedy are still trying out Mama and Papa Bear’s lifestyle.
To sum up, Chertoff is:
* A Bad Valley Girl (too old, wrong sex, and wrong decade to be one);
* A Bad Revisionist Fairy Tale Teller; and above all,
* A Bad Homeland Security Secretary.
And based on his comments and failed analogy, I’m proud to be “Goldilocks” Schlussel.
Tags: Bad Homeland Security Secretary, Bad Revisionist Fairy Tale Teller, Chair, chief, CNN, David Lunde, Debbie Schlussel, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff a/k/a, etc, food, Harvard, Julie L. Myers, Love, Michael Chertoff, Moon Unit Zappa, Secretary, Senate, size chair, Ted Kennedy, Teddy Kennedy Too, Valley-Girl-in-Chief