September 28, 2007, - 2:51 pm
By Debbie Schlussel
Four new releases this weekend, and not much there. If you’re a parent, there’s something semi-okay in “The Game Plan.” Otherwise, I’d recommend “3:10 to Yuma,” “In the Shadow of the Moon,” and “The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters” (if you haven’t yet seen them)–all of them fantastic–instead of this weeks offerings. Otherwise, there are these:
* “The Kingdom“: The plot: FBI agents fictionally get to enter the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia to investigate who is behind the bombing of a building populated by Americans. This is nothing more than a Pan-Saudi propaganda action thriller that tells us we’re just like the Saudis and our FBI agents are morally equivalent to terrorists. Yeah, right. Read my complete review.
* “The Game Plan“: I’m not sure I like the idea of Disney promoting a movie about a kid born out of wedlock, though the circumstances here are different. Still, this corny movie has its redeeming value–like the fact that a father figure becomes a stand up guy who loves his daughter and does his best to protect and raise her. And, surprisingly, the post-steroidal Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson does a stand-up job (he’s shrunk so much that he went from playing a Lineman–Defensive Tackle at the University of Miami–to now playing a QB on the silver screen).
The plot: A conceited, self-centered, Elvis-loving NFL quarterback learns he has an 8-year-old daughter when this cute and sagacious little kid pops up for a visit. After resenting it, he quickly grows up and falls in love with his daughter.
The daughter, Peyton–played by Madison Pettis–is at first so very cute. But she’s so cute, it becomes saccharin-ly so and very annoying. Still, it’s suitable for taking young kids to the movie and, again, shows a great father-daughter relationship, something we see far too little of from Hollywood.
* “The Darjeeling Limited“: This movie was so bad, I’m considering never drinking Darjeeling Tea again, lest it remind me of this moviegoing experience. Three brothers–Jason Schwartzman, Adrien Brody, and the Wilson that’s in rehab (Owen)–go on a train journey in India a year after their father (Bill Murray) died. The only funny part is at the beginning when you see Bill Murray racing across town in India to catch his train. The rest is just absurd and stupid. This is billed as a comedy, but there were no jokes, there’s no humor, and it’s not funny. So, I don’t get that label. Even though it’s only an hour and a half long, it seemed like forever. And there were five times I thought–I hoped and prayed–it would end, but it kept on going for no apparent reason. A complete, self-absorbed waste of time.
No wonder Owen Wilson is in rehab. If I were in this disaster, I’d be there, too.
(In the screening for critics, we were shown a short film related to the movie, beforehand. That film–whose sole purpose seems to be to show us Natalie Portman’s saggy, cellulite-endowed, naked butt–was equally a waste of time, if not moreso. It’s not being shown in theaters, but instead is available online. But don’t waste your time. It’s an experiment to get moviegoers to watch dumb things online. Make that experiment fail, as well as the movie. Yuck.)
* “Feast of Love“: More Like “Feast of the Lifetime Network on Steroids” filled with unattractive softcore porn of all varieties, including lesbians. Director Robert Benton–the guy who made “Kramer vs. Kramer“–made this after a long hiatus from the movie biz. He should have stayed retired. Instead he gave us “Kramer vs. America’s Moviegoing Public.” Or maybe it’s “Benton vs. America at the Movies.” Either way, here’s a hint: America’s Moviegoing Public loses . . . if you wasted $10 bucks to see this. Absolutely horrid and pointless.
The plot (if you can call it that): A professor on a leave of absence (Morgan Freeman) gives love and relationship advice to various friends from a local coffee shop. The relationships mostly fail, and in the process we’re shown more onscreen close-ups of flat-chested women’s nipples than even a pervert would care to see. Also stars Greg Kinnear as a two-time loser in relationships. Same goes for the lesbian sex scene involving Selma Blair (who was called Blair Beitner when she attended the same private school I went to). Yuck.
Don’t waste your time on this useless chick-flick melodrama (with apologies to “chick-flicks”–this is far worse).
Tags: 3:10 to Yuma, Adrien Brody, America, Bill Murray, Blair Beitner, Darjeeling Limited, Debbie Schlussel Four, director, Federal Bureau of Investigation, Greg Kinnear, In the Shadow of the Moon, India, Jason Schwartzman, King, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, Kramer vs. Kramer, Morgan Freeman, Natalie Portman, National Football League, NFL, Professor, Propaganda, Quarterback, Robert Benton, Selma Blair, Tackle, The Game Plan, The King of Kong, University of Miami, USD, Wilson