June 30, 2010, - 4:25 pm
If you want to know my review of “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse,” in theaters today, check out my review of “The Twilight Saga: New Moon.” It’s the same movie, only this latest regurgitation is far more boring. Been there, induced to sleep through that. The only difference is that this one has graphic violence and a not-vague-enough mention of gang rape. Yay.
It’s no coincidence that the movie posters for this and the second installment of the teen angst vampires versus wolves saga are almost exactly the same. The story is identical. A brooding high school teen , Bella, is in love with a vampire, Edward Cullen. But her American Indian friend, Jacob, is a werewolf who is in love with her, too, and fights over her. Meanwhile, “newbie” vampires are thirsting for human blood and planning to drink that of Bella and her town.
Yawn. Like I said, it’s the same boring, overwrought story as the second movie: the vampire and the werewolf fighting over the mortal chick. The same icky late-40s and 50-something moms are flocking to see it and pedophile-esquely drooling over 17-year-old Taylor Lautner (Jakob) showing his ripped bare chest, etc. “Eeuuww: The sequel.” And the same over-abundant uber-excess of making out and brooding goes on throughout this one as it did in the second installment. It’s just warmed over old milk, tasting even more spoiled.
What’s hard to understand is what these two male wannabe supermodels see in Bella. She’s plain, always sullen, has zero personality or sense of humor, and dresses like a man (so many plaid men’s shirts, I thought I was at a WNBA game or a comfortable shoes seminar). Would it kill her to wear a skirt, heels, or some make-up once in a while? She broods like it’s going out of style and is completely annoying. Essentially, she’s the man in this love triangle with two pretty boy chick girlie-men fighting over her. She wants to have sex and wants to become a vampire. So what? Who cares? I certainly don’t.
If there’s one good thing about the movie aimed at teen girls, it’s that the vampire makes an eager Bella wait until marriage for sex. But that’s not enough to make this waste of time a good movie. And the message is lost, as the movie is gushed over by far too many middle-aged American women with sick “cougar” predator fantasies imprinted on them by too many “Sex and the City” re-runs.
And aside from the sex message, I thought it was kind of violent and graphic for young girls. Vampires and werewolves decapitate and dismember several other vampires and you see their dismembered limbs and heads up close. A female vampire tells Bella about her life as a mortal, in which she was gang-raped, left for dead, and then a vampire drank her blood. Yeah, that’s the wholesome stuff you want your young daughter hearing at the movies, right?
Uh-huh, this drivel is what passes for “movies for your kids,” these days. Stephenie Meyer is laughing all the way to the bank.
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Bella, cougars, decapitations, dismemberment, Eclipse, Edward, Edward Cullen, gang rape, graphic, Jacob, middle aged women, movie review, Movie Reviews, newbies, rape, Rob Pattinson, Robert Pattinson, Stephenie Meyer, Taylor Lautner, The Twilight Sage: Eclipse, Twilight, vampires, violence, werewolves