November 14, 2006, - 11:31 am
By Debbie Schlussel
Citizenship and Immigration Services (CIS) is trying out a new citizenship exam in 10 U.S. cities, this winter. Allegedly, the new test will focus on the immigrants’ grasp of U.S. democracy instead of the current one, which is heavy on history, the flag, etc.
But hasn’t the test always done this–focused on democracy and the Constitution? It has, and it hasn’t made a dent in loyalty of certain aliens seeking citizenship, like the ones from the “Religion of Peace.” Changing the questions from a focus on the colors of the flag to the Boll of Rights–as this “new” test does–won’t change a thing. If, say, Mohammed Atta took the test, he’d know the answers through rote memorization. That’s what Sami Al-Arian was planning to do (he had his green card).
CIS spokesman Shawn Saucier claims the new test will
make sure people who apply for citizenship and want to become citizens understand and adhere to the values we have as a society.
But how does focusing on more rote memorization of the same Constitutional facts and phrases do that? It simply doesn’t.
Knowing the answers wouldn’t mean a thing about loyalty to America or belief in our democracy. My suggested citizenship test would be short and simple–and very revealing. Here are the questions that should be on the test, but which America doesn’t have the testicles to ask of those who want official membership in our country (must be taken with a lie detector test):
1. If a woman doesn’t want to cover her hair with a headscarf, she should be:
a) allowed to do as she pleases.
b) stoned to death, after being buried up to the neck in dirt. The woman exposed her sexy hair to men who are not her husband, so she is clearly a whore unworthy of life.
c) forced to watch PBS specials and the “ladies” of “The View.” Wearing a do-rag on my head is like way totally cool. Means I don’t have to wash or do my hair.
2. If a person who was once a Muslim chooses to convert to Christianity and attend an Evangelical Church, he should be:
a) allowed to worship as he pleases, in peace.
b) beheaded, after being tortured with cigarette burns and amputation of each of his extremities.
c) forced to take a poor Kazakh named “Borat” into his church and then pay for Borat’s busfare to California to meet his new wife, Pamela Anderson.
3. If you encounter a Jew walking down the street, you should:
a) do nothing and go on your way like any other normal American. Jews have been loyal citizens in this country from the time of its founding and serve in all branches of the armed forces.
b) point him out to your children as the son of pigs and monkeys (just like the followers of Jesus through Mary are), whom Allah will destroy when America becomes a Muslim country after decades of illegal aliens and kowtowing to the rights of Islam above all others. Teach your children that it is rewarding to stab him.
c) treat him to a gefilte fish souffle or bagels au lox.
4. Your religion is:
a) one of the Judeo-Christian theologies or one of the more peaceful Asian religions, such as the Bahai Faith.
b) the “Religion of Peace.”
c) House of Jim Jones with communion of purple Kool Aid.
5. The Constitution is:
a) a document written by our brilliant founders, which gives all people of all faiths, non-faiths, and creeds the right to life and liberty, free speech, freedom of religion, and many other rights that Islamofascists envy for themselves but want to take away from us.
b) contains certain sections which we can use to help jihadists and give them rights we didn’t have in our Muslim nations; is a document soon to be replaced by the Koran; is suitable for toilet paper by our dear brothers, the freedom fighter tenants of Guantanomo Bay.
c) something that is helped when senior citizens drink their prune juice and take their meds.
6. Jihad is:
a) the Islamofascist fight to defeat all non-Muslims, using force and violence.
b) the just cause and required course for all Muslims.
c) the first name of the exotic guy I’m “dating,” who gives me drugs and is teaching me the beauty of Islam and hating my Christian and Jewish parents.
7. The Koran is:
a) a document that sounds strangely plagiarized and poorly reworked from the Christian and Jewish Bible; has been used to justify mass murder of innocents for centuries, an excuse that continues to be employed for the same to date.
b) the document that is my ultimate authority and commands me to lie, cheat and steal from all non-Muslims until I forcibly convert them; will ultimately replace the U.S. Constitution as the supreme law of the United States, as Allah has commanded it shall be so.
c) that cool book that my boyfriend Jihad says will change my life, once I’ve covered my hair and had 7 children with him.
8. If a Muslim woman dates a non-Muslim man, she is:
a) an open and tolerant person. But who cares if he’s not a Muslim, and why is it our business?
b) a whore who disgraces us all and must be honor-”eliminated” immediately by her parents, brothers, or uncle.
c) Well, why should she date a non-Muslim, when she could become one of the multiple wives of my boyfriend, Jihad?
9. The American Flag is:
a) the symbol of the greatest country on earth, the emblem of freedom, bravery, and heroism, the emblem of our various states–the originals and the rest.
b) a dirty rag symbolizing evil Zionist imperalists and stupid, immoral Yankee gluttons. The flag will soon change, and we can’t wait to put our crescent and ugly colors of orange, black, green, and white that adorn every virtually identical, unoriginal flag of each of the Muslim/Arab nations.
c) Uh, can you pass the chips, please? Those joints made me hungry.
Yes, that test would be very revealing, and no-one needs to study for it. Again, potential citizens would have to take it while hooked up to a lie detector test. After all, Islam believes in taqiyah (deception of Infidels). It would help us root out a lot of undesirable citizens. And prevent us from having rallies on our own shores of 10 to 25,000 so-called Americans celebrating a group (Hezbollah) which murdered 300-plus Americans.
But why do it? After all, we’re just going through the motions. And we’re really not serious in the War on Terror. A re-worked, rote memorization exam won’t change that.
Hint: If you answer anything but “(a)” to all of the questions, you probably shouldn’t be eligible for citizenship.
CIS spokesman Saucier says the new test was
designed to encourage immigrants to really look at our history and government.
Believe me, they’ve looked. And, most recently, they see mush. That’s the problem.
Flashback: New Dutch Citizenship Test Irks Muslims. Now, that’s where we should be headed–a test like that before we become like the Dutch, who’ve lost their country to Islamofascism and are too late to take it back. But sort of trying.
Tags: America, amputation, California, Debbie Schlussel Citizenship, Evangelical Church, Guantanomo Bay, Hizballah, Immigration Services, Jihad, Jim Jones, Mohammed Atta, Pamela Anderson, Sami Al-Arian, Shawn Saucier, spokesman, supreme law, The View, United States