January 8, 2007, - 5:10 pm

HOprah Watch: Today on Oprah, BM Talks About BM

By Debbie Schlussel
**** UPDATED: No, this isn’t a joke. Oprah had on her buddy, doctor Mehmet Oz, and these were the questions. ****
Today on Oprah, this was the first topic of discussion:

Oprah, I can’t get my poop to come out in the shape of an “S”. How do you get your poop to come out in the shape of an “S”? Oprah, Please Help!

Other scintillating, high-brow questions were about why Oprah and Stedman’s poop sometimes smells bad.
That’s where HRHSBotU (Her Royal Highness Supreme Being of the Universe) Oprah and I differ. She thinks her “poop” don’t stink. And I think it’s pretty smelly, all the time, including the verbal poop excreted on her daily talk show and in her magazine.

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27 Responses

Drew Barrymore should have been on to talk about her “poop in the forest”, or her sack of poop ex husband Tom Green.

Skippy on January 8, 2007 at 5:27 pm

What the hell is that? What am I reading?
Poop in the shape of an “S”? I can hardly get it out in the shape of a “L”.
What show is that? “Turd Knitting”?
What if I have diarrhea?
I hope HoPrah will give us some guidelines and directions on how to make a look good – smell good “S” poop.
I really am dreaming of an “S” poop for many years now. I guess I never tried until today.
I think that’s why the World envy us…because we can.

Independent Conservative on January 8, 2007 at 5:42 pm

Transcipt of Tape Recording
Guest.
Oprah, I can’t get my poop to come out in the shape of an “S”. How do you get your poop to come out in the shape of an “S”? Oprah, Please Help!
Oprah.
Well, Honey, I—Oprah—have a lot of experience with poop writing. Basically, it’s a matter of moving your can, or booty, so as to produce letters.
Guest.
I think I see.
Oprah.
No, Honey, you don’t see. But I—Oprah—will show you. Now get your face next to my well-fed butt, or as I—Oprah—like to call it, The Fundament Fabulous.
First I drop my voluminous panties. Like this… Notice the steele cables and five inch pullies. These are needed to haul the panties over the nether area that I like to call “The Hips of Fear.”
Guest.
Oh, my G-d! Your panties are as big as a car cover.
Oprah.
That’s right, Honey. And I USE them as a car cover, too, and occasionally as a hammock for visiting elephants, such as Rosie O’Donnell.
Now, the next step is to position your booty over a writing surface, such as the recently published “Collected Thoughts of Nancy Pelosi.” Sure there are only two pages. And sure the collective thoughts consist of one liners, such as “I got a new face-lift. Now my tits are on my forehead.” But Nancy is trying to be writer—when she’s not busy doing her impression of a surprised raccoon.
Now just squeeze that colon, which I—Oprah—call the Cave of Death—and shake your nether regions in a circle.
Guest.
Like this?
Oprah.
You got it, Honey. I—-Oprah—deem your production a success. You drew an O with your ass, or as I—Oprah—like to call it, an Ass O. Shall we work on W. It involves a lot of back and forth, but you look like you got the hips, Honey.
But before we work on other letters, we’ll have to refuel. Here. Have a bucket of beans.

lance de boyle on January 8, 2007 at 5:55 pm

Debbie, you may be interested in this, or you may already be “on it”.
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/printer-friendly.asp?ARTICLE_ID=53656

feralcat9 on January 8, 2007 at 6:13 pm

The topic of the show was “Dr.Oz answers your most embarrassing health questions”.
http://www2.oprah.com/index.jhtml
Most of you conservatives here bash Oprah when she helps impoverished girls (including Whites) in South Africa and now you bash her for having a program on embarrassing health questions.
Oprah is a magnanimous soul. I wonder if that could be said of anyone here.

Norman Blitzer on January 8, 2007 at 6:26 pm

did they talk about the 50 pounds of crack they found on oprah ass?

PNAMARBLE on January 8, 2007 at 6:26 pm

lance de boyle, thanks for the transcript. I needed detailed instructions.
Finally, I achieved my American Dream.
After eating 5 cans of Bush Beans with garlic and onions, I reach out to the almighty potty, and with an explosive blow I discharged the content of the colon, following HoPrah’s directions by moving the butthole side wise.
Oh It was soooo good!!
I didn’t know I could make such a big ass “S”!!
Thank God!!
Unfortunately, I didn’t find the “Collected Thoughts of Nancy Pelosi” as a poop pad, but I did use the “When I was in Vietnam” by John Kerry, it worked like a diarrhea: smooth and easy.
Hey, by the way, do you know the directions for making “Poop Pie with Prune Juice”?

Independent Conservative on January 8, 2007 at 7:03 pm

Debbie, even though you said it’s not a joke, still I have to ask, is this a joke?????
Why in the world would anyone want or care about “S” shaped poop?
Which one asked the question, Beavis or Butthead?

The_Man on January 9, 2007 at 12:23 am

Norman Blitzer,
Are you for real?
I thought the girls she’s helping in So. Africa were black. I thought they weren’t letting in white folk! How do you know they are including whites?
Thanks for the link though, I clicked on it and guess what the topic of tomorrow’s show is? “Does my butt look big?” Really, people have to ask her if they have a big butt? Beyond absurd.

CarpeDiem on January 9, 2007 at 2:32 am

CarpeDiem,
CNN did a report on the school and showed a White girl who is a student. The report also showed Oprah at a press conference stating that the school did not discriminate on race. However, there’s a household income cap on potential candidates (from cnn.com):
“To qualify, they had to show both academic and leadership potential and have a household income of no more than 5,000 rands ($787) a month. Eventually the academy will accommodate 450 girls.”
As for “does my butt look big”, ok, the show is running out of steam and sure, some of the show’s topics are vulgar, but viewers are apparently getting a kick out of it and maybe they’re learning something that they normally would not have learned before.

Norman Blitzer on January 9, 2007 at 3:35 am

Oprah had another episode awhile back where she polled the women in the audience about which direction they wiped when finished on the tiolet. The choices were front to back, back to front, and air-dry. I’m totally serious, this was on national T.V. in the middle of the day, and my wife and I laughed ourselved to tears over it.

Bucky The Moonbat Slayer on January 9, 2007 at 3:54 am

Norman Blitzer,
Ok, thanks for the info. I’d still like to hear more about her selection process though.
As far as the “does my butt look big” show I still think it’s beyond dumb and these topics are so ridiculous. Why so much emphasis on butts? Can she find nothing else to discuss? ;)

CarpeDiem on January 9, 2007 at 9:00 am

Bucky,
You cannot be serious! I had no idea since I don’t watch. Well, do you remember which method won? :) And she is the richest woman on t.v.??

CarpeDiem on January 9, 2007 at 9:09 am

Blitzed said;
“CNN did a report on the school and showed a White girl who is a student.”
Gee whiz, a token white student.
“The report also showed Oprah at a press conference stating that the school did not discriminate on race.”
And you believe everything CNN reports. LMFAO!
“However, there’s a household income cap on potential candidates (from cnn.com):”
That’s the discriminatory tactic they use to enroll an overwhelmingly black student body since whites are more affluent than blacks. Instead of using that stealth reason for admittance, Ofrah should be using academic standards, instead. But this way, she can keep the school almost exclusively black.
And, how can anyone really prove someone earns below a given amount? If some black African has a business selling charcoal, how can Ofrah prove that he’s not earning more than a arbitrarily set standard of $787.00 per month. (And, BTW, by South African standards, $787.00 per month is pretty high…that’s a lot of money – who else but whites earn that much?)
But Blitzed is such a good LIBERAL, that he buys into Ofrah and her discriminatory practices.

Thee_Bruno on January 9, 2007 at 9:15 am

Never watched Oprah. Never plan to. Could not pick her out in a lineup, facing backward, alongside Hillary, Rosie, Queen Latifah. But if she wants to do real good, then fund private inner city schools in the U.S., open to all in the lower income range. Give till it hurts Oprah, till you’re not sure where the next mansion mortgage payment comes from. Till then, I’d rather see the weather channel.

Happiness Pursuer on January 9, 2007 at 10:58 am

Thee_Buffoon,
In South Africa, Oprah is helping the poorest of the poor reach their full potential. Rich kids already have a decent education, they don’t need Oprah’s help. The fact is that Apartheid ended only over a decade ago so the chances that a White kid is going to be in the poorest economic class today is slim. Plus, Whites only makeup 14% of the population, so even if all things were equal, statistically speaking, there would only be around 20 White girls at the school. Also I think Oprah and her aides are smart enough to come up with a good way to tell if a girl comes from a very poor home or not.
As for the report on Oprah by CNN, I heard it from Oprah’s mouth that the school doesn’t discriminate on race.
Posted by: CarpeDiem
[Why so much emphasis on butts? Can she find nothing else to discuss? ;)]
I think it’s a chick thing.:)

Norman Blitzer on January 9, 2007 at 11:57 pm

Blitzed,
The way to help kids is not based upon who is poor. If that was the case, the entire NYC Public School System would be the envy of the world (FYI, it is not…it is a fucking disaster that is hemmoraging teachers and students by the day). If that was the case, the white student in Ofrah’s school wouldn’t even be there because she could afford a private education (she’s a token white kid to sucker the stooooooopid people, like yourself into thinking Ofrah’s not a racist).
The only valid benchmark to qulaify kids into getting a quality education is not defined by their parents’ monthly income, but rather, the students’ academic abilities. EVERY PRIVATE INSTITUTION IN AMERICA BASES THEIR ADMISSIONS ON ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT…AND NOT THEIR PARENTS’ MONTHLY INCOME! HOW IS IT THAT ALL OF THE PRIVATE INSTITUTIONS ONLY ACCEPT THE BEST………….NOT THE POOREST….YOU COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE, YOU!
Now, asswipe, ask yourself this: “What good does it do for a student to get into Ofrah’s racist school if the kid’s parents are poor, yet the kid is a dummy?” You should know this from your EXPERIENCE – you were a complete failure as a student and a human being, yet what good would it do you to waste Ofrah’s money trying to educate a complete moron like yourself. Wouldn’t it be better for Ofrah to spend her money on kids who show promise, rather than on what their parents monthly income was?
BUT, I can understand that you’re too stoooooooopid to understand that basic concept.
Blitzed, do us all a favor, and keep posting more of your inane, asinine, absolutely stooooooopid remarks. It only shows the rest of the world what a complete asshole you really are.

Thee_Bruno on January 10, 2007 at 1:17 am

Blitzed also regurgitated;
“As for the report on Oprah by CNN, I heard it from Oprah’s mouth that the school doesn’t discriminate on race.”
And you believe everything that Ofrah says?!!!
What a fucking MORON!
BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……
Keep posting, shithead!

Thee_Bruno on January 10, 2007 at 1:19 am

Thee_Buffoon, THE ILLITERATE FOOL, this is what you posted:
“What good does it do for a student to get into Ofrah’s racist school if the kid’s parents are poor, yet the kid is a dummy?”
This is what I posted from cnn.com (PLEASE READ
WHAT IS IN CAPITALS):
“To qualify, they had to show both ACADEMIC and LEADERSHIP POTENTIAL and have a household income of no more than 5,000 rands ($787) a month. Eventually the academy will accommodate 450 girls.”
Thee_Buffoon posted:
>And you believe everything that Ofrah says?!!!
I give Oprah the benefit of the doubt because she does a lot of good for people.
OTOH, Thee_Buffoon, no one should believe anything you say because not only are you an ILLITERATE FOOL, but you are a proven LIAR!!!
But keep posting Thee_Buffoon. As I stated before, you’re only humiliating yourself.

Norman Blitzer on January 10, 2007 at 2:09 am

Blitzed;
There you go again. Trying to weasel your way out of what you initially posted.
You pull the same shit every time. Every time I expose you for the non-informed jerkoff that you are, you start researching the topic, then post more crap in order to fool the reader into thinking that the new posts were your original posts all along.
You also vomited;
“I give Oprah the benefit of the doubt because she does a lot of good for people.”
OK, by your criteria, anyone who does a lot of good for people gets your approval. Great. Now let’s look at history and current events:
Adolf Hitler – Homicidal maniac who did good things for Germany by turning around the economy and heightening nationalism before igniting a world war….he gets your “benefit of the doubt”.
Osama bum Laden – Homicidal maniac who did good things for Assramistan by fighting the Soviets and building infrastructure using his family’s business….he gets your “benefit of the doubt”.
Fidel Castro – Homicidal maniac who did good things by overthrowing an unpopular regime in Cuba….he gets your “benefit of the doubt”.
Ho Chi Minh – Homicidal maniac who did good things by fighting the French….he gets your “benefit of the doubt”.
George Bush – Nice guy who turned around America’s economy, liberated the oppressed, and tried to work with America-hating Democraps….but wait…..no benefit of the doubt for him.
No, you give Ofrah the benefit of the doubt because you’re a total, LIBERAL shithead who buys into her racist, discriminatory propaganda.
Keep posting, fucktard…the world needs a good laugh.
AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..

Thee_Bruno on January 10, 2007 at 10:23 am

“EVERY PRIVATE INSTITUTION IN AMERICA BASES THEIR ADMISSIONS ON ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT…AND NOT THEIR PARENTS’ MONTHLY INCOME! HOW IS IT THAT ALL OF THE PRIVATE INSTITUTIONS ONLY ACCEPT THE BEST………….NOT THE POOREST….”
Bwhahahahhahahaha!!
Many private instutions, ESPECIALLY the elite ones have a few slots set aside for special admits, aka legacy admits. For an prime example of your legacy admit, look no further than your current President of the United States. Any middle class Joe with his unremarkable and unstellar high school record would have been denied entry into Yale.
Honest admission offices will tell you that there are “other” considerations besides academic merit, especially if you are rich or your parents are very influential.

mykay on January 10, 2007 at 10:50 pm

Nice try, Mykay, but Bush was a very good student at Yale. In fact, I believe he’s the only president to have a masters degree. He got it while at Harvard. His grades were also better than Kerry’s: they both attended Yale.
Sure, there are exceptions to admission policies, however, the overwhelming majority is based upon academic ability.
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/washington/articles/2005/06/07/yale_grades_portray_kerry_as_a_lackluster_student/

Thee_Bruno on January 11, 2007 at 9:54 am

Nice try, Thee_Bruno but I was talking about his high school record. There is nothing remarkable about his high school record or his test scores that would merit him admission into Yale, one of the most selective schools in the nation. He had average grades, no distinctions and SAT scores that were in the bottom percentiles of his entering class. Had a middle class Joe had the same record Bush did, there is zero chance they would have ever been considered for admission at Yale. There are lots of people who had much better academic records than Bush had and still would never have a chance for admission into Yale because they didn’t have an influential grandfather and father that were alumni. Bush got into Yale through a legacy system and that is a fact. I don’t know why you rabidly bring up John Kerry since I never mentioned him but Kerry was a legacy admit as well. Bush might have been able to get through Yale but many others who seem to be more deserving based upon merit, were never given the chance to prove themselves. It’s not just “exceptions”, it’s much more than that. Students with influential parents and money stand a better shot than the average Joe does. Sure the admissions give lip service to merit but its not 100% truthful.

mykay on January 11, 2007 at 8:47 pm

Doesn’t mean shit, mykay, Bush did better than Kerry in school in Yale…and we were talking about YALE…..you brought it up, shithead.
Bush ALSO has an MBA. All Kerry and Gore did was evade VietNam duty.
LOL!

Thee_Bruno on January 13, 2007 at 5:05 pm

Obviously your reading comprehension is non-existent. Neither Bush OR Kerry earned their way into Yale through merit. They were both admitted because they were legacies, pure and simple and not by any stretch of merit. Especially when you consider the records of Bush’s entering class. You claim that all private institutions in America admit on merit when that is NOT THE CASE and NEVER HAS BEEN. George Bush is the most famous example of this unfair perk of privelege. Sorry, those are the facts.
To quote Bush, “To all you C students out there, you too can be President”.
Odd, Kerry “evaded” Vietnam by doing a tour of duty right after he graduated Yale. Gore “evaded” Vietnam by doing a tour of duty during his enlistement. Bush did his tour of duty in Texas. Funny how that works.

mykay on January 13, 2007 at 9:13 pm

AAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….
Kerry spent 3 months in Viet Nam exaggerating his record, evading serious combat, shooting a grain of rice in his ass, lying about how he earned purple hearts, all to get sent back to the states and protest against the servicemen sttill there, and throwing his ribbons over the White House fence.
SWIFTBOAT VETS FOR TRUTH, ANYONE?!
Al Gore went to Viet Nam, however, his service there was kept a secret by the LIBERALS. Al Gore spent time in Viet Nam safely ensconced behind a typewriter reporting for the US military. He never saw ANY combat. He got his post in Viet Nam behind his typewriter thanks to his father, who was a US Senator from Tennessee at the time.
I’m glad you fell into my trap!
LMFAO!
Bush did better than Kerry at Yale and he is the only president to earn a masters degree.
LOL!
You brought up Yale…not I.

Thee_Bruno on January 15, 2007 at 11:06 am

The truth about the Swift Boat vets have come out. Nice smear job!
How does actually going to Vietnam actually fit into the definition of “avoiding Vietnam”. You said it not I.
Bush blatantly got his post at the Texas National Guard thanks to his father. No duh! Bush scored the lowest accepted score on the pilot aptitude and still managed to get a slot for which there was a waiting list a mile long 12 days before he was to graduate Yale. Sounds a lot like Gore’s comfy position, except oh wait Gore voluntarily enlisted. Gore’s tour of duty may have been shortened but it’s exactly like how Bush’s “tour of duty” was shortened so he could work on a campaign.
Bush has a M.B.A. but you are incorrect to say that Kerry did nothing. After Kerry returned from “avoiding Vietnam”, he went and earned his J.D., passed the bar and practiced law. As far as presidents with post-graduate degrees, Bush isn’t the first nor he will be the last.

mykay on January 30, 2007 at 9:31 pm

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