November 24, 2010, - 12:29 pm
The best–and only worthwhile–movie debuting on this mid-week Thanksgiving holiday is an animated Disney flick. So, what else is new?
* “Tangled“: Terrific. Enjoyed this much more than I expected I would. Charming and great for your whole family, especially if you have young kids. This is Disney’s animated version of the Rapunzel fairy tale. It is part musical–lots of singing with Mandy Moore’s surprisingly strong voice (she’s Rapunzel)–and all adventure. It’s very cute, and although the Rapunzel character will appeal more to girls, there are several characters aimed at boys. The male hero (voiced by Zachary Levi) is somewhat of an inept smart aleck and kinda metrosexual, but I doubt kids will pick up on it.
You know the story, though it’s been slightly embellished for the movie. Funny, I don’t remember the part about Rapunzel’s hair glowing and being able to tie people up, but it’s been a long time since my parents read me the fairy tale as a little kid. Princess Rapunzel is kidnapped as a baby and must spend her life, raised by the woman she thinks is her mother, in a tower. Only when she lets her hair down can people climb up and down the hair to get into the tower. But she is stuck there. She longs to see life outside and encounter the floating lights she sees every year on her birthday. But her “mother,” Gothel won’t let her go outside into the real world. Eventually, though, a bandit (Flynn Ryder) brings her out of the tower and into the Kingdom, where her parents, the King and Queen, constantly search for their long-lost baby.
Pleasant, fun, and entertaining. And, as I said, the singing is very strong. It’s not an adult film, but perfectly fine for parents who want to enjoy the movie with their whole family and not worry about objectionable stuff. There’s none of that here.
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Burlesque“: Basically, this is “Showgirls” for gay men . . . minus the topless stuff. It’s got Cher, gay characters sleeping around and not knowing their names when they wake up in the morning and joking about it (Joe Pesci: Funny how?!), Christina Aguilera, and a whole bunch of other actresses who look like female impersonators but have great bodies and wear skimpy lingerie on them. The 1930s decade is turning over in its grave. But, hey, Julianne Hough needs a job post- “Dancing With the Stars.”
Most of this movie is crappy. But parts of it–like Cher singing two solos–are simply unbearable. In the ’70s, when she sang with her deep voice, it was shtick. In the ’80s, it was cheesy. But in 2010, hearing this 60-something plastic surgery exhibit struggle to warble high notes with her low-octave voice is literally like hearing sheep scream in mid-slaughter. Painful.
Also painful is the laughable dialogue and silly story, which–as I noted–”advances” little beyond “Showgirls,” except that the nipples are now covered . . . barely.
Aguilera plays a small-town waitress from Iowa who moves to Hollywood to make a better life and succeed as a dancer and singer. She sees a nightclub, “Burlesque,” owned by Cher. The gimmick of the club is a song and dance routine featuring Cher and young chicks shimmying around in lingerie to golden oldies a la “The Pussycat Dolls.” Aguilera maneuvers her way into a waitressing job, trying to convince Cher and her gay assistant, Stanley Tucci, that she should be up on stage with the other girls. Soon, she’s taken over and replaced the main star (Kristen Bell), who wants revenge. Oh, and the bar is defaulting on its bank loan, and a handsome (by “Grey’s Anatomy” standards, not mine) real estate developer (Eric Dane) wants to buy Cher and her ex-husband out. Soon, a love triangle develops between Dane and a gay-looking bartender in eye-liner (oops, I meant GUY-liner), Cam Gigandet.
Guys, trust me. This is a chick flick worth doing almost anything to get out of.
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Faster“: The title is what I’d shout when you walked out of the theater from this mid-movie. It’s a bloody, violent, killing-porn flick parading as a thriller. Little thrilling about it. Even the pretentious, brooding, dark scenes of fancy sports cars in chase scenes aren’t worth watching. But they are the high point in this movie that seems made to show people shot in the head, stabbed to death, or otherwise brutally murdered. It tries so hard to be campy. But replace the letters, “A and M” with “R-A-P” and that’s exactly what you get here.
The story (if you can call it that): Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson gets out of prison after serving time. He has photos of people in a muscle car kept in some lot near the prison for him. He starts tracking down the people in the photo and brutally murdering them. Soon, we learn that he’s a bank robber whose brother was murdered by a rival group of thugs. A metrosexual hitman in a Ferrari (or was it a Lamborghini?–I wasn’t paying attention ‘cuz I just didn’t care) is chasing Johnson, trying to kill him before he kills the others. Also on the case is a drug-addict police detective (Billy Bob Thornton, who must need the paycheck), who is ten days away from retirement.
It was disturbing, but nothing new to hear the audience with whom I saw this, clap and cheer at the last few killings. Yup, way to cheer on cold-blooded criminals killing other cold-blooded criminals. That’s America 2010. Frankly, if all of the characters (and actors) in this wannabe grindhouse crap killed each other on a desert island and never made a movie again, I’d say we were makin’ progress. Sadly, we aren’t. Make your own progress and save ten bucks and 1.5 hours of your life. Just ‘cuz it’s Thanksgiving, doesn’t mean you have to pay for and sit through this turkey.
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Love and Other Drugs“: Epic idiocy. I wish I’d been on drugs so I could forget this absolutely awful movie, which mixes semi-porn and gratuitous vulgarity with ObamaCare propaganda and attacks on the pharmaceutical industry. How sad for the late Jill Clayburgh that this was her last movie–quite a nadir. I couldn’t wait for this mindless waste of time to end, but it kept on going after like ten endings.
Jake Gyllenhaal (a TERRIBLE actor!) plays a Viagra pharmaceutical rep, who has graduated from Zoloft. When we begin the movie, he’s just a womanizing salesman at an appliance store, who loses that–his latest short-lived gig. Soon, he gets a job as a pharma rep, selling the new Zoloft, which he’s trying to get doctors to prescribe instead of Prozac. He succeeds by sleeping with doctors’ employees. One doctor allows him to impersonate a doctor, when he’s examining a topless patient, Anne Hathaway, who has early-onset Parkinson’s Disease.
Soon, the two are dating, and Gyllenhaal gives up his womanizing to be the savior of Hathaway . . . and also for the opportunity to compete with her in using the F-word and seeing her topless. I lost count at six scenes of Hathaways nipples. Enough already. It’s not a Got Milk commercial. Throughout the movie, we’re told how expensive medicine and prescriptions are and we see Hathaway taking busloads of seniors to Canada to get cheap meds. That’s juxtaposed with the wild spending, boozing, and sexing of pharmaceutical reps and the “sleazy” doctors (all doctors are sleazy in Hollywood’s view) whom they wine and dine. Did I mention this was an ObamaCare movie with t– shots?
Then, there’s the stupid constant scenes of Gyllenhaal’s fat multi-millionaire brother who sleeps on Gyllenhaal’s couch and masturbates to porn Gyllenhaal and Hathaway made. Thanks, Hollywood, for raising the bar on class and good taste.
Aside from the multi-nipple shots, F-word dialogue, dumb jokes about a fat masturbating brother, and overwrought melodrama to try to make this movie seem worthy (and I assure you it certainly was not), that’s all there is.
I would advise the Parkinson’s Disease victims throughout America to sue the people who made this movie for malpractice and defamation. Parkinson’s is a serious illness with no cure. Instead, it’s used as the cover for a disgusting, sleazy movie with no point . . . other than to transfer your time and money to Anne Hathaway’s latest Hollywood Hills mansion and Jake Gyllenhaal’s next Italian sports car purchase.
Skip at all cost. A total waste of time, and you need to take a shower after the “experience.” If I were Osama Bin Laden, I’d add this piece of garbage to my recruitment propaganda repertoire. On Thanksgiving, give thanks you have the freedom to avoid this movie.
FOUR MARXES PLUS AN OBAMA PLUS A BIN LADEN
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: animated film, animation, Anne Hathaway, Billy Bob Thornton, Burlesque, Cam Gigandet, Cher, Christina Aguilera, Disney, Duane Johnson, Dwayne Johnson, Eric Dane, fairy tale, fairy tales, Faster, Jake Gyllenhaal, Kristen Bell, Love & Other Drugs, Love and Other Drugs, Mandy Moore, movie, Movie Reviews, obamacare, Peter Gallagher, Rapunzel, review, reviews, Showgirls for gay men, Stanley Tucci, Tangled, The Rock, Viagra, Zachary Levi, Zoloft