October 19, 2007, - 3:56 pm
By Debbie Schlussel
**** UPDATE, 10/21/07: Upon seeing “The Ten Commandments” in its entirety when I was not harried, etc., I feel I did not do it justice. I think it’s a great movie, among the TEN BEST of the year. Definitely take yourself and (if you have one) your family to see it. Way better than “Shrek” et al. ****
Lotta new movies, this weekend–most of them disgusting, bloody, and/or crappy, with the animated “The Ten Commandments” being the only worthy one for you and your family (but it’s VERY worthy):
* “The Ten Commandments“: This animated film depicting the Biblical story of Moses and his leading the Jewish people in their exodus from Egypt is the only movie I recommend this weekend, but I recommend it highly. While the animation is about two years behind the best of animation technology, it is a fantastic movie that I can’t recommend enough. It is very true to the Biblical story. Entertaining, enjoyable, and something you can easily take your kids to see. Forget “Shrek.” This is G=d and Moses. And it does them right.
* “Rendition“: This is, as I like to say about these propaganda films, “high quality Bin Laden cinema,” but low quality to you. This film’s message is that America is the bad guy, torturing innocent, law-abiding, loving Muslims who just want to be Americans. Uh-huh. A blonde American chick misses her innocent Muslim husband, who is kidnapped by the CIA, transferred to a U.S.-allied Arabic country and tortured into confessing to be a terrorist, when he isn’t one. Meanwhile a CIA agent assigned to getting info out of him is disgusted by the torture, which he opposes. The end. Read my complete review.
* “Things We Lost in the Fire“: More like, “Two Hours We Lost in the Theater.” Thought this would be entertaining, but it wasn’t. This long, boring, pointless movie would not make the cut at the Lifetime Channel. Halle Berry plays the wife of a wealthy man in a loving marriage, but her husband (David Duchovny) is suddenly shot to death in a tragedy. She then invites her husband’s druggie best-friend (Benicio Del Toro) to live with her, but while a relationship and sexual tension are hinted at without any action or resolution, that’s it. The end. Like I said, pointless. Lots of crying, screaming, and Lifetimes Channel fare. And a waste of time. Melodrama and histrionics, without a climax and a resolution–no plot, basically. The only good thing about this movie are the two very cute United Colors of Benetton kids who play Berry’s and Duchovny’s kids, but that ain’t enough to suffer through this drivel. A complete waste of time and $10.
* “30 Days of Night“: So bad and pointlessly bloody and disgusting, that I walked out after an hour and forty minutes in. Boy, Josh Hartnett must’ve really needed a paycheck. He stars in this absolutely awful horror movie, which is more hilarious than anything, aside from the gratuitous blood, mutilation, and violence.
A group of vampires take over and murder almost an entire small Alaskan town during the start of 30 days with no sunlight. Hartnett plays a cop who is estranged from his wife, also a cop. Together, they and a few others fight off the vampires. The vampires’ stupid, silly sounding, fake language and howling is so ridiculous, it reminds me more of Ann Heche speaking in her weird alien language, when she did an interview with ABC’s Barbara Walters about how she communicated with extraterrestrial beings. This movie is absolutely disgusting in its bloodiness and gruesome dismemberment without a point. Not actually a horror movie. Just stupid. And sick. Skip it at all cost.
* “Gone Baby Gone“: This silly, messy “thriller” is being billed as something it’s not: exciting. Instead, it’s a Ben Affleck directed vehicle for–suprise!–his brother, Casey Affleck. It’s comical when people from Boston–the Afflecks–can’t even get a Boston accent right. The junior Affleck plays a young, inexperienced but cocky South Boston private eye who, with his girlfriend, investigates the disappearance of a 4-year-old from her druggie, drug-mule, loser mother. He works with a couple of Boston cops and a police chief (Morgan Freeman) to try to find her but has no luck. Or does he?
Besides being gratuitously violent, bloody, and disgusting for no reason, it’s just a joke of a thriller. In a good thriller, there is at least a shadow of a hint of “who done it.” In this one, the plot is so messy, so cockamamie, there are so many things and stories going on, that the “who done it” is absolutely absurd. You’d never have figured it out. Not that you’d want to. Instead, you’d rather leave the theater before it’s over.
Boring, long, depressing, and gives us zero reason to be interested in any of the characters or their pathetic lives. Like watching actors playing real-life people in a boring reality show. Blood, gore, decapitation, stabbing, etc. Why? Just to gross you out enougn to make you forget just how weak and awful this flick is. And it doesn’t succeed in making you forget that in the least.
Proof positive that Director Ben Affleck should stick to acting. Oh, wait–he can’t do that well either.
* “I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With“: Actor Jeff Garlin plays a less successful incarnation of himself in this movie about a fat, out-of-luck Chicago actor who is looking for someone to love and to love him back as he struggles to make it in showbiz. Among his love interests are the equally quirky Sarah Silverman (who is completely annoying in this movie and not in a funny way) and Bonnie Hunt. While this movie is mildly entertaining and has some good and funny lines, it is more pathetic and depressing more than anything, with zero payoff. Mostly, it’s just painful to watch. Sad. The kind of movie you’d see before you’re about to commit suicide and you want reinforcement for your decision.
Tags: 30 Days of Night, ABC, actor, America, animation, animation technology, Ann Heche, Barbara Walters, Ben Affleck, Benicio Del Toro, Bin Laden cinema, Bonnie Hunt, Boston, Casey Affleck, Central Intelligence Agency, Chicago, David Duchovny, Debbie Schlussel, director, Egypt, Gone Baby Gone, Halle Berry, I, I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With, Jeff Garlin, Josh Hartnett, Lifetime Channel, Lifetimes Channel, Morgan Freeman, police chief, Rendition, Sarah Silverman, Shrek, The Ten Commandments, Things We Lost in the Fire, USD