January 21, 2011, - 4:34 pm

Wknd Box Office: No Strings Attached, Client 9: Rise & Fall of Eliot Spitzer

By Debbie Schlussel

The movie Pet Sematary of January is almost over, with the key word being, “almost.”  Still nothing worth two hours and ten bucks apiece, yet.

*  “No Strings Attached“:  Um, who wants to see a movie where the chick is the guy in the relationship and the guy is not only the chick in the relationship, but he’s Bruce Willis’ son, Christopher Ashton Kutcher (thanks, Ricky Gervais)?  Yup, this is basically a dumb chick flick with even dumber role reversals. While this movie was mildly–veeeeery mildly–entertaining, it was mostly unfunny (supposed to be a rom-com, but there was very little rom and almost no com) and just, well . . . groanworthy.  And is it really necessary for a movie to be full of the c-word (the one that rhymes with “rock,” not the other one, but same diff) and other gratuitous graphic language, which you don’t need to be a prude to know had absolutely no purpose.  I felt like I was hearing the audio track to a bad porno flick.  And even though it’s rated “R,” you know it’s aimed at teens and most of America’s malpracticing “parents” a/k/a womb-/sperm-donors will let their kids go see it without a second thought.  Could’ve also done without two giant shots of Chris Kutcher’s naked butt in my face.

The “story” lasted about 20 minutes.  Then, the rest was stupid machinations, overwrought melo-drama, and sundry other stupidity.  The “plot”:  Kutcher and Natalie Portman have known each other since summer camp, and he’s always wanted to have sex with her.  Her, not so much.  Ultimately, they have sex, after he is hungover from a night of drunkenness upon learning that his aging TV actor father, a very old-looking Kevin Kline, is sleeping with his ex-girlfriend.  Soon, Kutcher and Portman are just sex-buddies because she doesn’t want to date him or be in a relationship.  Looong, slooow, booooring. It ended like five times, then sadly kept going. Yaaaawn.  Next.

Soooo predictable.  You know what’s gonna happen before the opening scene.  And soooo pointless. Remember, there’s a reason it’s being shown in January.  It’s a miss, not a hit.

TWO-AND-A HALF MARXES
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Watch the trailer .  .  .

*  “Client 9:  The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer“:  Sooo sick of this guy.  Even more tiresome, though, is liberals trying to tell us that this john is some sort of hero who was unfairly “targeted” because he was persecuting Wall Street and the banks.  In this “documentary” propaganda, they are the villains and he is the hero.  Riiiight.  The guy was a lout, is a lout, and will always be a lout.  A rich guy who keeps getting richer and attacks other people for getting rich will never be a hero.  There’s a different h-word for that:  hypocrite.

I learned that Ashley Dupre, Spitzer’s prostitute, only saw him once, and that the woman who was his regular, um, “receptacle” is now a day trader–information that really won’t make the slightest bit of difference in my life and wasn’t worth two hours of baloney.  What’s next–a “documentary” defending O.J. Simpson?

There’s a reason his CNN show is a ratings failure.  He’s liberal. . . a liberal hypocrite.  And he’s just not likable.

FOUR MARXES
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Watch the trailer . . .

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23 Responses

Well, Kathleen Parker probably isn’t helping the show either.

Little Al on January 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I can see the porno sequel now:
“The Rise…..and the Fall….of Client #9.”
LOL. This guy has NO shame…..btw- does anyone know what became of his wife Silda?

Not Ovenready on January 21, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Yup… and the fact he’s a Jew makes him am embarrassment to the Jewish people. This guy is the exact opposite of a mensch. What makes qualified to be a talk show host? Client 9 should just go away instead of inflicting him on the rest of us. He’s no role model for any one!

NormanF on January 21, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Someone please tell me why Ashton Kutcher is famous. I must be sooooooooo out of touch…and I’m not sorry, either.

And, what’s with the Natalie Portman fascination?

Who watches these movies? When I see these types of movies, Oprah, The View, Ellen DeGenerate, etc., I think the average maturity level of this country is 12 years old.

Jeff W. on January 21, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Spitz Park is about the worst show on television. Astute columnist John LeBoutillier predicts the show will be gone by springtime. Two losers team up for a losing show. I thought Spitz kept on his knee length black socks all the time, according to reports of his encounters with the ladies of the evening. The actor in the picture appeared sockless.

MM from Georgia on January 21, 2011 at 6:42 pm

LOL Jeff. I agree with you regarding Chris Kutcher. I have no interest in he and his old-hag wife.

Oh and Portman has FIVE movies coming out this year so be ready to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Skunky on January 21, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Wow-only ten bones for a movie?

T. Y. on January 21, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Who funds this crap?

pitandpen on January 21, 2011 at 10:00 pm

I don’t think I could have any less respect for Natalie Portman at this point.

Adam S. on January 21, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Just saw “No Strings Attached.” Boring, tastelessly lewd, unfunny just as you pointed out, Debbie. It’s definitely directed towards liberals and kids (teens). Lots of casually smoked dope, lots of hopping in and out of bed, lots of narcissism. The role reversal you pointed out was, to me, grating. I’m not sure how old Kutcher is, but he’s definitely too old to be playing a cute little cuddly female teddy bear trapped in a man’s body.

On the brighter side, I got to see Peter Weir’s new movie “The Way Back.” That was tremendous, with an uncommonly clear conservative message. Epic!

Burke on January 21, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    Burke, it’s go to know Peter Weir has a new film. Thanks for the heads up.

    Skunky on January 22, 2011 at 10:36 am

Wow. The crap you go through for the sake of your movie reviews. Really surprised No Strings Attached survived with only two and a half Marxes… To me the commercials made that one look like crap even by the low standards of crappy sex comedies of the sort that I have always despised.

Also never could stand Natalie Portman. So I’ll admit I’m a little biased there.

Brian R. on January 21, 2011 at 11:39 pm

I used to like Natalie Portman; then she began to talk and show how lost she is. She actually said she was attracted to the project because she wanted to show that women like casual sex as much as men. This is a myth and a lie. I don’t want to watch the continued chickification of men. No real woman does. Knew I didn’t want to watch this. Sorry you had too.

Daphne Y. on January 22, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Your sacrifices do not go unnoticed Debby. Just wish that occasionally, you’d get good/better movies.

P. Aaron on January 22, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Debbie
You are very wrong about what you wrote about Spitzer. He did “target” Wall Street and the banks, he was right to do that and did what very few people ever did. The Wall Street bankers, and analysts constantly lied to the public to enrich themselves, to please their clients, pump up the price of the stocks and earn huge investment banking fees.

Remember one of the top “analysts” Henry Blogett who is described in an article-

“Blodget and his colleagues at Merrill Lynch publicly touted pets.com,
infospace, etoys, mypoints.com, goto.com, and many other technology
companies, urging investors to buy these supposedly wonderful stocks. At
the same time, Blodget and his peers were privately describing the stocks as
“dogs,” “powder keg[s],” and “piece[s] of junk.”5
http://www.law.ua.edu/lawreview/articles/Volume%2058/Issue%205/FischUpdated.pdf

There were many others that did the same. The investing public lost billions taking the advice of these lying analysts, Spitzer was one of the only people that went after them and you ridicule him?

Spitzer did a great job going after the Wall Street firms and ever got Merrill Lynch to pay a $100ml fine (a small percentage of what they illegally took from the public.

“…After an investigation by New York’s Attorney General,
Eliot Spitzer, Merrill Lynch entered into a $100 million settlement
in May of 2002 that restricted interactions between its research
analysts and bankers…”
http://www.law.unc.edu/documents/journals/articles/275.pdf

Debbie don’t delete this post.

bill on January 22, 2011 at 6:56 pm

No Strings Attached looks so stupid.
I watched the trailer and got bored.
If Portman’s character just wants a big O, she should just do it by herself, she has two good hands plus there are lots battery powered little helpers on the market.
But if you want sex with the warmth a another human being you have to deal with that person as a human being.
The entire premise is just sooo stupid.
Another movie trying to glorify women sluts.
Oh course she’s a doctor. If she was a cashier at a gas station doing the same thing everybody would scream “slut”.
But since she’s a doctor that’s makes people think it’s okay.

Steve on January 23, 2011 at 10:39 am

Debbie “Red” was pretty good. Did you see it?

A1 on January 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm

I’ll never forget the first time I saw Spitzer. It was on 60 Minutes. I never saw someone so giddy to be on TV. Right off I knew there was something that wasn’t right about this guy. When you look back at the arrogance of this guy, it seems pretty obvious that he was a train-wreck just waiting to happen.

Daniel Middleman on January 23, 2011 at 6:28 pm

A1, I recall La Deb did see “RED” and loved it. Her review should be on here in the archives.

I didn’t love it, but I liked it a lot. Mary Louise Parker and Vavoooooooooooooooooom Helen Mirren were really hot…yes, 70 something Helen Mirren.

Jeff_W on January 25, 2011 at 9:04 am

Ms. Portman was great in “The Professional,” which flew, if you will, on Jean Reno and Gary Oldman’s performances, but since then (she was about 13 or 14 then), she’s been pathetic as an actress. Agree with you, Debbie, what the hell is the “big deal” with Natalie Portman? Internecine Hollyweird . . .

jc15 on January 26, 2011 at 9:51 pm

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