December 12, 2007, - 11:44 am
By Debbie Schlussel
When I was in college, David Letterman was still on after “The Tonight Show.” And he was still funny. Both of those things are no longer in play. And I liked watching his show, a third thing no longer in play.
My dad bought me two books of David Letterman Top Ten Lists. In thumbing through them, I was amazed at what was allowed on TV before 9/11, which would never–nevuh evuh–make it on the air today in the days of CAIR/MPAC/ADC/ISNA/MSA/MAS and the pandering media who whitewash Islam. That we would never hear these today is a sign of how pan-Islamist PC we’ve gotten.
David Letterman would never utter these today. And if he did, lots of firings would happen. There would be plenty of those “Behead Those Who Insult Islam” riots in the streets. And Letterman would be issuing an apology and hosting a funny Muslim comedians week (meaning the show would be off the air for a week).
The books are “The Late Night With David Letterman Book of Top Ten Lists,” published in 1990, and “Roman Numeral Two: An Altogether New Book of Top Ten Lists,” published in 1991. I’ve posted the funnier ones and those that are the most un-PC (many of those are not funny). Most stand the test of time, some don’t. Although they are mostly about Iraq and Saddam, they really apply to Greater Islamia:
TOP TEN IRAQI BUMPER STICKERS
10. Don’t tailgate: Car bomb on board
9. Have you hugged your hostage today?
7. If chemical weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have chemical weapons
6. I got my camel dunked at Raging Rapids Water Park
4. Gay and Proud of it [DS: Yes, you still can’t have that one in ANY Islamic country]
2. Don’t like my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-PORK
1. Honk if you still have hands
TOP TEN CATEGORIES ON IRAQI “JEOPARDY!”
10. Things that won’t set off airport security alarms
9. Nicknames for sand
8. Famous Mohammeds
7. At home with Hitler
6. Games played with a human head
5. Ways to lose a hand
4. Twenty-three-letter words
3. Ayatollahs who have fallen out of their coffins
2. Sounds like “Shi’ite”
TOP TEN FAST-FOOD FRANCHISES IN IRAQ
10. Kentucky Gassed Chicken
7. Goat ‘n’ Stuff
6. Veil-less Babes Donut Shop
5. Donkey Hut
4. Glorious Martyred Chicken Parts
3. Falafel Hell [DS: It said “Bell,” I felt “Hell” was more apropriate.]
2. Taco Tent
1. Stuff Your Hump
TOP TEN TIPS FOR KEEPING YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY (FROM THE WIVES OF MIDDLE EAST TERRORISTS)
10. Assure him he’s just as maniacal as the day you first met.
8. Don’t put out for hostages
7. Tell him you look like Michelle Pfeiffer. Never take your veil off.
6. Double-date with the Qaddafis [DS: Actually, I’m not sure what you’d call “double” dating with a man and his four or more wives]
5. Second honeymoon in Beirut
4. Always offer to go first through the minefield.
3. When bowling, keep telling him, “Boy those pins really fly when you hit them.”
2. Lull in your love life? Blow up a car.
1. Goat casserole–and plenty of it.
TOP TEN TALENTS OF THE CONTESTANTS OF THE CONTESTANTS IN THE MISS IRAQ PAGEANT
10. High-pitched shrieking
9. Getting plastic explosives through airport security
8. Withstanding the kick of a donkey
7. Making poison gas out of common household cleansers
6. Pointing to Mecca after being blindfolded
5. Describing what they would look like in a swimsuit if they were permitted to wear one.
4. Denouncing pork
3. Blowing self up in car parking lot
TOP TEN IRANIAN T-SHIRT SLOGANS
9. Surf Straits of Hormuz
8. Mom and Dad Blew Up a Busload of Tourists, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt.
7. Death to All Americans–Except Motley Crue [DS: Actually, the counterculture youth in Iran do go for heavy metal, like Motley Crue, and it is outlawed for that reason–it’s considered revolutionary.]
6. Official Veil Inspector
5. Kiss Me, I’m a Walking Time Bomb
4. I’ve Been Tested for Sand Chiggers
2. If You Don’t Ride a Camel, You Ain’t Shi’ite
TOP TEN IRAQI THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS
9. Turkey carved by oldest family member who still has hands
7. Stuffing the turkey–with plastic explosives
6. Go to Adrian’s mom’s house and hang out (I’m sorry. That’s a Rocky Thanksgiving tradition.)
5. Eat huge pile of sand; doze off in front of TV
4. Watch Macy’s parade via satellite; renew vow to kill Willard Scott
3. Slow-cook turkey with poison gas
YASIR ARAFAT’S TOP TEN WAYS TO IMPROVE THE PLO’S IMAGE
10. Award frequent flyer mileage during hijackings
9. Pass out marshmallows at firebombings.
5. Promise that for every eairport bombing, we’ll donate 50 cents to the Sierra Club.
4. Kidnap Geraldo. Keep him.
2. Lots of Binaca.
Tags: 1-800-EAT-PORK, ADC, Beirut, car parking lot, cent, chemical weapons, David Letterman, Debbie Schlussel, family member, heavy metal, Hitler, Iraq, Islamic Republic of Iran, Kentucky, Mecca, Michelle Pfeiffer, Official Veil Inspector, Palestine Liberation Organization, Pointing, poison gas, Raging Rapids Water Park, Sierra Club, Straits of Hormuz, Thanksgiving, The Tonight Show, Turkey, Willard Scott