December 27, 2007, - 1:36 pm
By Debbie Schlussel
It’s almost 2008, and people are buying calendars for the new year. Guess what the 2nd best-selling humor calendar in the nation is? It’s the “Bush Out of Office Countdown 2008″ desk calendar. Yes, it goes through the “bitter end,” January 20, 2009. And America is going Nook-Yuh-Ler for it. (#1 is The Far Side Scared Silly 2008 Wall Calendar.)
Although it’s very popular among left-wingers, believe me when I say, I am counting down the days with you, my lefty counterparts. What with Bush’s absurd Julie Myers appointments, pushes for illegal alien amnesty, forcing Israel self-amputate its country into oblivion and practice anti-Jew housing apartheid in Jerusalem to satisfy the appetites of Islamic terrorists, playing footsie with Iran while it gets nukes, continued pandering to the most extremist of Muslims both inside and outside the U.S., continued support for Title IX zero tolerance, bloated farm and education bills and porcine spending, I cannot wait until “W” goes back to the ranch in Texas for good. I want a conservative with sticktuitiveness to principles, not a doofus who wants a legacy and has Condi Clueless as his partner in this fallacious enterprise.
Sadly, after that, I’ll have to get a Hillary Rodham Cankles Out of Office Scared Silly Countdown Calendar for at least four years, likely eight.
And then there are the other calendars available. Please, to all the senior citizens of the world, this plea goes out to you. Please, no more naked old people calendars for charity. Please, I beg of you. It’s not sexy. It’s not cute. It’s just weird. No-one wants to see you hiding your saggy private parts behind a newspaper or your fifth cat. Again, not sexy. Not hot. Not interesting. Not appropriate for a calendar girl. Or guy. Especially not appropriate when you’re 70.
Please, for the good of America, stop making these. It wasn’t cute the first time some town in England full of pale, doddering English women with bad skin and a diet of bangers and mash did it. It isn’t cute when the umpteenth towns in Vermont and Virginia make one of these calendars and get to tell the human interest reporter on “The Today Show” or E.D. Hill on FOX News (yes, she recently did one of these stories) how sexy and womanly they feel. TMI. Keep it–and your naked bod–to yourself and your bathtub.
Then, there are is the other kind of weird calendars. Sadly, those are back. For example–and I doubt this was a Mitt Romney campaign move–there is the “Men on a Mission” calendar, billed as:
the first-ever Mormon beefcake calendar, featuring steamy shots of 12 bare-chested men who have served as Mormon missionaries. It’s a tongue-in-cheek celebration of missionary selflessness, says Chad Hardy, founder of Mormons Exposed, a Las Vegas-based group trying to overturn those buttoned-up stereotypes about Mormons.
Hokay. Something tells me this isn’t exactly an official product of the Latter Day Saints church. Kinda reminds me of how disgusted I felt when I watched Jane Fonda/Lindsay Lohan’s “seduce a Mormon missionary and take his virginity” child molestation flick, “Georgia Rules.”
So, now, here’s my recommendation: Whatever happened to a regular, plain calendar? You know the kind–days of the week, dates, months, in neat squares, no frills.
Time to get away from these bizarre calendars, where you’re constantly asking yourself, “But what’s the date, today?”
Tags: 2008 Wall, America, Bush, Chad Hardy, Debbie Schlussel It, founder, Georgia Rules, human interest reporter, Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel, Jane Fonda, Jerusalem, Julie Myers, Las Vegas, Lindsay Lohan, Mormons Exposed, New Year's Day, official product, Texas, The Today Show, United Kingdom, United States, Vermont, Virginia