February 24, 2008, - 8:43 pm
The Oscars: The Stinking Stench Continues; Anti-Islam Animated Film Gets Shafted, Hypocritical Use of American Soldiers; Anti-War Fake-umentary Wins
By Debbie Schlussel
8:43–Jon Stewart’s monologue is so unfunny, it was hard to keep track of my groans. A stupid joke about how we can’t let the audience win, relating to Iraq. Haha, funny. Where’s Joe Pesce when I need him? Yup, it was hard to keep track, but I think I laughed exactly zero times. Even most of the laughter from the audience seemed forced.
8:57–Earlier today, I said that the only Oscar nomination with which I agreed was Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Best Supporting Actor bid. But I was wrong. I also loved the animated film “Persepolis,” nominated for Best Animated Film. It tells the story–through the eyes of a young girl–of what happened to Iran when Islamists took over and how everyone’s life was ruined. Figures that it didn’t win. Damn. Instead, “Ratatouille” won. Also a great animated film (among my year’s best for 2007), but not half as good as “Persepolis.” But Hollywood can’t give an award to a film like that. Too un-PC.
9:11: More groanworthy Jon Stewart utterances about Cate Blanchett playing a cow’s butt. Yet more evidence that Stewart ain’t funny or even witty. He’s only good at being sarcastic and making fun of people in canned news stories he’s thought about all day. That does not a comedian make. Sorry, folks. He’s just a cue card reader. That’s it.
9:18: Figures that the vastly over-rated Javier Bardem wins the Best Supporting Actor Oscar. Feh. He played a cold-blooded serial killer with no redeeming purpose, just like the movie he was in, “No Country for Old Men.” Figures that the far more talented and funny Philip Seymour Hoffman didn’t win. I told you the Oscars stank and only liked the dark and macabre.
9:34: Is there some reason why we must sit through so many flashbacks from Oscars past? Isn’t that reserved for awards shows during a writer’s strike? Did someone not get the memo that it’s over? Also, is there really any resemblance of today’s macabre, dark, left-wing Oscars with those of the fifties and sixtes? I’m confused.
9:38: OMG, did Annie Lennox from “The Eurythmics” just win an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress? It was the dreadful Tilda Swinton of the dreadful “Michael Clayton” wearing an equally dreadful black satin pillowcase. Give her an Oscar for most creative use of a White Elephant sale item as a pseudo-evening gown. Yet another androgynous “woman” wins an Oscar for a female role. Which brings me to my evergreen Oscar question: Since women–especially in Hollywood–are all about equality, why do they need to divide the awards by sex/gender? Why can’t they just give one Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor statue each and pit all candidates of both genders against each other for the award? Is there something like in the WNBA that makes women less able actors and therefore requiring a special “league”?
9:50: Ugggghhh! In showing how they tally the Oscars, we’re shown self-hating Jew Ari Sandel, who is, sadly, now a “Member of the Academy.” Nauseating. That explains why these crapola “films” get nominated and win awards. Sandel, who won an Oscar, last year, for the moral equivalency short movie, “West Bank Story,” a stupid rip-off of “West Side Story.” The spoiled son of an Israeli, Sandel told me in an interview that he thinks they should have made a film about the moral equivalency of Jewish Holocaust victims and Nazis.
So this guy is a voting member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, but they still won’t let Rob Schneider in. HUH?
10:10: So an annoying, but pretty French chick wins the Best Actress Oscar. Still less annoying than Canadian Ellen Page, the star of the completely annoying, smart-alecky “Juno” winning it. She thought she had it sewn up, with all the undeserved gushing and hype over this movie in which pre-marital sex is seen as no big whoop and the baby is neatly adopted by a pretty, wealthy, middle class woman. Oh, and the adults are all stupid, unlike the smart alecky pregnant teen. Sorry, you lost, chickie.
10:18: Jon Stewart playing Wii tennis on stage is supposed to be funny? Funny how? Like I said, where’s Joe Pesce? He’s needed.
10:31: Um, Nicole Kidman, my neighbor called, and he wants the Christmas lights he wrapped around his roof back. No, what wraps around a roof doesn’t really work as a necklace.
10:35: Highlight of the night–seeing a 98-year-old guy, Robert Boyle, who worked with the great Alfred Hitchcock on art design, get the honorary Oscar. He’s old enough to remember when Hollywood was pro-America instead of pro-Bin Laden.
10:42: Penelope Cruz is talking. Someone please get me an interpreter. Listening to this woman is probably more annoying than listening to Hillary Rodham Cankles. Oy. Make it stop.
10:45: While I loved the movie, “Enchanted,” it’s more than a little annoying that at least three of its songs are being re-enacted, since they’re Oscar nominees. Yup, the rest of the movies were so dark, they nominated everything from this one. Sad. Also sad that this charming movie wasn’t “good enough” for the Academy to nominate for any of the meaningful Oscars, but yet, its cheesy, awful songs are somehow meritorious. And no, no-one cares who won in this stupid category.
10:52: Jon Stewart, go away. And take the bloated Vinnie Barbarino with you, please.
10:53: If I see that new age Dianne Von Furstenberg American Express ad one more time, I think I’ll kill myself. What is it with the women with thick, annoying foreign accents, tonight? These are the ads of the “Superbowl for Women”? Pretty shabby.
10:57: Wow, you do, indeed, get a do-over for your Oscar thank you. The women who co-wrote the “Best Song” winner got to come back out and give the thank you speech she forgot. Um, on second thought, please no more do-overs.
10:58: Cameron Diaz . . . Official Spokesmodel for Hollywood liberal airheads (and smoked too much pot before the ceremony).
11:01: Hillary Swank. This man is wearing a beautiful dress.
11:05: Interesting but not surprising that in the litany of Hollywood stars and behind-the-scenes people who died over the last year, the one they saved for last and for which they clapped the loudest was the least accomplished and most trendy, the over-rated Heath Ledger. His death is more sad than, say, that of the great Suzanne Pleshette? Puh-leeze. Brokeback Derangement Syndrome.
11:10: More of the Hollywood emphasis on the macabre and depressing–the composer for the dreadful “Atonement” wins the Oscar for Best Original Score. But the score of this movie was painful and excruciating (including an extremely loud typewriter keystroke minuet). It was so loud, obtrusive, and obnoxious, it gave me a headache. And who the heck could pay attention to the movie, which it vastly overpowered? Not that we wanted to.
11:12: Hmmm . . . Hollywood is finally showing some appreciation for the troops, using soldiers in Iraq to introduce nominees for Best Short Documentary Film. After the way Hollywood trashed our soldiers all year long in movies like “Redacted,” it’s just a tad hypocritical. Just a tad. Get a clue, Hollywood. Show your appreciation for our soldiers by portraying them positively on the silver screen, NOT just a silly, self-important awards show.
11:14: Figures that the Best Short DocuFakery winner is about promoting lesbians adopting kids and came with a political, sob story “thank you” speech about how bad lesbians have it. Blah, blah, blah. Spare us. They have the WNBA, don’t they?
11:17: “Taxi to the Dark Side,” which is blatant, lying propaganda wins best “Documentary.” Sickening. This Fake-umentary is exactly the way Bin Laden would make it. Michael Moore must be extremely proud, even though this one wasn’t his. I screened it last week (my review will be posted on Friday). The movie is positively horrid and a pack of lies whining about Bagram, Abu Ghraib, and Gitmo prisons. You’ve heard it all before. We really don’t need to hear it again. That this got an Oscar is no surprise. But it shows, yet again, the hypocrisy of the Oscars using soldiers to introduce their movies, when they just hate American soldiers.
11:25: Damn. Annoying, liberal “Juno” won the Best Screenplay Oscar (see above for why I hate it). And former stripper Diablo Cody, the woman who wrote it, looks real damned classy with her goth hairdo and multiple tattoos, including a giant, badge of skank on her right arm featuring a readhead in a bikini. Equally as skanky, her tattoo high above her fat thights, very visible in her very-high-slitted leopard-skin “gown” that looks like she bought it off the rack at Frederick’s of Chubby Chaserland.
11:35: Figures #54,463. Self-hating, pro-Palestinian Jew Daniel Day-Lewis who stars in the very depressing, awful anti-Christian, anti-business, “There Will Be Blood,” wins Best Actor. Predictable.
Overall, veeeery boring show, this year. Snoozer.
11:47: The Oscars are, thankfully, over. And the bizarre, violent, weirdly-ending “No Country for Old Men” won Best Director and Best Picture. Yup, more Hollywood rewarding movies glorifying killing for no reason. Blood and the macabre, just like I said earlier today. No shocker there (though of the bloody, violent movies on the Oscar list, this one is, by far, the most tolerable).
Tags: Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, actor, actress, Alfred Hitchcock, America, Annie Lennox, Ari Sandel, Atonement, Best Supporting Actor statue, bin Laden, Cameron Diaz, Cate Blanchett, Christmas, comedian, composer, Daniel Day-Lewis, Debbie Schlussel, Derangement Syndrome, Dianne Von Furstenberg, director, Enchanted, Haha, Heath Ledger, Hillary Rodham Cankles, Hillary Swank, Interpreter, Iraq, Islamic Republic of Iran, Javier Bardem, Joe Pesce, Jon Stewart, Juno, Member of the Academy, Michael Clayton, Michael Moore, Nicole Kidman, No Country for Old Men, official, Oscar, Oscars, Penelope Cruz, Persepolis, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Redacted, Rob Schneider, Robert Boyle, Spokesmodel, Supporting Actor, Suzanne Pleshette, Taxi to the Dark Side, The Eurythmics, the Oscar, the Oscars, There Will Be Blood, Tilda Swinton, West Bank Story, West Side Story, writer