May 30, 2008, - 4:34 pm

Weekend Box Office: Nothing Worth Seeing – Horrid “Sex,” Torture Porn “Strangers,” Anti-Western “Rains”

By Debbie Schlussel
I’m introducing a new ratings system, invented by Mike Church for my movie reviews on his Sirius Patriot Channel 144 show (every Friday Morning between 10:30 and 11:30 a.m.). I will be using Reagans and Marxes. Four Reagans means it’s great. Four Marxes, it stinks to high heaven (or low Communist hell, actually).
All three new releases, this week, are terrible and earn four Marxes apiece.

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* “Sex And The City“: Read my complete review. Four slutty, middle-aged hags turn their annoying, anti-male HBO show into a movie. It’s even worse than the show. Completely disgusting, vile, and juvenile. Again, read my complete review.
FOUR MARXES
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* “The Strangers“: This movie was 1.5 hours of torture porn–a violent, disgusting snuff film that has no purpose. It’s not interesting, not scary, just stupid. No point to it, other than to further define deviancy down in America and contribute to the gratuitous violence and desensitizing that is all too common.
Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman star as boyfriend and girlfriend who are vacationing at his father’s house in the country. They’ve just returned to the house, after she rejected his marriage proposal, and they’re not exactly happy. Suddenly, they are terrorized by three people with masks who torture and try to kill them. Horrid and a waste of time.
FOUR MARXES
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* “Before the Rains“: The evil, capitalist Western White man destroys the dark man native’s life and all that is around him, causing death, destruction, and pain.
That’s the message of this movie that takes place in the 1930s in India, under British rule. While some Indians are protesting the English and trying to drive them out through strikes and road blockages, the main character here is still in the throes of his evil, capitalist fantasy of building roads on which to better transport the spices he sells.
A married man, he’s having an affair with his married Indian servant. Her husband finds out, she kills herself, and death and destruction ensues for the local Indian villagers, including his other Indian servant. But he–the Englishman–gets away with murder. The end.
FOUR MARXES
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15 Responses

Cute and funny. ;-) Hollywood should really make eve of summer movies people want to watch. I guess its either a slow weekend or they ran out of scripts!

NormanF on May 30, 2008 at 5:24 pm

Awesome. Your “reviews” should get even more entertaining now that you’ve dropped the pretense that they have anything to do with film making.

stormhit on May 30, 2008 at 5:46 pm

We seem to be coming in for more snuff pictures, since “The Strangers” is the second one to come out in the last few months. When there is no talent or imagination left, you get this sort of thing.

Worry01 on May 31, 2008 at 3:26 am

Hang on a sec. In snuff movies people are actually murdered in front of the camera. And aren’t they an urban myth. Has anyone ever seen a snuff movie? Having said that,the only real snuff movies that we can all see are the Islamofascist executions and beheadings on the net.

johndoe on May 31, 2008 at 7:34 am

And I’ve just fantasised a juicy sequel to SITC….all four of them are snuffed by a real man who demands more respect from women. In fact he kidnaps and imprisons them…Austrian style….tortures them just for the crack and the ratings, and then puts each one to death unforgivingly after lengthy and interesting discussion about how they sinned against the world, their fellow women and sensitive men. He gets away with it…and don’t we all love serial killers that fool the law….and then he starts a bombing and terror campaign against the Hollywood studios but that’s part 3 and another genre. All that righteous justice would be very satisfying and cathartic after all the dross being inflicted on us.

johndoe on May 31, 2008 at 7:41 am

Thanks for doing these reviews, Deb. They are very useful. Guess crap films are all we’re getting from now on.
Here’s an idea: re-release the older John Wayne, Greta Garbo, Lucille Ball, Marlon Brando, etc. films to IMAX theatres. I’d pay $5.50 for a chance to see Hell’s Angels or True Grit on the big screen!
OOOH! To see Midway on IMAX! Or see Heston in The Ten Commandments on that massive screen!
(((drool)))
No touch ups or redo’s like what Star Wars ended up as. Just digitize and release – it’s easy to do.

bhparkman on May 31, 2008 at 1:59 pm

THIS NEW rating system is great! I’ve got one friend that is going to love this, even more that me!!!

The Canadien on May 31, 2008 at 6:10 pm

Don’t liberals know about guns? When people show up on your property wearing those masks, you can shoot them with a gun, it knocks them down. I wouldn’t sit around being terrified of some stupid people wearing a mask.

John Harper on June 1, 2008 at 12:04 am

All I can say is my mother along with my sister used to watch sex and the city together and they are part of an Orthodox congregation. (Of couse when I was unemployed my parents wanted to call me MENTALLY ILL.) Of course they are suppose to be Orthodox as was my Rabbi Rabbi MOses Tendler but apparently when it comes to feminism Orthodox Judaism supports feminism and anything goes. While muslims have their problems they likely think Judaism is a female dominated religon with henpecked men. Anyone from the outside would think that way. Both Frumster and Saw You At Sinai two obsevant Jewish dating sites were panalists at an event about 2 years ago on a day when there were other events yet they chose to go this one. The event was called Sex and the City How to have it all. With Dr. Ruth Weslinger the twice divorced woman. THe newspaper the so called Orthodox Jewish Press which openly supports raising Jewish children without fathers of course refused to bring up this issue of turning so called Orthodox Jewish women into selfish jerks. Other places also refused to mention this in the so called Orthodox world and told me so. On a small Jewish Orthodox single board it did get posted and not one Jewish women was outraged at making women into selfish sluts basically.
I still can’t figure out how ORthodox Judaism allows Jewish women to marry nonjewish men without any consequences. These Rabbi’s are just womanizer and elitists. Jewish women take advandage of this and have no consequences for spitting on Jewish men and I myself see how openly some JEwish women are very abusive Jewish men in the workplace and yet go around using Jewish phrases and thinking they represent Judaism which sadly they do. The Rabbi’s once outlawed men marrying nonjews. If they had any balls they would do the same for women. Orthodox Judaism is basically mostly a feminist cult run by elitist so called Orthodox Rabbi’s at this time.
I don’t know if Christianity is much better as I have heard 61% of those who attend church (this includes the south as well) are female even though 51% of the population is female. Unlike Debbie I actually think Islam is growing out of the religious problems that Judaism and Christianity face as G-d abhors a vacum and Islam is growing because of the emasculation that has gone on in both Judaism and Christianity but sadly this is the only way to keep some balance. If Judaisma and Christianity didn’t have this man hatred and abuse towards men and fathers G-d wouldn’t need to make Islam a threat to other nations. Debbie should be just as angry in the immorality of divorce in both Chistian and Jewish countries as she is what goes in Islamic countries. I think our culture may hate men more then Islamic culture hates women although I don’t know but women do live longer in counties like Saudi Arabi and Jordon by more then 4 years so I think there are many abuses to men as well. Some happy medium would be nice.

adam6275 on June 1, 2008 at 12:53 am

Debbie, I just got back from seeing SATC, and it wasn’t bad. I think sometimes you see things thru an overly political prism. In particular the men don’t seem any worse as human beings than the women. SJP’s face was a mess, but in the longer camera views she was tolerable. What bothered me more was i saw a couple I knew and they had put their two small kids in the theater baby sitting service. Abandoning your kids in a theater kiddy drop is inappropriate, especially at night. They looked like the cats sitting around in cages at Petco.

Anonymous1 on June 1, 2008 at 1:06 am

Ugh! Not a good weekend. I watched one video with the sole purpose of learning why there are online petitions, asking that the director cease making awful movies. It is a piece of insipid wannabe satire, called “Postal” by a German no talent, Uwe Boll. It begins with the 9-11 terrorists flying into the WTC and ends with bin Laden dancing hand in hand with President Bush, as nukes strike American soil. In the interim, there are some lame low budget sequences, which involve the same characters murdering each other several times, amid stupid dialogue. In the Director’s commentary version, he attacks his own investors as, “Nazi money.” And says he doesn’t care if his films fail. He claims “Postal” will be a major classic, in “50 years.” Doubt that. Where do I sign that petition?

supercargo on June 1, 2008 at 7:04 am

I like the new rating system!

CornCoLeo on June 1, 2008 at 9:47 am

@johnharper ..the people who owned the house did have a gun..

lolwut on June 2, 2008 at 1:03 am

in the strangers that is..

lolwut on June 2, 2008 at 1:03 am

Pretty much what I expected, a huge opening weekend. I predict a huge dropoff next weekend.
It barely beat a mediocre Indiana Jones film.
It’s a clever marketing campaign, but in the end I don’t think mainstream America really cares for this garbage.
“Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian” is still showing, so it’s not all bad out there. As much as the gay friendly media tries to hype trash like SATC, movies that are family friendly generally outperform trash like SATC by far.

Jeff_W on June 2, 2008 at 8:30 am

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