June 10, 2011, - 1:57 pm
I’ve written many times before about my anger at people who go to the movies to talk on their cell phones, give endless John-Madden-style play-by-play-color-commentary-of-the-obvious what is on the screen, or text throughout the movie. If you do this, you’re rude and should be permanently affixed with a tattoo on your forehead forever banning you from theaters and stealing someone else’s ten bucks and two hours they paid to enjoy the movie, NOT your behavior. I’ve posted my rules for movie theater behavior, before (click on the above link or scroll down). Bottom Line: If you cannot shut up, don’t go to the frickin’ movie. Sadly, our nation has turned into a bunch of rude morons who think it’s their living room. I do not apologize for being a “movie nazi” and demanding silence and darkness. It’s called a theater, not “loud dumbass bitches’ house of skank.” That’s why I just LOOOOOVE this ad from Austin, Texas’ Alamo Drafthouse movie theater, featuring the angry voice-mail message from a real-life moron-ette who was kicked out of the theater for texting. It’s Not Safe For Work (four-letter words), but simply hilarious. Perhaps the Drafthouse shouldn’t serve beer before movies, as that probably contributes. But I wish every movie theater did this . . . and published names and phone numbers. Remember the Alamo AND Don’t Mess with Texas. . .
Since it’s only gotten worse in the four years since I posted my DebbieSchlussel.com Movie Dos and Don’ts, I need to post them again:
* If you can’t find a baby sitter for your infant or other-aged, noisemaking toddler, stay home.
* Don’t bring your 8-year-old daughter to see “300” (read my review). “Daddy, why did that man’s head come off his neck?” “What’s a concubine?” “Mommy, what are those two people doing in the bed?” I don’t need to hear you explain Persian beheadings and “the birds and the bees” to your way-too-young kid. That uncomfortable experience is not to be shared with 400 total strangers focused on a screen. There’s a reason it’s rated “R,” which does not stand for Really Irresponsible. Bringing your kid to movies like this constitutes child abuse, and you’re a moron. [Related: The End of Parenting: The Complete Morons Who Take Their Kids to “Friday the 13th”]
* If you need to answer your cellphone, stay home (unless you are a medical doctor, in which case, put it on vibrate and answer it OUTSIDE the theater).
* If you need to have a constantly-flashing Bluetooth on your ear, stay home. The light distracts theater goers.
* If you need to incessantly check your Blackberry, stay at Starbucks . . . and away from the theater.
* If you need to constantly give your friend/significant other/ companion the play-by-play, audition for ESPN or Monday Night Football. We can see the screen. We hear the on-screen dialogue as well as you do. We know what’s going on. And so does your escort. Dennis Miller got fired from “Monday Night Football” for a reason. His dumb commentary–-when what we saw on the screen was more than enough––was beyond annoying. And so is your commentary.
* If you need to make out, get a room. The only physical display of affection we need see is on the big screen.
* Above all, SHUT THE F— UP! (If you must make a brief comment, whisper!)
* If you didn’t do it before cell phones and Blackberries existed, and it isn’t an emergency, don’t do it now.
Really, I’m not a movie prude. I just want to watch my movie in peace, darkness, and–other than what’s going on on-screen and through the theater sound system–-quiet. The Alamo Drafthouse has the right idea.
Tags: Alamo, Alamo Drafthouse, Alamo Drafthouse Movie Theater, Austin, Debbie's Movie Dos and Don'ts, Drafthouse, Drafthouse Movie Theater, Magnited States of America, movie nazi, Movie Reviews, movie theater, movie theaters, rude, Texas, texter, texting, video