July 25, 2008, - 3:13 pm

Weekend Box Office: Funny But Vile “Step Bros”, Gayest Anti-Christian Movie Ever-”Brideshead”; UPDATED: Horrid/Morbid “X-Files” Review

By Debbie Schlussel
Not much of a great selection at the box office, this weekend.
* “The X-Files: I Want to Believe“: I want to believe I didn’t just waste two hours at this horrid piece of doggie dung. Because the studio did not offer a full critic advanced screening, that was a sure sign it was crap. And it was. Plus, they made both stars available for even the tiniest radio stations’ interviews–again, not a good sign. It’s been six years since the TV show of the same name went off the air, and let’s hope it’s far more than six before they ever make another flick based on the show. This is simply awful.

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Not sure how this bloody, morbid movie, featuring severed heads and limbs managed to pull a PG-13 rating, but DO NOT take your kids to see this long boring movie in which the psychic who leads former FBI agents Mulder and Scully to the murderer, is a child molesting Catholic priest who raped 30-odd alter boys. He’s played by Billy Connolly–that annoying Scottish “comedian” who’s never funny. And there’s enough screaming, whining, and bitching by the aging Gillian Anderson (as Scully) to last five decades of soap operas. The overwrought melodramatics–please, make it stop. But even with all that, I fell asleep–it was that slow, boring, and terrible–and didn’t miss much.
Agents Mulder and Scully, as we know, are the FBI agents who investigate the paranormal. The movie starts with them gone for years from the agency. Mulder is a hermit whose career has been ruined and discredited by the agency, which has brought him up on charges. Mulder is a practicing medical doctor, trying to save her patients, one of whom is dying of a rare brain disease. She’s looking into DNA experiments. Meanwhile, the FBI has an agent missing, and they come to Mulder and Scully for help. All is forgiven, if he’ll only return, which he does. Looking for the agent takes him–via the priest molester psychic–to a farm where they experiment on dogs and humans with DNA.
A lot of severed heads–including one that’s still alive–and body parts in this long, boring, preposterous plot. This movie is a mess, filled with complicated, non-sensical stories about a missing FBI agent and doctors who work with DNA to sever heads and give them new bodies they sew on so they can live. Yes, I just spoiled it, but who cares. It sucks.
Yes, some TV shows need to end when the ratings go down, and never come back. The world will be better off if Scully and Mulder stay retired and paranormal forces have their way. That–and most other things–are better than sitting through this painful movie.
Mucho skipworthy.
THREE MARXES
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* “Step Brothers“: I’m embarrassed to say that I laughed (a lot) at this disgusting, vile, lewd, and vulgar–but very funny–movie. The language and images were just non-stop filthy and Guh-Ross.
Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly play 39- and 40-year-old immature moocher losers, each of whom still lives with his single parent. When the parents get married, they move into the same room. Initially, they hate each other, then they ally against the successful, annoying older brother of Ferrell’s character and plot to stay in the house their parents want to sell.
There’s a lot of ad-libbing and each gag goes on too long, like a bad SNL skit made viler. Just, ahem, a “taste” of the disgusting stuff in this flick: Will Ferrell’s character licks dog-poop, and there’s a close-up–extreme close-up–of it. YUCK! Also, Will Ferrell puts his testicles (it’s a prosthetic, but still, eeuuww!) all over a drum set. And, as I recall, there are quite a few naked men’s butts. Blecccch. NOT FOR KIDS. Oy.
ONE MARX (DISGUSTING AND VILE, Though Funny)
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* “Brideshead Revisited“: You already know you’ll hate this movie when you note that it has the same name as and is based on the same story as a BBC/PBS TV series of the same name. Not only did I not want to “Revisit,” I didn’t want to “visit” in the first place.
This horrid, depressing, boring, slow movie is about a middle class, atheist Oxford student during pre-WWII. He meets a flamboyantly gay student from an extremely wealthy English family of nobility. The gay falls in love with him, and they kiss. Gay Mardi Gras in Italy ensues. And then he falls for the gay guy’s sister, and they kiss (and sleep together). But the mother keeps them apart and marries her off to someone else because she won’t allow her daughter to marry a non-believer and non-Catholic. The gay guy becomes an alcoholic and dies young of some sort of illness in Africa. The sister leaves him. Their controlling, religious Christian mother dies. And then WWII starts. The end.
Religious people in this movie are evil, cold, and extremely mean. The movie is a complete attack on religion and G-d with no basis. Extremely anti-Christian.
Just awful. Pointless. And skipworthy.
FOUR MARXES
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7 Responses

If I remember correctly, Brideshead is anti-Catholic. Two thumbs up for any movie that bashes Catholicism.
[LAMIAU: YES, IT IS VERY ANTI-CATHOLIC AND ANTI-RELIGION. TWO THUMBS DOWN ON BOTH COUNTS. DS]

LoveAManInAUniform on July 25, 2008 at 3:49 pm

The original X-Files was a dark if funny sci-fi show. They made one movie and I don’t really see the point in a sequel. The best shows don’t take themselves too seriously.

NormanF on July 25, 2008 at 4:53 pm

Brideshead Revisited was written by Waugh, a convert to Catholicism. To make a movie from his material that is stripped of and oblivious to the Christian redemptive message ranks with mutilating Waugh’s corpse. I am Jewish by the way.
Interesting the liberties the fashionable left takes with writers. Samuel Beckett absolutely and categorically refused a Dutch production of Godot with women playing the parts. He said NO. He said ‘Women don’t have a prostrate’. (Vladimir, the main character must urinate frequently in the play because he has an enlarged prostrate). They asked and he said NO and they DID IT ANYWAY. To hell with the person who wrote it. A Dutch court ruled against Beckett (?!). Then Beckett refused for ANY of his plays to be produced in the Netherlands. Another Dutch judge ruled against him.
These radical feminists ‘actresses’ caused extensive aggravation and upset in the working life of a major major playwright – the kind of infuriating torment over an extended period that will not let a creative person work.

poetcomic1 on July 25, 2008 at 5:20 pm

September might be better. According to studio press releases, on Sept. 19, a film (“Taken”) opens in which Albanians and Arabs are the bad guys. Liam Neeson stars as a retired CIA agent whose daughter is kidnapped by Albanian mobsters in France, for sale to wealthy Arabs. I have never seen Neeson in an action movie, but presumedly he uses his spy training against the Euro-menace. Could work if the PC is taken out of the film.
In reality, wealthy Turks and Emirate Arabs are buying impoverished East Europeans, after enticing them to take jobs as nannies. Muslim governments do nothing to stop this flesh trade.

supercargo on July 25, 2008 at 8:42 pm

OT, but important: NYT magazine has an article this weekend on the financing of Taliban operations in Afghanistan, with Heroin money. (Note: there were ZERO Heroin factories in that country before Karzai took over) When the Taliban ruled, they took a 15% cut of the Opium trade; they earned an estimated $200,000,000 in this years season alone. They are able to pay unemployed harvesters $300 per month to murder Americans. They can afford the best RPGs, explosives and sniper rifles on the market.
If McCain doesn’t attack Bush for his
indulgence of subsidized murder of Americans, then he can kiss his presidency hopes goodbye.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/27/magazine/27AFGHAN-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1
In 1938, with the Gestapo in the process of setting up an intelligence base in NYC, the FBI employed 2 counter espionage agents in that city. Why? Elites deferred judgment to media elites who refused to publicize the message of Hitler’s Mein Kampff. Even JFK championed Italian Fascism at the time. Why isn’t the Bush indulgence of Central Asia’s Heroin industry, receiving publicity? Media elites defer to the Saudi slave in the White House.

supercargo on July 26, 2008 at 4:01 am

“House Of Cards” is very good, a British 4-part series. But do NOT buy the two sequels, “To Play The King” and “Final Cut”, they will actually detract from the first series.

John Harper on July 27, 2008 at 1:57 pm

I have been a huge X-Files fan since the beginning of the show and I own all the DVD mythos box sets and the first X-Files movie was really good and had an excellent plot. I was going to go see this but, now that you have finally explained the plot (I never found a website that explained the synopsis) I think that I’ll skip this and wait for the DVD to rent. It really saddens me when someone takes an excellent movie or tv series and turns it to shit (i.e. Alien and Aliens…Alien3 and the other one were horrid). It’s like putting ketchup on a filet mignon…just ruins the taste and makes all frevious films and series nil in my book.

RadicalRightWinger on July 28, 2008 at 10:21 am

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