July 25, 2008, - 3:13 pm
Weekend Box Office: Funny But Vile “Step Bros”, Gayest Anti-Christian Movie Ever-“Brideshead”; UPDATED: Horrid/Morbid “X-Files” Review
By Debbie Schlussel
Not much of a great selection at the box office, this weekend.
* “The X-Files: I Want to Believe“: I want to believe I didn’t just waste two hours at this horrid piece of doggie dung. Because the studio did not offer a full critic advanced screening, that was a sure sign it was crap. And it was. Plus, they made both stars available for even the tiniest radio stations’ interviews–again, not a good sign. It’s been six years since the TV show of the same name went off the air, and let’s hope it’s far more than six before they ever make another flick based on the show. This is simply awful.
Not sure how this bloody, morbid movie, featuring severed heads and limbs managed to pull a PG-13 rating, but DO NOT take your kids to see this long boring movie in which the psychic who leads former FBI agents Mulder and Scully to the murderer, is a child molesting Catholic priest who raped 30-odd alter boys. He’s played by Billy Connolly–that annoying Scottish “comedian” who’s never funny. And there’s enough screaming, whining, and bitching by the aging Gillian Anderson (as Scully) to last five decades of soap operas. The overwrought melodramatics–please, make it stop. But even with all that, I fell asleep–it was that slow, boring, and terrible–and didn’t miss much.
Agents Mulder and Scully, as we know, are the FBI agents who investigate the paranormal. The movie starts with them gone for years from the agency. Mulder is a hermit whose career has been ruined and discredited by the agency, which has brought him up on charges. Mulder is a practicing medical doctor, trying to save her patients, one of whom is dying of a rare brain disease. She’s looking into DNA experiments. Meanwhile, the FBI has an agent missing, and they come to Mulder and Scully for help. All is forgiven, if he’ll only return, which he does. Looking for the agent takes him–via the priest molester psychic–to a farm where they experiment on dogs and humans with DNA.
A lot of severed heads–including one that’s still alive–and body parts in this long, boring, preposterous plot. This movie is a mess, filled with complicated, non-sensical stories about a missing FBI agent and doctors who work with DNA to sever heads and give them new bodies they sew on so they can live. Yes, I just spoiled it, but who cares. It sucks.
Yes, some TV shows need to end when the ratings go down, and never come back. The world will be better off if Scully and Mulder stay retired and paranormal forces have their way. That–and most other things–are better than sitting through this painful movie.
* “Step Brothers“: I’m embarrassed to say that I laughed (a lot) at this disgusting, vile, lewd, and vulgar–but very funny–movie. The language and images were just non-stop filthy and Guh-Ross.
Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly play 39- and 40-year-old immature moocher losers, each of whom still lives with his single parent. When the parents get married, they move into the same room. Initially, they hate each other, then they ally against the successful, annoying older brother of Ferrell’s character and plot to stay in the house their parents want to sell.
There’s a lot of ad-libbing and each gag goes on too long, like a bad SNL skit made viler. Just, ahem, a “taste” of the disgusting stuff in this flick: Will Ferrell’s character licks dog-poop, and there’s a close-up–extreme close-up–of it. YUCK! Also, Will Ferrell puts his testicles (it’s a prosthetic, but still, eeuuww!) all over a drum set. And, as I recall, there are quite a few naked men’s butts. Blecccch. NOT FOR KIDS. Oy.
ONE MARX (DISGUSTING AND VILE, Though Funny)
* “Brideshead Revisited“: You already know you’ll hate this movie when you note that it has the same name as and is based on the same story as a BBC/PBS TV series of the same name. Not only did I not want to “Revisit,” I didn’t want to “visit” in the first place.
This horrid, depressing, boring, slow movie is about a middle class, atheist Oxford student during pre-WWII. He meets a flamboyantly gay student from an extremely wealthy English family of nobility. The gay falls in love with him, and they kiss. Gay Mardi Gras in Italy ensues. And then he falls for the gay guy’s sister, and they kiss (and sleep together). But the mother keeps them apart and marries her off to someone else because she won’t allow her daughter to marry a non-believer and non-Catholic. The gay guy becomes an alcoholic and dies young of some sort of illness in Africa. The sister leaves him. Their controlling, religious Christian mother dies. And then WWII starts. The end.
Religious people in this movie are evil, cold, and extremely mean. The movie is a complete attack on religion and G-d with no basis. Extremely anti-Christian.
Just awful. Pointless. And skipworthy.