March 5, 2009, - 12:23 pm
“Watchmen” Fanatic Derangement Syndrome: Disease of the Pretentious Slacker Ignorami; “Watchmen” Was Anti-Reagan Rant; “Not Marketed to Kids” on “American Idol”
By Debbie Schlussel
I guess I shouldn’t be amazed at the number of slacker ignoramuses who are up in arms about my frank review cutting down the absolute crap they worship a/k/a “Watchmen“, coming out in theaters late tonight. The e-mails they send me and the comments they make about how “deep,” “edgy” and “profound” this vile piece of trash (which is none of these) is, reminds me of the blind statements of followers of Jim Jones. And we all know what happened after they drank he purple Kool-Aid. If only this movie could achieve that result, it would be the most fantastic exercise in natural selection ever conducted in America.
But sadly, there is no instant cure or sudden death for “Watchmen” Fanatic Derangement Syndrome. You can read some of the so infected and diseased in the comments section of my review. But I’ve received a ton of vile, obscene, and just plain stupid and obnoxious e-mails because I dared call this trash wrapped in the guise of a high brow graphic novel what it is: pure garbage.
Oh, and by the way, to all of you slacker Watchmen defenders and fanatics–who resemble the many respondents on “Jay Walking,” yet are suddenly the self-appointed intellectual lights of our world–grisly is grisly, and gratuitous, graphic violence serves no positive or useful purpose in our society, even if you read it first in a comic book. You’re a bunch of dummies with no moral compass, but liking this stupid comic book which pretends violence and the depraved is “edgy” or “sophisticated,” makes you feel smart. When you’re actually quite stupid. But now, with this movie, you’ve got pretentious stupidity. You don’t realize you’re still just as dumb, your IQ just as low and probably lower.
And, yes, you future citizens of “Idiocracy,” it’s a comic book. Quit your pretentious drivel about this being important because it’s a “graphic novel.” Memo to the creators of Richie Rich and Archie: You missed your calling. If only you’d called your product a “graphic novel” and added scenes of Archie raping Betty and Veronica and Jughead sawing off Reggie’s Arms, you’d be in businesss. Dummies.
It’s frankly hilarious to read the arrogance of the ignorami, telling me I don’t have “cultural literacy” because I don’t like a movie based on a comic book promoting rape, torture, and brutal killing. Here’s a tip to you clueless wonders: You can’t have culture literacy when there ain’t culture. Just like I’d be wrong to call this a clash of civilizations, because then we would be wrongly assuming that there is civilization on your end.
While most of the e-mails are vile and stupid–and simultaneously so pretentious and self-important–it’s obvious they’d be best saved for open poetry reading night at the local college coffeehouse. That’s the only place where your fertilizer has willing consumers (and at at the box office on Friday, where I’m sure this crap will be a huge hit for you pretentious geeky slacker losers with no life and absolutely no sense of decency or class).
You keep writing me these deranged e-mails, which include statements about how I “don’t understand the background” and that it was exactly the same in “the graphic novel.” Get a clue: That I didn’t first look at a comic book picture of a rape scene before seeing the same in a movie is a distinction without a difference. That you did, is a distinction with merit, i.e., that you’re an idiot who spends valuable time and money on idiocy and depravity. You are what you eat.
And you are no better than the lumpenproletariat lowlifes at the Coliseum who orgasmically watched and cheered when Christians were forced to fight animals. You are no different, and you are essentially chomping at the bit to go see the modern-day version, tonight. With people like you populating America and dominating pop culture offerings, I have no doubt that soon enough we will return to the days of the barbaric live human versus beast shows. You salivate at the chance to watch barbarism tonight. That’s who you are.
Why not just watch “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”? At least that was honest about what it is and didn’t march under this ridiculous banner of being highbrow when it’s really just crap.
Poor Hitler. If only he’d made Mein Kampf into a comic book instead of an actual written screed. Then, the ovens of Auschwitz and the human lampshades would be all the rage and cool of kitsch. Silly me, for not understanding that close-ups of sawing off someone’s arms and dogs chowing down on a six-year-old girl are so much high culture because they were in a comic book first. Idiocy. And, oh, it’s a disgusting comic book that TIME Magazine liked. Therefore, it must be the end all, be all. Tell it to Ariel Sharon, who knew something about the “truth” and “accuracy” of TIME. Oh, wait, I’m assuming something really big here: that you “Watchmen” ignoramuses actually know who Ariel Sharon is or what his deal was with TIME. And that would be truly clueless.
And to those imbeciles who claim–blindly–that this outrageous movie is not marketed to kids, pray tell who is the target audience of “American Idol” on which several trailers ran this week. Yup, “American Idol”–no way that’s a kids show or that kids who see it won’t want to go see this horrible movie. Only if they market it on Sesame Street are they marketing it to kids, right?
Not that if it weren’t marketed to kids, that would make this crap smell any better.
Still, I’ve gotten many e-mails like these from parents, who attest that they thought this was a superhero movie and that their kids have been bombarded with the marketing for this grotesque movie:
I cannot recall how I got pointed to your review of Watchmen, but thank you for your review! Ever since the trailers came out my son, 15 1/2 wanted to see the movie. No he has not read the novel or comics, but something about this movie made me research it more. Let’s just say I had a bad feeling. I greatly appreciate your detailed review of this movie. We are not going to see this movie and it became a great teaching point.
Uh-huh, not marketed to kids, right? His son just found out about the movie and wants to go see it . . . by accident?
While I’m not surprised to find out that many of those who’ve written their deranged, undue outrage that I deigned to tell the truth about this trash and insult their low-class cultural sensibilities (or rather non-sensibilities), voted for Barack Obama and are liberals, I am surprised that anyone would claim this is a conservative movie.
It was originally written–per the author’s own declaration–as an attack on Ronald Reagan. Reader Christopher summarizes it in this letter:
First THANK YOU for the article on Watchmen.
I wanted to add that you are dead right on the slant of this movie. The writer’s original intention as declared by him in a 1987 interview in The Comics Journal was for this have an anti-Reaganism theme. He feared directly attacking President Reagan because he figured it would make people not want to read.
I think this is absolutely a golden opportunity to hammer home the point that mass media influences matter. People are actively ignoring even the stated goal of the author himself for the sake of “a good time’… This is how we get the fouled up pop culture.
You have a better opportunity than I to present this side of the story to people so please consider looking into what I said here and decide if you think it’s worth while to write more about.
Again thank you,
Bottom line: If you’re a “Watchmen” fan, there’s something sick about you. You’re sick if you enjoy watching wanton rape, torture, and murder, no matter what the background for it is. I don’t care if it first appeared in a warped comic book paraded with a high-brow euphemism for comic book.
I don’t give a crap if it’s meant to show that “the world is dark” and that “superheroes have problems and are everyday people, too,” which have been among the insipid, vapid excuses I’ve received from empty-headed Watchmen fanatic who mindlessly repeat the phony talking points that make them feel smart.
Guess what? We know there are bad people and that people are everyday people with problems. If you don’t know that, and you think a movie like this is necessary to make the point, you’re even more warped and stupid than I originally diagnosed.
And maybe your sister should be fed to dogs and your mother raped and your brother should have his arms sawed off (as they do in this snuff/torture-porn movie). You know, just to make the point.
But we’ll be sure to depict it in a comic book first, just to make it “high-brow.” And get the money of the mindless “Watchmen” fandom sheeple.