April 29, 2009, - 1:05 pm
By Debbie Schlussel
Just got back from a super secret movie screening, so secret that I am forbidden to even name the movie on this site until Friday (watch for my reviews at Midnight, just after Thursday ends, and stay tuned for my reviews on Friday Morning on the Sirius Patriot Channel’s Mike Church Show).
In the meantime, they’re getting ready to make a new Captain America movie, “The First Avenger: Captain America,” and here are the actors being talked up for the role:
* Matthew McConaughey–Too goofy and unheroic. Captain America ain’t no slacker, and he doesn’t run around naked beating tribal drums either;
* Jon Hamm–This is my personal choice–suave, debonaire, confident, has that polished superhero look and a snarky sense of humor. This “Mad Man” could definitely be Captain America. Captain America is very muscular, so he might have to bulk up a bit or fake it under a muscle suit.
Yes, sadly, this handsome Midwesterner is a lib (partied with the green global warming crowd at a Natural Resources Defense Council fundraiser), and since the crowd writing Captain America has gone lib, too, this is appropriate. You’ll recall that Captain America–part of the ACLU of superheroes–was assassinated in the steps of a courthouse in an argument over the Superhero Registration Act, which was essentially the comic book version of the Patriot Act (hmmm . . . when was anyone ever assassinated over the Patriot Act? );
* Channing Tatum–Too hip-hoppish and ghetto (Am I still allowed to say that? After all, we Jews were stuck in plenty o’ ghettos) and too young and wet behind the ears;
* Jon Cena–Too wrestler-ish and not polished. Lacks the suavity;
* Matt Damon–She’s too effeminate and miniature; Captain America isn’t a girlie-man or a part of an Arrogant Affleck sandwich. Stick with the Jason Bourne stuff;
* Brad Pitt–Too pretty-boyish and eccentric, too left, too conceited, too sensitive, too whipped. Captain America is not a Mr. Angelina Jolie, er . . . Angie Voight;
* Jerry O’Connell–Um, do I need to comment on this? “The Apartment,” anyone? ‘Nuff said. Plus, Captain America is not a brother of “The Bachelor” or Mr. Rebecca Romijn, either. He’s not a starter, he’s scout team or Arena Football;
* Paul Walker–Hot, but sounds like he’s full of rocks when he talks. Too surfer-boyish and brainless to play a hero;
* Justin Timberlake–Captain America doesn’t have a brillo pad for hair or do videos about his penis in a box. You stay classy, Justin. And he didn’t “date” (euphemism) backwoods nutjob Britney Spears. No thanks;
* Scott Speedman–Who? Felicity’s ex-boyfriend? Too blond-ish (yes, I know Captain America’s alter ego is blond, but I like my superheroes with dark hair).
Like I said, the Hamm is kosher for this part in my book. Whom would you pick–on this list or someone else?