April 29, 2009, - 1:05 pm

Who Should Play Captain America?: Hamm is Kosher in This Case

By Debbie Schlussel
Just got back from a super secret movie screening, so secret that I am forbidden to even name the movie on this site until Friday (watch for my reviews at Midnight, just after Thursday ends, and stay tuned for my reviews on Friday Morning on the Sirius Patriot Channel’s Mike Church Show).
In the meantime, they’re getting ready to make a new Captain America movie, “The First Avenger: Captain America,” and here are the actors being talked up for the role:
* Matthew McConaughey–Too goofy and unheroic. Captain America ain’t no slacker, and he doesn’t run around naked beating tribal drums either;
* Jon Hamm–This is my personal choice–suave, debonaire, confident, has that polished superhero look and a snarky sense of humor. This “Mad Man” could definitely be Captain America. Captain America is very muscular, so he might have to bulk up a bit or fake it under a muscle suit.

captamerica.jpgjonhamm.jpg

Jon Hamm: The Schlussel Choice to Play Capt. America

Yes, sadly, this handsome Midwesterner is a lib (partied with the green global warming crowd at a Natural Resources Defense Council fundraiser), and since the crowd writing Captain America has gone lib, too, this is appropriate. You’ll recall that Captain America–part of the ACLU of superheroes–was assassinated in the steps of a courthouse in an argument over the Superhero Registration Act, which was essentially the comic book version of the Patriot Act (hmmm . . . when was anyone ever assassinated over the Patriot Act? );
* Channing Tatum–Too hip-hoppish and ghetto (Am I still allowed to say that? After all, we Jews were stuck in plenty o’ ghettos) and too young and wet behind the ears;
* Jon Cena–Too wrestler-ish and not polished. Lacks the suavity;
* Matt Damon–She’s too effeminate and miniature; Captain America isn’t a girlie-man or a part of an Arrogant Affleck sandwich. Stick with the Jason Bourne stuff;
* Brad Pitt–Too pretty-boyish and eccentric, too left, too conceited, too sensitive, too whipped. Captain America is not a Mr. Angelina Jolie, er . . . Angie Voight;
* Jerry O’Connell–Um, do I need to comment on this? “The Apartment,” anyone? ‘Nuff said. Plus, Captain America is not a brother of “The Bachelor” or Mr. Rebecca Romijn, either. He’s not a starter, he’s scout team or Arena Football;
* Paul Walker–Hot, but sounds like he’s full of rocks when he talks. Too surfer-boyish and brainless to play a hero;
* Justin Timberlake–Captain America doesn’t have a brillo pad for hair or do videos about his penis in a box. You stay classy, Justin. And he didn’t “date” (euphemism) backwoods nutjob Britney Spears. No thanks;
* Scott Speedman–Who? Felicity’s ex-boyfriend? Too blond-ish (yes, I know Captain America’s alter ego is blond, but I like my superheroes with dark hair).
Like I said, the Hamm is kosher for this part in my book. Whom would you pick–on this list or someone else?

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18 Responses

It’ll probably be Nicholas Cage.

Blayne on April 29, 2009 at 1:50 pm

Does it matter. It will be Captain anti-America. Mark Ruffalo is an Amy Goodman-style leftist, so he could play the part. BTW, Ruffalo is Italian, but his father is Baha’i. Too bad he didn’t tell junior about how the Baha’i are treated in Iran.

sonomaca on April 29, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Debbie- Given the current synergy between Hollywood and the White House, I expect the role will go to either Sean Penn, Ellen Degeneres, or O. J. Simpson…..

Nick Fury on April 29, 2009 at 2:41 pm

I was talking to some friends earlier this year, speculating when there would a film version of Captain America. I hope the producers stay true to his persona: loyal American who fights totalitarians. If he is not fighting jihadis in this film, then he had better be combating Marxists or Nazis.
[DI!: AMEN, BUT SINCE THE ONLY SUPERHERO MOVIE TO DO THIS IS "IRON MAN," AND THAT WAS KINDA HALF-ASSED, I'M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH. WE'LL SEE. DS]

Defeat_Islam! on April 29, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Hamm is hot, hot, hot!!
I didn’t know Ruffalo was such a lefty. Didn’t his brother just get killed in some drug-related something or other?

lexi on April 29, 2009 at 4:04 pm

David Boreanaz
http://www.nndb.com/people/510/000108186/
David Boreanaz
AKA David Patrick Boreanaz
Born: 16-May-1969
Birthplace: Buffalo, NY
Gender: Male
Race or Ethnicity: White
Sexual orientation: Straight
Occupation: Actor
Nationality: United States
Executive summary: Angel
Father: David Thomas Boreanaz (local TV personality)
Wife: Ingrid Quinn (m. 1997, div. 1999)
Wife: Jaime Bergman (Playboy Playmate/actress, m. 24-Nov-2001, one son)
Son: Jaden Rayne (b. 1-May-2002)
High School: Malvern Preparatory School for Boys, Malvern, PA
University: BA Communications, Ithaca College (1991)
TELEVISION
Buffy the Vampire Slayer Angel (1997-99)
Angel Angel (1999-2004)
Bones Special Agent Seeley Booth
FILMOGRAPHY AS ACTOR
Mr. Fix It (26-Dec-2006)
These Girls (10-Sep-2005)
The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer (13-May-2005)
The Hard Easy (2005)
I’m with Lucy (30-Aug-2002)
Valentine (1-Feb-2001)

Kim on April 29, 2009 at 4:16 pm

Marcus Luttrell the Navy Seal that wrote Lone Survivor. He might have to cut out the donuts but hey. The original Captain America was an Army combat vet from WWI.
Cena could pull it off. Since when does a tough guy HAVE to be suave? Suave is over rated. Roger Moore was my LEAST favorite 007 and all he did was pull in the babes. Daniel Craig seems too busy busting up bad guys to get “digits”.

samurai on April 29, 2009 at 5:27 pm

They don’t make actors these days to fit a role of that nature. Yet, Mark Wahlberg is one of the more attractive young actors working right now, I don’t know his politics and that’s probably good. He is a very buff individual, however. Robert Sean Leonard, Dr. Wilson on House, has a compelling yet upstanding look about him as does Thomas Gibson of current Criminal Minds fame. That show also has Shemar Moore, a fine-looking individual indeed. I’m sure the politics of any of these people would be off-putting but they look good and get their lines out in a convincing way.

iowavette on April 29, 2009 at 5:44 pm

I think David Boreanaz is a great choice too. But I think maybe Morgan Freeman is a better way to go. (yeah, I’m kidding)
Captain America is a symbol of patriotism and nationalism. His origins are similar to that of all the major super heroes–written and drawn by Jewish immigrants…Fighting WWII the only way they could.
If you have any interest in the subject, I highly recommend The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay. Its a wonderful book that tells the story of just such an immigrant escaping fascism and starting a new life in America with the help of his “very New York” cousin. Together they create a superhero called The Escapist. The book won the Pulitzer and is really a fun read.

Alex Reager on April 29, 2009 at 5:46 pm

I heard that Lone Survivor based on Luttrels book is coming out soon-anyway to verify this

mindy1 on April 29, 2009 at 8:37 pm

Well the wrestling fan in me says “John Cena”. While another side says…let a military person who is wanting to be a star one day play the role!!
I’m afraid the dead moon circus (aka hollywood) will hack up the meaning of this superhero.

Squirrel3D on April 29, 2009 at 9:24 pm

Debbie–i’m a huge fan, and glad to know you follow comic books too! Cap’s death was pretty atrocious, but based on mysterious advertisements they might be bringing him back this summer (Batman was also recently burnt to a crisp but will be returning.)
I think Jon Hamm is a great choice, though I don’t see him as a blond and we all know Steve Rogers was a golden-haired manGod. Maybe if Aaron Eckhart wasn’t such a smarmy douche he could pull it off.
Anyway, wanted to let you know about the latest political story in the X-Men comics. It’s called Proposition X. The bigoted violent racist humans (read Republicans) are not content with the genocides that have been perpetrated against the mutants, and are passing legislation to prohibit ‘mutant breeding.’ Funnily enough, the X-Men have relocated to California, San Fran more specifically where they are enjoying the utopian tolerance, the massive crime waves (good for superheros), and the skyrocketing HIV rate.
Now they have to contend with the evil Mormon churches coming to steal and kill their babies. You’d thing with such a massive and open metaphor for alienation and oppression as the X-Men, they could think up something other than the same old lies and victimhood mentality.
It’s embarrassing really. Comics are my escape from the Obama-pocalypse, but the tentacles of his regime have even reached the benign world of capes and tights.
PS ‘Civil War’, aimed at bashing Bush and Patriot Act, now illustrates the danger and destruction inherent in government trying to control daily life. I think it’s pretty funny how their deceitful messages ultimately turn on them.

kirithkirin on April 30, 2009 at 7:29 am

I’m with SqirrelD John Cena with acting lessons

KDXman on April 30, 2009 at 7:49 am

Maybe a time to “splurge” on a nobody.
Cast an actual Vet.
I suspect agents have lists of hopefuls who are not signed because they couldn’t get jobs for not being anti-America enough.

Jhn'1 on April 30, 2009 at 11:59 am

Thomas Jane from the 2004 Punisher could do it as well.

samurai on April 30, 2009 at 12:30 pm

If he was not too old (he’s in his early 40s), Mark Valley would have been perfect as Captain America. Another rumored choice is Patrick Wilson (the Nite Owl actor in “Watchmen”). I’m not down with John Cena as Captain America (Cap is 6’2″ tall, John is 5’7″).

Bobby's Brain on May 1, 2009 at 12:23 pm

I just thought of a serious addition to the list:
Ben Browder.

Nick Fury on May 1, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Steve Rogers is not a ladies man. He’s a man’s man….a soldier…honest..brave..and blonde…etc. Hamm doesn’t fit that description at all.

todd on January 8, 2010 at 6:43 pm

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