June 24, 2009, - 9:50 am

Transformers 2: Very Dumb, ‘Nother Opportunity 2 Transform Your Kids Into Foul-Mouthed Morons (Plus Israel Off the Map)

By Debbie Schlussel
As longtime readers know, my biggest problem with the movies that Hollywood puts out is not that they’re mostly utter garbage (which they are). It’s that studios pour gazillions into marketing crass, crude, sex-laden, F- and S-bomb encrusted movies to young kids.
That’s yet again the case with “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” a/k/a Transformers 2–a long, boring, stupid movie marketed heavily to children. I mean, after all, it’s Transformers–a set of mechanical toys from the ’80s–upon which the movie is based. And M&M/Mars and Target are doing joint promotions to kids with gross-tasting peanut-butter and strawberry M&Ms (I tried ‘em–yuck!) and chances to obtain cute M&M gumball machines.
But Hollywood execs don’t care that too many Americans let them raise their kids. They don’t take the responsibility seriously. They only take their bank accounts seriously. And that’s why we have crap like “Transformers 2.”

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Yes, the movie is filled with cars/transformers and cool special effects . . . so many effects that my mind was numbed beyond the numbing of almost two-and-a-half hours of stupid on the big screen. And that’s why, even though it stinks, this movie will make tons of money and top the box office.
And yes, it’s filled with hot women, like Megan Fox, and an ivy league seductress who is actually a decepticon. But is that really for seven year olds? Want your kid staring at butt shots of a 20-something vixen leaning over a motorcycle in barely there jean shorts? Fine for older teens and 20-somethings, but your young kid? Do you want your eight year old son oogling at a sexy, scantilly clad decepticon trying to have sex with the movie’s dull hero (Shia Lebeouf) and then having dangerous metal tentacles coming out of her rear end and sex organs? How ’bout the various scenes of dogs having sex or rubbing up against Megan Fox’s leg?
Want your kids repeating crude jokes about “sucking sacs” and other references to oral sex? Repeating f-, s-, and a-hole words, which make up a good deal of the movie dialogue? How ’bout the p-word? That’s in there, too. Thanks, M&M/Mars, you really know how to market to kids by promoting “Transformers 2″ to them.
Then, there’s the “story”/plot. It’s hard to tell that there’s actually one in this movie. And that’s fine. We know people don’t go to “Transformer” movies for the storyline. But, remember, I liked the first “Transformers” movie (read my review), though that also had a lot of four-letter words and crude references to masturbation, etc.–not suitable for kids. The first movie did have a story–a cute one and a great good-triumphs-over-evil message. In this one, well, not so much. It’s more like: awkward teen goes to Ivy League School, while Decepticons fight good transformers, two hot chicks fight over teen, he has dopey Hispanic roommate/internet guru, and they all end up in Egypt and Jordan (which strangely are right next to each other–yup, even Hollywood has wiped Israel off the map). Ruins of the ancient city of Petra (now in Jordan) are shown to be just yards from the Egyptian Pyramids. Yup, this movie won’t teach your kid geography either . . . but it’ll teach ‘em most of George Carlin’s seven words. Terrific.
The movie is so stupid, it’s like a three-year-old wrote it. I know I’ve said the same about “Land of the Lost” (read my review) and “Year One” (read my review). And this movie is in tight contention with those two to be the summer’s dumbest, worst flick.
I know I’ve lectured you before about the morons who call themselves “parents” who take their kids to movies like “Friday the 13th” and “The Watchmen” (read my review). But this movie isn’t much of an improvement. Yes, it doesn’t have the “R” rating and isn’t graphically violent and full of blood and wanton killing like those. But that doesn’t mean it’s good for your kids’ minds.
Or your own.
Simply a waste of time, ten bucks, and 2.5 hours of life you can’t reclaim after the fact.
Skip it.
ONE MARX
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8 Responses

Whoa… what happened to all the classy comments that were here earlier?!?
[DM: WHAT COMMENTS? I DIDN'T DELETE ANYTHING FROM THIS POST'S COMMENT SECTION. DS]

Doda McCheesle on June 24, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Its a reminder that a lot of summer movies are just the ones the studios use as throw away filler when every one’s off on vacation. They’ll be holding back the best til after Labor Day.

NormanF on June 24, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Funny, I noticed Israel missing too. That pissed me off. I guess they need to market the movie to muslims too, in particular Iranians who don’t want Israel to exist.
On top of that, we got a President OBAMA mention by name. How often does that happen in any movie? Usually we just get a generic President mention.
The first film did show (sort of) Bush as the president with a quick humorous joke though. not by name…

Avatar on June 24, 2009 at 4:48 pm

Oh another thing, since we know Obama is the president in the movie, that didnt make HIM look too good trying to shut down the autoobots, fighters of freedom…awwwwwww…look for the Directors Cut to remove that coming to a theater near you.

Avatar on June 24, 2009 at 4:54 pm

The Hollywood President Problem – I’ve been waiting for this. What will Hollywood do with all these movies that revolve around an incompetent and/or corrupt President and government? Will they change plots? Make the President a cool dude? Make the President white (to eliminate confusion)? Well Transformers 2 is our first peek into the next 3 years. How dare the bestest, smartest, coolest President ever be shown as anything but?

sandy on June 24, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Debbie, you can add major league baseball to the list of kid innapropriate venues. I felt bad for all the Orthodox families I saw at the game who were subject to R rated material from the centerfield scoreboard. I also felt bad about paying $8 for a beer (peer pressure).

Anonymous1 on June 24, 2009 at 11:30 pm

Because one is subjected to foul language does not mean one must use it, because one is surrounded by temptation does not mean one must give in.
Please raise your hands if you do not think your kids are subjected to or using words on the playground that you would find bad. Same goes for sexual behavior. If you think your kids are not being subjected to it on a daily basis from their peers your in for a very rude awakening. My kids hear and see it every day yet they chose for the most part NOT to partake in it. Why? because I did not shelter them completely and pretend that the real world does not exist. My kids are all honor roll straight A students hell bent on a capitalist future. they know what is and what is not appropriate and no movie, video game, song, or political ideology is going to change that. all because I, the PARENT taught them right from wrong and was understanding when they made mistakes.
My point is, it’s not Hollywood that is the problem as a movie is nothing but entertainment (good or bad) It’s the parents not SHOWING the difference between reality and fantasy that is
IMHO

mfee01 on June 25, 2009 at 8:39 am

I love how you blame Hollywood for “not caring about raising parent’s children”. Why should they care? It’s the PARENTS’ responsibility to raise, care for and educate their children, not an entertainment corporation’s. People like you really need to stop scapegoating everything, if the parents suck at their job it’s their fault. Not Hollywood’s, not Eminem’s, not Nintendo’s, not the dog’s. The parents. Of course, some kids are predisposed to be rotten little beasts, but there’s nothing you can do about that besides lobotomy.

And please stop trying to find something anti-Sematic or anti-Israel about every movie you watch. The focus of ROTF wasn’t on either of them, it’s on giant alien transforming robots fighting a war and the humans caught up in the middle of it.

Also, I’m perfectly fine with letting my children see a beautiful woman. The human body is a thing of beauty, wonder and naturalness, why humanity suddenly decided that we need to be ashamed of it is beyond me.

anonymos on November 29, 2009 at 9:00 pm

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