June 24, 2009, - 9:50 am
Transformers 2: Very Dumb, ‘Nother Opportunity 2 Transform Your Kids Into Foul-Mouthed Morons (Plus Israel Off the Map)
By Debbie Schlussel
As longtime readers know, my biggest problem with the movies that Hollywood puts out is not that they’re mostly utter garbage (which they are). It’s that studios pour gazillions into marketing crass, crude, sex-laden, F- and S-bomb encrusted movies to young kids.
That’s yet again the case with “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” a/k/a Transformers 2–a long, boring, stupid movie marketed heavily to children. I mean, after all, it’s Transformers–a set of mechanical toys from the ’80s–upon which the movie is based. And M&M/Mars and Target are doing joint promotions to kids with gross-tasting peanut-butter and strawberry M&Ms (I tried ’em–yuck!) and chances to obtain cute M&M gumball machines.
But Hollywood execs don’t care that too many Americans let them raise their kids. They don’t take the responsibility seriously. They only take their bank accounts seriously. And that’s why we have crap like “Transformers 2.”
Yes, the movie is filled with cars/transformers and cool special effects . . . so many effects that my mind was numbed beyond the numbing of almost two-and-a-half hours of stupid on the big screen. And that’s why, even though it stinks, this movie will make tons of money and top the box office.
And yes, it’s filled with hot women, like Megan Fox, and an ivy league seductress who is actually a decepticon. But is that really for seven year olds? Want your kid staring at butt shots of a 20-something vixen leaning over a motorcycle in barely there jean shorts? Fine for older teens and 20-somethings, but your young kid? Do you want your eight year old son oogling at a sexy, scantilly clad decepticon trying to have sex with the movie’s dull hero (Shia Lebeouf) and then having dangerous metal tentacles coming out of her rear end and sex organs? How ’bout the various scenes of dogs having sex or rubbing up against Megan Fox’s leg?
Want your kids repeating crude jokes about “sucking sacs” and other references to oral sex? Repeating f-, s-, and a-hole words, which make up a good deal of the movie dialogue? How ’bout the p-word? That’s in there, too. Thanks, M&M/Mars, you really know how to market to kids by promoting “Transformers 2″ to them.
Then, there’s the “story”/plot. It’s hard to tell that there’s actually one in this movie. And that’s fine. We know people don’t go to “Transformer” movies for the storyline. But, remember, I liked the first “Transformers” movie (read my review), though that also had a lot of four-letter words and crude references to masturbation, etc.–not suitable for kids. The first movie did have a story–a cute one and a great good-triumphs-over-evil message. In this one, well, not so much. It’s more like: awkward teen goes to Ivy League School, while Decepticons fight good transformers, two hot chicks fight over teen, he has dopey Hispanic roommate/internet guru, and they all end up in Egypt and Jordan (which strangely are right next to each other–yup, even Hollywood has wiped Israel off the map). Ruins of the ancient city of Petra (now in Jordan) are shown to be just yards from the Egyptian Pyramids. Yup, this movie won’t teach your kid geography either . . . but it’ll teach ’em most of George Carlin’s seven words. Terrific.
The movie is so stupid, it’s like a three-year-old wrote it. I know I’ve said the same about “Land of the Lost” (read my review) and “Year One” (read my review). And this movie is in tight contention with those two to be the summer’s dumbest, worst flick.
I know I’ve lectured you before about the morons who call themselves “parents” who take their kids to movies like “Friday the 13th” and “The Watchmen” (read my review). But this movie isn’t much of an improvement. Yes, it doesn’t have the “R” rating and isn’t graphically violent and full of blood and wanton killing like those. But that doesn’t mean it’s good for your kids’ minds.
Or your own.
Simply a waste of time, ten bucks, and 2.5 hours of life you can’t reclaim after the fact.