March 7, 2014, - 2:19 pm
*** SCROLL DOWN FOR UPDATE ***
If your idea of a great movie is a silly, made-up feminist story from the ages when feminism (thankfully) never existed, then “300: Rise of an Empire“–in theaters today, is for you. (I did not see “Mr. Peabody & Sherman,” as it was screened on the Jewish Sabbath, so I could not attend.)
The problem with the sequel to the far inferior sequel to the original “300” movie (read my review) is that it tries sooooo hard to be avant garde and disgustingly shocking, that little time was spent on an actual story. And, so, it results in an unintentionally laughable, very dumb movie full of gratuitous gore, blood, and dismemberments for little purpose. The female villain, “Artemisia” (the pro-Muslim VaJINO [my word for female Jews in Name Only] Eva Green), beheads a guy and then makes out with his dismembered head. Yeah, that must be cool because it’s so avante garde and macabre. There are scenes of birds plucking out the eyes from dead human bodies and eating those eyes. And Artemisia wears a head and cuff arm bracelets made of human hair. *** UPDATE: And don’t forget the ludicrous dialogue with lines like, “You fight harder than you f—;” and, “You’re thinking with your c-ck.” Yay, let’s hear it for modern civilization and Western culture!END UPDATE ***
Then, there’s the graphic, semi-porn sex scene between Artemisia and the protagonist Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton) that tries so hard to be shocking and depraved that it just made me laugh out loud instead. It was unintentionally funny, as is most of this ridiculous movie. I’m sure the fanboy morons will hate on me for admitting this obvious fact because anything based on a “graphic novel”–which is fancy, faux-intellectual speak for comic book–is the gospel for these cerebral slacker boys.
I’m a fan of Stapleton, the Aussie star who plays Themistokles. He’s a good actor and does a great American accent as a counterterrorism agent in the Brit TV series “Strike Back.” But this movie is just stupid, whether or not it is the vehicle that launches him into more Hollywood roles, which I’m sure he’s hoping.
The story: Themistokles, a Greek general, fires the arrow that kills the Persian king so that his son, Xerxes, takes over. The movie is confusing, as part of it takes place during the original “300’s” Battle of Thermopylae, then later battles. But, instead of fighting Xerxes, per se, Themistokles battles Artemisia, who was the dead king’s naval advisor and is his son Xerxes’ military chief. Um, when in ancient times was there a feminist, female general of the Persians? I’d love to know. But–newsflash–Gloria Steinem’s and Betty Friedan’s crap didn’t fly in those days.
Artemisia, who is Greek but hates Greeks, is evil and highly sexual. She vows to beat Themistokles and his fewer men and ships and brings him to her in the middle of the sea for negotiations. The “negotiations” turn out to be the weird, laughable sex scene which ain’t worth your ten-plus dollars. Then, when he won’t join forces with her, he returns to battle and loses a whole lot more men, until finally defeating her in a later battle. The end.
Like I said, there isn’t much story here. Just a lot of fighting and gore meant to shock. No thanks. Just garbage.
Oh, and one other thing: macabre and disgusting for shock purposes does not equal cool and interesting. Just the opposite, actually.
ONE MARX PLUS TWO BETTY FRIEDANS
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: #300movie, 300, 300: Rise of an Empire, 300: Rise of an Empire movie, 300: Rise of an Empire movie review, 300: Rise of an Empire review, Artemisia, Battle of Thermopylae, Eva Green, Greeks, JINOs, movie, movie review, Movie Reviews, Persians, Sullivan Stapleton, Themistokles, VaJINOs, Xerxes