November 25, 2005, - 4:36 pm

While In Mourning Over Nick & Jessica . . . . (Not Really)

By Debbie Schlussel
With the announcement of the most important news story of our time–the split of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey–we can now report that the bizarre relationship between Ms. Simpson and her father, Joe, may now proceed.
A former Baptist Christian minister who left the Church for the more “lofty” prospects of sporting a diamond stud earring, frosted hair, and marketing his two daughters as whores, the senior Simpson has made some interesting pronouncements about his daughter, such as this scintillating gem from a January interview in GQ:
“Jessica . . . just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s. You can’t cover those suckers up!”

jessicasimpsondad.jpg

The Simpsons: Double Ds and Father of Double Ds (FoDD)
Then, there’s this to US Magazine in June: “She gets bold with a glass of wine! . . . . I push Jessica and go ‘C’mon baby, you can do it.’ [Before she wed Nick], I was her provider, her knight in shining armor.”
Looks like Pops can go back to being Double Ds’ “knight in shining armor,” not typically a description for a father-daughter relationship. But then, most fathers are not their daughters’ slut-marketing gurus.
Hey, Jessica: Who’s Your Daddy?!

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8 Responses

As a Baptist Christian G-d fearing fam. we only have each to blame for throwing so much money and fame at them God can only cry

danny on November 25, 2005 at 4:58 pm

That’s absolutely disturbing… What a sick, perverted f*@$ Daddy Simpson truly is. I say this because i’m the father of 7 year old identical twin daughters that have more talent than any 46XX specimen that this putz can sire.

Yiddish Steel on November 25, 2005 at 10:22 pm

Funny thing is, i don’t know eho she is…Bwahahahaha. But boy, do I miss Hiroyuki “Pat” Morita

KOAJaps on November 26, 2005 at 11:30 pm

Debbie nailed it, they are one weird family.
Weirder still is who in the world is supporting these bozos? Ashlee’s record debuted at #1 and she can’t sing a lick and she comes across as a real jerk from that McDonalds video. Jessica is supposedly famous for saying stupid things on some MTV show? Why are people interested in these bims and others like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton?
I really don’t get it. I think our country is run by 13 year old girls at times.
Joe Simpson is one creepy guy.

The_Man on November 27, 2005 at 7:58 pm

The_Man:
I think the reason that people are interested in these talentless pop artist is mainly because of MTV and commercial radio. They are the ones that shove this crap down the throats of young kids these days. They choose style over substance and people buy into it. It’s no longer about the music.
If you ever watch MTV (and I suggest you don’t) and check out their Total Request Live show which features videos that the kids vote on, you’ll notice that they never even show entire videos. On top of that, they usually overlay kids screaming into the camera about how they voted for the current song being played. It’s really all about the visuals.
Also, I think MTV has a stake in the Simpson family’s careers. They have two daughters who have their own shows featured prominently on the network. Of course they are going to want their music to sell well because it will increase viewership to their shows. My guess is that MTV also struck some sort of deal with Joe Simpson to get a back-end deal on some of their record sales as well. I really don’t see any other reason for MTV supporting Ashlee Simpson so much.
It’s a shame that Ashlee’s fraud on Saturday Night Live hasn’t caused consumers to become more aware of the phony lip syncing that occurs at most pop concerts. It’s been obvious for years that no one sings live. It’s just unfortunate that no one cares.

Clompo on November 28, 2005 at 11:04 am

Ooooh, as much as it pains me, I agree with Clompo. It’s all about image.
The likes of Paris Hilton, Lohan, Brittney Spears, and the Simpson bims appeal mainly to 13 to 15 year old teenage bims. Talent has nothing to do with it and the lack of talent is probably a boost because MTV, HOprah, and the other celeb jock sniffers like to promote that fantasy image that you can be a huge superstar just by being using your looks.
It always sells a lot better than telling the truth about working hard to be successful.

Jeff_W on November 28, 2005 at 3:01 pm

Slow news day? I don’t understand why anybody wastes time on these skanks. These aren’t real people, and this isn’t news. Ignore them, maybe they’ll go away.

MarkD on November 28, 2005 at 8:36 pm

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