November 3, 2017, - 3:18 am

Wknd Box Office: Bad Moms Christmas, Thor: Ragnarok

By Debbie Schlussel

Both new movies in theaters today are terrible. Hated ’em.



* Bad Moms Christmas – Rated R: It would be truth in advertising if they’d just kept the first word of the title: bad. This is awful. I hated last year’s “Bad Moms.” But this makes that look halfway decent. If multiple repeat jokes about waxing genital hair is funny to you, then this is your movie. If corny, cheesy faux-emotional scenes and absurd, contrived melodrama are your thing, then this is your movie. For anyone with even a modicum of taste and two brain cells to rub together, run. Run like hell. And thank the Chinese Huayi Brothers for bringing yet more crap to the very-tarnished silver screen. It’s not usual that a sequel to a movie comes out this quickly, just a year later. But they just slapped this crap together, and it’s very apparent. Just like with the first Bad Moms movie.

Vastly overrated “talents” Kristen Bell, Mila Kunis, and Kathryn Hahn are three oversexed, totally immature mothers–two of them single–who were in the crummy first Bad Moms installment, and they have, sadly, returned. Except, this time, they have actresses playing their mothers, who are just as annoying, loony, and unentertaining to watch. The “women behaving badly” genre is stupid and has been done to death. It’s especially necrotic here, as the sick jokes aren’t funny and quickly crash with a loud thud, as they definitely do here. You know the formula: some Hollywood hacks who wrote movies like, “The Hangover,” get a bunch of haggish actresses together and write the same kind of rancid garbage lines and “plot” (if you can call it that), hoping these women acting like piggish men will be the winning formula. It worked a time or two, so now, it seems that’s all they serve up. Um, no thanks.

The story: the three lowlifes from Bad Moms are getting ready for Christmas, but they need to blow off some steam. So, they get drunk, vandalize a shopping mall (in a way normally reserved for frat boys in movies), and steal a Christmas tree from Lady Foot Locker. Then, each of their mothers makes an unwanted visit to town for the holiday. Wow, whatta coincidence!–all three mothers suddenly showing up at the exact same time and each of them causing trouble. I’d call it Hollywood magic, but in this movie everything is more like Hollyweird tragic.

Hahn is a sleazy lowlife who works at a spa as a waxer of the aforementioned pubic hair. She constantly repeats the word “vagina,” which I guess is supposed to make it funny. Nope. Then, one day, a good-looking male stripper comes in to have her wax his genitals. The scene is filled with him lifting his legs up and mentioning various areas to be waxed, most of which I cannot (nor do I want to) mention here. Gross. If you find that funny, you’re kinda common, not to mention low-class. Just saying. That the stripper would be interested in dating Hahn is not believable. At all. Her mother, Susan Sarandon, is mostly a stranger to her and only visits when she needs money. Oh, and also, Sarandon looks and dresses like the President of the Whitesnake Fan Club and is a total slut and sleazebag.

Kunis, who divorced her husband, is now basically living with her boyfriend from the first movie. We’re supposed to laugh at his daughter as she repeatedly uses the F-word and repeats Kunis’ expressions she makes during sex. Awww, ain’t that cute. This child actress’ parents should be investigated for child abuse. But, hey, do whatever it takes to get your young kid into showbiz, right? Whatever it takes. Kunis wants her family to have a “simple Christmas,” but her perfectionist mother, Christine Baranski, moves in and insists on putting up fancy decorations all over the house and holding a big party. In what is completely contrived and totally unrelaxing, uncomfortable melodrama, Kunis repeatedly screams at her mother, tears down Christmas decorations, and ruins Christmas. Newflash: nobody wants to see a movie about a daughter’s completely manufactured anger that her mother wants to spend zillions decorating her house and putting together a Christmas party. There’s a reason there isn’t a “ChristmasZilla” reality show yet.

And finally, there is Bell. Her mother, Cheryl Hines, is smothering–wants to be her best friend, hides in the room while Bell and her husband are having sex, and buys the house next door. Ugh. Again, nobody wants to watch a movie about this.

And then, there’s the movie’s dopey, predictable ending. Who cares?

This movie, if it’s not the world’s worst chick flick, is close enough–very painful to sit through. And completely dumb. YAY, feminism!

High-quality Gitmo torture material. And since Donald Trump is, fortunately, keeping the place open, that’s the only place this crap should be shown.

Even Pierce Brosnan trying to sing in Mamma Mia! wasn’t this bad (but pretty close).

Guys, if your significant female other tries to drag you to this, kill yourself first. Even a mancave in hell is better than this hell at the movies.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR BETTY FRIEDANS PLUS THREE ISIS BEHEADINGS
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Watch the trailer . . .

* Thor: Ragnarok – Rated PG-13: This is the third Thor movie starring Chris Hemsworth in the title role. And it’s incredibly boring and repetitive. Oh, and also pointless. I feel like the Thor movies are the same thing over and over and over again. In this one, they even bring back dead characters to repeat their roles in rehashed boring narratives. Enough already. This is so stale and threadbare. It’s like that horribly worn out ugly coat someone keeps pushing you to buy at the world’s worst garage sale. But–good news!–it’s great for insomnia. I struggled to stay awake. There’s just nothing here, except for the elements plagiarized from the original Star Wars and Guardians of the Galaxy movies. And, yet, the movie goes on and on forever, for two hours and ten minutes. Yaaawn.

The “story”: Thor discovers that his enemy and brother, Loki (Tom Hiddleston), has exiled their father (Anthony Hopkins), and is secretly ruling their home planet of Asgard. Then their father dies and their evil sister, Hela (Cate Blanchett), has broken out of her “eternal” imprisonment. She takes over and is both ruling and destroying Asgard. Thor must stop her. Um, didn’t this (or some variant of it) happen in each Thor movie? Yup.

Meanwhile, as he rushes to save Asgard, Thor is captured by a female “scrapper” named “Valkyrie” (the late Claus Von Stauffenberg is turning over in his grave) who takes him to be imprisoned on a planet run by evil maniac Jeff Goldblum–a self-styled hip-hop-esque DJ who calls himself, “Grandmaster.” Goldblum likes to watch the various inmates of his planet fight to the death in a gladiator-style match in a stadium. And while Thor beats his mightiest competitors, he’s soon matched up against his friend and fellow “Avenger,” The Hulk. They must figure out how to both get out alive and escape the planet.

Eventually, Valkyrie sees the light and sides with Thor, helping him to get off the planet and try to save Asgard. Thor also makes semi-amends with Loki to stop their sister. I guess this makes them “frenemies.”

So, what is “Ragnarok”? Apparently, it’s some sort of mythical cycle of death and rebirth. Or, I guess it’s the euphemism for repeating the same stupidity over and over again to make money in theaters, pretending it’s a new movie.

I felt I was stuck watching a broken record and couldn’t wait ’til it ended. Sadly, it seemed to go on forever.

Marvel movies and their story lines keep getting dumber and dumber.

ONE-AND-A-HALF MARXES
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Watch the trailer . . .

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12 Responses

Ann Coulter

The point of that column on “Sex and the City,” which everyone yelled
at me at the time for making, is that girls don’t talk like that. And
then I realized guys don’t talk like that. This is how gay men talk. I
did a lot of research on it, as I do on all my columns and I came to
the conclusion that “Sex and the City” was basically putting gay men
into women’s bodies.
Which gender relentlessly pursues sex? At least with heterosexuals,
there’s someone there to say “no.” That would be the girl.
Anyway, everyone yelled at me when I wrote it for “George” magazine.
Then a year later, Vanity Fair caught up to my point and made the same
point.

iakovos al on November 3, 2017 at 7:58 am

Debbie,

have you seen or reviewed “Victoria & Abdul”
would like to hear your opinion, I felt like I was hit with a liberal sledgehammer.

FrankB on November 3, 2017 at 10:51 am

Thanks for your customarily very incisive comments, Debbie.
I will be saving my money on these 2 wastes of time.

I like what you say about Hollywood’s rude, selfish, lazy practice of rehashing and slopping back onto our plates the very same jokes and stories that worked the first time – just because, and only because, they happened to work the first time:when the concept was novel.

A bit like the Big Brother tv show. I watched the first season open-mouthed because it was so ground-breaking. Human bonobos on screen 24 hrs grooming each-other and fighting. It was all a bit like Kramer’s portrait on that Seinfeld episode: “Low and brutish… yet I cannot look away”. It was successful -so of course they served it back up to us every. single. year.

As you correctly show, these aren’t sequels but repeats. Now, Godfather 2 – that was sequel! The lesson for Hollywood: If you are going to try to cash in on a first movie’s concept – then at least develop the idea in a fresh way. Take the concept in a new direction. Repeat after me, Hollywood: “It’s all about the writing”.

Stephen Ippolito on November 3, 2017 at 7:13 pm

The only difference between today’s so-called “sequels” (such as with the latest “Bad Moms” and “Thor” installments) and those made in the days of the studio system in the ’30’s, ’40’s and ’50’s, is that in the olden days there were no Roman numerals in the title. Think of “The Thin Man” series (“Another Thin Man,” “The Thin Man Goes Home,” etc.) or the “Blondie” films or Bowery Boys or Francis the Talking Mule or Ma & Pa Kettle or Maisie or Henry Aldrich – I can go on and on.

Concerned Patriot on November 3, 2017 at 9:54 pm

Reading the reviews was painful.
Watching the movies must be torture.

Steve G on November 3, 2017 at 9:58 pm

The new Thor is getting rave reviews. Go figure. I liked the first one (2011), directed by Kenneth Branagh.

Primetime on November 6, 2017 at 12:02 am

    Saw the original yesterday on TNT. It was the best one so far and the musical score fit the movie perfectly.

    Ken B on November 6, 2017 at 10:56 am

Good morning Debbie. Thank you for the great reviews as always. My boss who is an avid movie buff said that he saw Thor Ragnarok and he liked it. He’s also a big liberal who hates the NRA, Fox News, President Trump and listens to NPR. Other than that he’s fair as bosses go. You can’t win them all in that department. I will however wait until Thor comes out on DVD because I do like him as a Marvel character. I also can’t stand that liberal dweeb Mark Ruffalo. As far as I know the only ones from the Avengers movies who haven’t come out as leftwing nincompoops are Chris Hemsworth and Paul Bettany. Makes me want to skip anything Ruffalo is in period. As far as Bad Moms Christmas. I’ll wait until Christmas 2018 when this dreck is in the 3 dollar bin at Ollies.

Ken B on November 6, 2017 at 10:54 am

My husband’s review of Thor: Ragnarok – “It was everything fourteen-year-old me would have wanted from a comic book movie.”

It’s very tongue in cheek, but as you hit the midpoint, they ease back on the joking just enough that in combination with you becoming desensitized to it, the movie hits a stride.

It’s very visual and musical and beautiful to look at. And you get two hours and ten minutes of it, so strictly by poundage you’re getting decent value.

Ingot on November 6, 2017 at 3:04 pm

Well at least Kunis isn’t doing bad television, Family Guy or That 70’s Show anyone?. They all must have never gotten what they wanted at Christmas to do these abominations. Heck those Kathy Ireland tv movies, while corny, are more heartfelt than this junk. A positive to Thor 3 is that Hemsworth’s trying to be masculine unlike the sissy mary Pine in Wonder Woman.

Robert Swords on November 8, 2017 at 7:57 pm

Gotta go with not going to these two winners. We should be paid like you Debbie to go see these movies that time and again “miss the mark”.

jake49 on November 10, 2017 at 12:50 pm

I’m glad they make bad feminist movies so Debbie can have us laughing in stitches

Noah David Simon on November 11, 2017 at 12:19 am

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