January 19, 2006, - 2:50 pm

Film Critic Roger Ebert Declares War on SCHLUSSEL (& Ann Coulter)

By Debbie Schlussel
It’s official. ROGER EBERT HAS DECLARED WAR ON ME (and Ann Coulter, too).
Check this out. My movie reviews must be getting to movie critic Roger Ebert.
Ebert and I have had it out over his buddy, Islamic terrorist, Ibrahim Parlak (here and here). He even cited me in one of his movie reviews, in response.
But now Roger Ebert has posted this on his website. It’s written by RogerEbert.com editor, Jim Emerson. And not to spoil his little game, but I wrote all the reviews cited, except “Good Night & Good Luck” and “Passion of the Christ.”

rogerebertsite.jpg

Liberal Film Critic Roger Ebert:

Gives Mighty Thumbs Down to Conservative Film Critic Debbie Schlussel

Even though I appreciate the exposure–not to mention the ire of all things Ebert, including people and fans–I think I should ask my lawyers if quoting extensively from NINE of my movie reviews violates my copyright, since it’s well more than fair use. If he was going to use so much of my work, couldn’t he, at least, have linked to MY reviews (instead of his own), or MY website?
But, at least, Ebert and company quoted me accurately. I stand by each and every movie review to which they refer, even the excerpts they posted–which I must say are good representations of what I wrote about those films.
So does this mean Ann and I can now have our own movie review show? I guarantee we’d rival Ebert and Roeper in the ratings. People get tired of hearing two middle-aged liberal dudes wax ad absurdum about the merits of “Million Dollar Kevorkian” and Yasser Shlemielberg’s “Munich“.
Ebert and Emerson have a couple of things wrong:
1) I have NEVER “smooched O’Reilly’s rear”. To the contrary on that.
2) As much as they like using the theme song from “The Patty Duke Show,” (Identical Twin Cousins?) Ann and I don’t look alike at all. She’s about a foot taller than me. I’m only 5′ 2″ (well, 5′ 6″ in the heels I usually wear).
But it’s nice to see that, like Today’s USA today, Ebert and Jim, too, have declared war on White Blonde Women. Well, at least liberals are consistent. And monotone.

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24 Responses

Just bring it to Ann Coulter’s attention. She’s a lawyer. She’d probably appreciate the heads-up.

gus3 on January 19, 2006 at 3:55 pm

Debbie, It’s so perfect.

danny on January 19, 2006 at 3:56 pm

Oh Roger. Please stick to the 4 things you do best:
1. Hating your whiteness.
2. Hating your maleness.
3. Hating your fatness.
4. Eating enough to try and forget 1-3.

RightAgain on January 19, 2006 at 4:03 pm

E-mail to Debbie Schussel:
Dear Debbie:
First, I wanted to assure you that, to the best of my knowledge, nobody I know is declaring “war” on you, so I hope you can rest easy on that score. I wrote my “Identical Pundits” game-show parody independently — Roger Ebert had nothing to do with it. I don’t even know if he’s read it yet because he’s off at Sundance. I quoted some of your and Ann Coulter’s best lines about the year’s movies (many of which made me laugh out loud — even if I disagreed with them), and made a game out of trying to figure out which of you said what. (The fact that you both have long, blonde hair in the pictures on your respective sites was just part of the joke — the pictures speak for themselves. No offense intended to Caucasian blonde women.)
As you know, some people often accuse certain movie critics of reviewing films from a leftist ideological perspective; my intention was to display some movie criticism from the ideological right, and let each statement stand on its own without comment from me. My only implied criticism is when you or Ann take swipes at a movie (“Good Night, and Good Luck,” “Bareback Mountain” — er, “Brokeback Mountain”) that you admit you haven’t seen.
So, I’m glad to see you appreciate the exposure and thought the excerpts were “good representations of what I wrote about those films,” and that you stand by them. I hoped you would. And your lawyers will tell you that the amount quoted from each review is so small that it is, in fact, well within “fair use.” BTW, I happen to share some of your distaste for “Memoirs of a Geisha” and some of your enthusiasm for “The Great Raid.” On the other hand, I haven’t seen “Cinderella Man” or “Mr. & Mrs. Smith,” and I know next to nothing about Angelina Jolie’s sex life.
Best,
Jim Emerson
Editor, RogerEbert.com
P.S. And good for you for standing up to Bill O’Reilly on that “cheap land” in Gaza crack he made last August. I hadn’t seen that one.
And if you and Ann Coulter were to do your own movie review show on TV, I think it would be great. Go for it!
FROM DEBBIE SCHLUSSEL:
JIM,
I SEE EVERY SINGLE MOVIE I REVIEW, FROM BEGINNING TO END (WASTING VALUABLE TIME IN MY LIFE I CAN NEVER GET BACK SO MY READERS DON’T UNWITTINGLY DO THE SAME). SO YOU HAVEN’T A CLUE WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT WHEN YOU CLAIM I “TAKE A SWIPE AT MOVIES” I “ADMIT I HAVEN’T SEEN”. NEVER THE CASE. I SPECIFICALLY WROTE THAT I DID NOT SEE “BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN” AND WOULD THEREFORE NOT REVIEW IT. APPARENTLY, YOUR ABILITY TO READ AND COMPREHEND IS LACKING.
ADDITIONALLY, WHILE I CAN DEFINITELY TAKE THE INSULT-LADEN, STUPID SONG LYRICS AGAINST ME AND ANN WHICH YOU WROTE IN YOUR COLUMN, I DON’T HAVE TO LIKE THEM. AND I FIND IT HILARIOUS THAT YOU ARE NOW TRYING TO ACT AS IF YOU TREATED ME AND ANN JUST FINE AND WANT TO BE NICE AND CORDIAL. YOU DIDN’T AND YOU DON’T.
DEBBIE SCHLUSSEL

Jim Emerson on January 19, 2006 at 5:12 pm

Well, Debbie, I’m no authority on the fair use of copyrighted materials. But in light of our country’s slander and libel laws, you might want to stop calling Ibrahim Parlak a terrorist. See this article (http://tinyurl.com/b6s6o), for example.

Grace Nearing on January 19, 2006 at 6:21 pm

I missed Ebert’s declaration of war; was it formal or done under the 1973 War Powers Act?

Spencer Steel on January 19, 2006 at 6:34 pm

Ann and Debbie, at the movies. That would be incredible. But it would never work because it would always be thumbs down – and deservedly so.
5’2″…

Melek Taus on January 19, 2006 at 6:58 pm

To; Jim -the flunky- Emerson.Your boss Ebert got worried . And should be,he’s got things in his open closet that Debbie will shine the light on.And you to Mr. editor.

danny on January 19, 2006 at 7:08 pm

Roger Ebert – he’s the one who didn’t die, isn’t he?

Walter E. Wallis on January 19, 2006 at 7:55 pm

Debbie, what about a 15 minute segment on FOX as part of their weekend lineup. I think you guys could knock out 3, maybe 4 movie reviews. Could be fast paced and a lot of fun. You should suggest that to Fox next time.

John Sobieski on January 19, 2006 at 8:45 pm

Who cares what Roger “Miss Piggy” Ebert says?

KnightoftheImpaler on January 19, 2006 at 10:06 pm

Debbie I think Angelina Jolie’s character in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” killed 312 people, not shtuped them. As to the number of notches on her belt I’d like to be one of them but you have to figure you’re swapping sex germs with most of Hollywood.

shleppy on January 19, 2006 at 11:52 pm

Debbie, I think you and Michelle Malkin would make a better movie reviewing team, blonde and brunette as a contrast. BTW, even though I think Ann is a babe, your picture is much hotter! I don’t know why, but you look taller than 5 foot 2.
I think Ebert is still mad at you for calling him fat.
Hard for me to believe Ebert wouldn’t first approve what is written on his site since it bears his name. It would be like you letting King of all Crap or M & M’s Revenge write some of your posts.
Speaking of that parody on Porky’s site, it was pretty lame. I really didn’t understand the point and it wasn’t funny.
Lastly, it’s good publicity for you.

The_Man on January 20, 2006 at 12:11 am

Ebert was rude and dismissive of Siskel from my view, he is even less likeable now that Siskel has passed. I saw Paradise Now, typical French type story line where nothing happens for a half an hour. The one thing I can say, is that the movie taught me the Palestinians need about a decade just to educate some of their people, they appear to have move themselves back into the Stone Age. They remind me of the Cubans, living in some kind of cave while telling themselves it’s paradise. Denial that the world has passed them by, and that this is not at all part of their own doing.

code7 on January 20, 2006 at 12:32 am

The Cubans here or the Cubans in Cuba? Because I would say the ones here just don’t like being victims of that lying tyrant Castro.
But anyway, ever since Siskel died it seems Miss Piggy is getting less and less popular. He’s just a failed screenwriter who thinks he knows all about the movies. Well, at least he’s not taking over the country and trying to kill all the Jews.

KnightoftheImpaler on January 20, 2006 at 12:46 am

You and Ann? You’re more interesting and I love your review. Roger Ebert is a moron. Hey Rog, if you read this and we know you do, get laid you fat frick!

KOAJaps on January 20, 2006 at 7:03 am

Debbie said, “Ann and I don’t look alike at all. She’s about a foot taller than me. I’m only 5′ 2″.”
Is Ann Coulter 6 foot or taller?
I think Ebert has a crush on Debbie.
If it’s war, my loins are girded.
code7, see http://www.wimp.com/siskel/

Jeff_W on January 20, 2006 at 9:24 am

I will scratch him off my “unbiased” list.

Chief RZ on January 20, 2006 at 11:16 am

In juxtaposition…AC better update HER press photo…not that s/he can eclipse YOUR beauty!!!

EminemsRevenge on January 20, 2006 at 2:36 pm

Someone actually had Ebert on an unbiased list?
I agree with M & M’s Revenge, that’s not the most flattering pic of Ann.
Debbie, just offer to cook Roger a meal and he will love you! I agree with Jeff_W, I think Roger has a secret crush on you.

The_Man on January 20, 2006 at 11:18 pm

KnightoftheImpaler,
I should have left the Cubans out of the conversation. Still just a little pissed about that brat Alien Gonzalez’s father who stayed up late partying every night while we provided the protective detail.
I remember the father just glaring at me one evening like I was the devil or something. He refused a group picture with the brat at the end of the detail, too. He is just where he belongs now, busing tables in some small restaurant.

code7 on January 20, 2006 at 11:50 pm

That was such an easy quiz. You could spot Ann’s – they were written with some skill. Debbie is like Ann except without the wit, the writing ability, the snark….

Otherpop on January 24, 2006 at 1:49 am

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