September 23, 2009, - 2:55 pm

Girlie-Man Nation: These Look Like “Men’s Beds” to You?

By Debbie Schlussel

Today’s Wall Street Journal features an article about how “men” are back, when it comes to buying beds.  The paper claims that companies specializing in manufacturing beds are now catering to men, after years of pandering to women.

But here are a couple of the beds the paper claims are the new “masculine” offerings.

bedsformen

bedsformen2

Do these look like men’s beds to you?  Only if you’re talking flamboyant “men” in San Francisco and Washington’s DuPont Circle (affectionately known as “The Fruit Loop”).  The only straight guy I can see in either of these beds is Austin Powers, and he isn’t real.  Could definitely see Yasser Arafat in one of these.

Here’s a tip:  If you’re a guy, and you seek a “stylish” bed, you might play for a different team.  Beds are for sleeping (and the other thing).  They’re not for style. .  . or for looking like a Barnum and Bailey’s circus act.

The Journal reports on one of the guys who bought a bed by Hollandia International, maker of both the above beds.  It doesn’t say whether he bought one of these tutti-frutti models or something a tad more conservative.  Either way, his wife’s response says it all.

Dave Shapiro, a 33-year-old real-estate investor in Philadelphia, paid $30,000 for a Hollandia International adjustable bed that offers a built-in 32-inch Sony flat-screen TV, surround-sound speakers and outlets for laptops. “The best thing is the TV,” he says. “You don’t have to get up.”

Mr. Shapiro admits his wife was less than enthusiastic when he picked the bed out six months ago. He delighted in showing her that the TV could be lowered into the footboard via remote, and he let her pick out the color and pattern of the mattress fabric. His wife declined to comment.

While women have historically made household bed-buying decisions, the bed industry sees men as a neglected market and hopes that innovative products will rouse them from their spending torpor. In recent years, manufacturers have engaged in something of an arms race to equip mattresses with new comfort features such as memory foam and fancy toppers. Now, the industry is looking to the success of the bigger-is-better entertainment-system craze, which prompted men to equip living rooms with giant-screen TVs, surround sound and music-studio stereos—as well as “man cave” furnishings such as high-tech recliners. The hope: The new man cave is the bed.

Uh, good luck.  There are many things I’d call a “man cave,” but that red, ultrasuede bed (which costs $50,000) ain’t one of ‘em.  The WSJ calls these beds “the Male Sleep Lair.”  Lair?  I don’t think so.  “Lair” evokes a masculine warrior waiting to pounce on prey.  For these bed models, “Bathhouse surrogate”  or “Elton John After-Party” are far more appropriate.

Nothing wrong with marrying gadgets to beds, but when it comes to a canopied lipstick red ultrasuede neo-futuristic brothel look, there’s nothing masculine about it.

We’ve already covered the “man-genta” (hot pink) suits the Journal pushed for men and the “mancorsets” in Paris fashion week.  Not to mention “guybrows.”  Now, these fruity beds.

Why must we shove these bright colors and effeminate pageantry on America’s men?  Those who do it can only want America to fail.  As I’ve noted before, societies without strong men die out.  Name a single matriarchy that remains today and is strong and growing.  You can’t.  There isn’t one.

And the same goes for societies that prize beds fit for . . . a queen.  A Girlie-Man Nation isn’t a nation for long.

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32 Responses

Uhhh… No. Let’s be “straight” here: They’re the beds of a Gay Man.

Yiddish Steel on September 23, 2009 at 3:05 pm

$50,000 and no mirror on the ceiling?

What a rip off!

Sam Adams on September 23, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Dear Mr. Adams: Who wants a mirror on the ceiling?

    Miranda Rose Smith on September 24, 2009 at 6:27 am

So what is a manly bed?

Nakruh on September 23, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    I guess YOU would need to ASK.

    goldenmike4393 on September 23, 2009 at 3:55 pm

      Good one goldenmike4393! LMFAO

      You see, Nakruh had to ask because it wasn’t manly enough for him. If it had 10 lacy pink pillows, a step stool to help little boys get into bed, and a few butt plugs lying around, then it would be manly enough for his tastes.

      Jarhead on September 24, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Kentucky hand made Queen sized wooden bed. Scratches when the Black Lab 50 pound puppy’s hind paws hit it while jumping into the bed to be petted. Other scratches from kids keys and wood carving knives as they grow up. Cracks in the support slats because of stresses induced by you-know-what.

    That’s this man’s bed. I’m not sure, Lo Pupi, that this article deserved foul language in response.

    Occam's Tool on July 14, 2011 at 4:21 pm

The second one…no way. That’s just 70′s porn ugly!! Now, the first one…I’m a little conflicted. The basic design is cool. I immediately thought of Buck Rodgers. But, the red suede has got to go. Why can’t they design things like in the movies? Minority Report and Impostor come to mind. Clean, minimalist, overall some nice toys! :)

cirrus1701 on September 23, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    I don’t like the basic design AT ALL. My cats would claw all that red suede to pieces in a week.

    Miranda Rose Smith on September 24, 2009 at 6:29 am

Hmmm….Debbie wrote “Beds are for sleeping (and the other thing)”….Can I buy a vowel?

CaliforniaScreaming on September 23, 2009 at 4:28 pm

Debbie – anyone dumb or vain enough to spend 50grand on those crappy looking beds obviously has more money than brains…anyone who thinks these manly beds are cool are a little light in the loafers anyways…man 50grand could feed a lot of hungry children!

BIG IRISH on September 23, 2009 at 5:02 pm

No — THIS is a man bed.

And it is the one I insisted upon when we replaced everything following Hurricane Ike.

Rhymes With Right on September 23, 2009 at 5:10 pm

Maybe this will work.

Rhymes With Right on September 23, 2009 at 5:11 pm

My bed frame is solid steel black. I don’t go for the Magenta or the Fuschia thing. Its not a man’s color.

NormanF on September 23, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Rhyme, KISS in furniture. I’m partial to the Bauhaus style. Timeless and modern is my notion of forms and shapes. Severe and understated with a classical touch.

NormanF on September 23, 2009 at 5:29 pm

Frankly, the first “box” like “bed” reminded me of the cat’s abode we got for our pet… That too was box like in shape, had multi colored synthetic “fur” all over it, and various gadgets in and out to keep the feline occupied…

Eliezer on September 23, 2009 at 5:33 pm

“Could definitely see Yasser Arafat in one of these.” OR the ayatoilet humani with his herem of 12 year old boys and jimmy carter.

joesixpack31 on September 23, 2009 at 8:39 pm

Hollandia International’s factory is located in the city Sderot in south Israel, and includes manufacturing and research centers.

Guess what Debbie.. It’s made in Israel i guess it’s not bad after all… lmao

Watcher on September 23, 2009 at 11:37 pm

Watcher, if Debbie knew it was in Sderot, she might make ONE exception.

LOL

NormanF on September 24, 2009 at 1:31 am

They don’t look like woman beds to me. I wouldn’t want to sleep in something that looked like that.

Miranda Rose Smith on September 24, 2009 at 6:25 am

the 70s just called: they need their furniture back. ASAP.

Mr. Jacques on September 24, 2009 at 6:28 am

If I could pick whatever bed I liked, I might pick a canopy bed. But I’d have to put lots of lemon oil on the bedstead, so my cats wouldn”t claw all that lovely varnished wood.

Miranda Rose Smith on September 24, 2009 at 6:33 am

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1215630/Tights-men-Would-let-boyfriend-wear-these.html

Here`s more girlie man accessories…….LOL

hermster on September 24, 2009 at 9:21 am

Those are “man beds”? You’e kidding right? Looks more like “sissy beds”.

Paul on September 24, 2009 at 10:22 am

Obviously QueerDaffi came to the US, not to address the UN primarily, BUT to get him one of these “butt-boy” beds.

joesixpack31 on September 24, 2009 at 11:57 am

Years ago when I did field service, I went into someone’s house to do some work… and saw they had a “man bed” similar to the purple one… except the damn thing was on some sort of raised pedestal, so that the mattress was about my face level. Yes, there was a little step stool thing next to the bed. The reason why the mattress was face level? Let’s just say this: the two men who shared this home said “fabulous” a lot. ;)

Doda McCheesle on September 24, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    Some old-fashioned beds are high up enough to need a step stool next to them. I’ve stayed with friends who had such a bed in their guestroom.

    Miranda Rose Smith on September 25, 2009 at 1:34 am

Why Debbie, WHY do you raise the vision of Yasser Arafat on that bed. Now I need to eat another dinner to replace the one that’s all over my living room floor!

Kuffar09 on September 25, 2009 at 1:45 am

Fuck you and your understanding of the word “lair”. Lair is abode is home.
Example: The evil genius has a wonderful secret underground lair.

Lair has nothing to do with stalk, which is I think the world you were describing the imagery for.

Lo Pupi on September 11, 2010 at 2:01 am

Miranda, my dear—any man lucky enough to have a magnificant woman like you would want a mirror there to see you from all angles.

Occam's Tool on July 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm

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