January 27, 2006, - 10:38 am
By Debbie Schlussel
* “Imagine Me & You“: “Brokeback Mountain” Chick-version (yes, lesbians). As my mom (who saw it) said, “Eeuuw.” Skip it.
* “Annapolis“: “An Officer and a Gentleman” LITE . . . Very Lite (and minus the sex scenes–none in this movie–but plus a whole lot of boxing scenes). This movie is time wasted, and that’s not patriotic.
Features platinum-record singer Tyrese Gibson (a/k/a “Tyrese”) as a low-rate Louis Gossett, Jr. This has a 21st century twist: Instead of a Deborah Winger girlfriend looking to be rescued, the female love interest (Jordana Brewster, the beautiful cross between Demi Moore and Ali McGraw, who is the real-life granddaughter of a Yale president and daughter of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model) is the feminist NOW version: She’s the more senior officer to lead James Franco, the handsome Jewish actor whom I liked in “The Great Raid” and “Tristan and Isolde“. Good-looking actors, terrible script. Also co-starring Old Kid on the Block, Donnie Wahlberg (yuck).
If I were Asian or Black, I’d especially dislike this movie. The Asian in this movie is a goody two-shoes, tattle-tale perfectionist. The two Black characters are an unforgiving, tight-ass officer and an overweight failure.
* “Bubble“: Just plain dreadful. Do you like watching a slow, boring movie about people in West Virginia working in a factory and leading depressing lives in trailers? Me neither–not an elitist view, given that movies are supposed to be an escape, and West Virginia factory workers would want to escape this movie as much as I did. The use of dull, ordinary hicks instead of real, glamorous actors doesn’t help. Hardly a murder mystery thriller as it is billed. In fact, that comes at the end of the movie and is never developed.
I’m sure noblesse oblige liberal critics will love it–seeing some non-existent “inner beauty” or “depth” to this celluloid time-waster. The emperor (or film-maker) wears no clothing.
This movie has been getting a lot of hype because my “friend”, billionaire Mark Cuban, chose this as his first “simultaneous” (not really) DVD/moviehouse release. If this is the type of movie he thinks will put moviehouses out of business, he needs to stop smoking Mary Jane. Anyone rushing to buy this DVD is a fool. Likely more on this in an upcoming column.
Tags: actor, Ali McGraw, An Officer and a Gentleman, Annapolis, boxing, Bubble, Debbie Schlussel, Deborah Winger, Demi Moore, Donnie Wahlberg, emperor, Isolde, James Franco, Jordana Brewster, Jr., Louis Gossett, Mark Cuban, Mary Jane, officer, platinum-record singer, President, senior officer, Sports Illustrated, The Great Raid, Tristan, Tyrese Gibson, West Virginia, Yale