November 14, 2006, - 11:31 am

The Schlussel Test: New Citizenship Exam Doesn’t Have the Questions it Should

By Debbie Schlussel
Citizenship and Immigration Services (CIS) is trying out a new citizenship exam in 10 U.S. cities, this winter. Allegedly, the new test will focus on the immigrants’ grasp of U.S. democracy instead of the current one, which is heavy on history, the flag, etc.
But hasn’t the test always done this–focused on democracy and the Constitution? It has, and it hasn’t made a dent in loyalty of certain aliens seeking citizenship, like the ones from the “Religion of Peace.” Changing the questions from a focus on the colors of the flag to the Boll of Rights–as this “new” test does–won’t change a thing. If, say, Mohammed Atta took the test, he’d know the answers through rote memorization. That’s what Sami Al-Arian was planning to do (he had his green card).
CIS spokesman Shawn Saucier claims the new test will

make sure people who apply for citizenship and want to become citizens understand and adhere to the values we have as a society.


But how does focusing on more rote memorization of the same Constitutional facts and phrases do that? It simply doesn’t.
Knowing the answers wouldn’t mean a thing about loyalty to America or belief in our democracy. My suggested citizenship test would be short and simple–and very revealing. Here are the questions that should be on the test, but which America doesn’t have the testicles to ask of those who want official membership in our country (must be taken with a lie detector test):
1. If a woman doesn’t want to cover her hair with a headscarf, she should be:
a) allowed to do as she pleases.
b) stoned to death, after being buried up to the neck in dirt. The woman exposed her sexy hair to men who are not her husband, so she is clearly a whore unworthy of life.
c) forced to watch PBS specials and the “ladies” of “The View.” Wearing a do-rag on my head is like way totally cool. Means I don’t have to wash or do my hair.
2. If a person who was once a Muslim chooses to convert to Christianity and attend an Evangelical Church, he should be:
a) allowed to worship as he pleases, in peace.
b) beheaded, after being tortured with cigarette burns and amputation of each of his extremities.
c) forced to take a poor Kazakh named “Borat” into his church and then pay for Borat’s busfare to California to meet his new wife, Pamela Anderson.
3. If you encounter a Jew walking down the street, you should:
a) do nothing and go on your way like any other normal American. Jews have been loyal citizens in this country from the time of its founding and serve in all branches of the armed forces.
b) point him out to your children as the son of pigs and monkeys (just like the followers of Jesus through Mary are), whom Allah will destroy when America becomes a Muslim country after decades of illegal aliens and kowtowing to the rights of Islam above all others. Teach your children that it is rewarding to stab him.
c) treat him to a gefilte fish souffle or bagels au lox.
4. Your religion is:
a) one of the Judeo-Christian theologies or one of the more peaceful Asian religions, such as the Bahai Faith.
b) the “Religion of Peace.”
c) House of Jim Jones with communion of purple Kool Aid.
5. The Constitution is:
a) a document written by our brilliant founders, which gives all people of all faiths, non-faiths, and creeds the right to life and liberty, free speech, freedom of religion, and many other rights that Islamofascists envy for themselves but want to take away from us.
b) contains certain sections which we can use to help jihadists and give them rights we didn’t have in our Muslim nations; is a document soon to be replaced by the Koran; is suitable for toilet paper by our dear brothers, the freedom fighter tenants of Guantanomo Bay.
c) something that is helped when senior citizens drink their prune juice and take their meds.
6. Jihad is:
a) the Islamofascist fight to defeat all non-Muslims, using force and violence.
b) the just cause and required course for all Muslims.
c) the first name of the exotic guy I’m “dating,” who gives me drugs and is teaching me the beauty of Islam and hating my Christian and Jewish parents.
7. The Koran is:
a) a document that sounds strangely plagiarized and poorly reworked from the Christian and Jewish Bible; has been used to justify mass murder of innocents for centuries, an excuse that continues to be employed for the same to date.
b) the document that is my ultimate authority and commands me to lie, cheat and steal from all non-Muslims until I forcibly convert them; will ultimately replace the U.S. Constitution as the supreme law of the United States, as Allah has commanded it shall be so.
c) that cool book that my boyfriend Jihad says will change my life, once I’ve covered my hair and had 7 children with him.
8. If a Muslim woman dates a non-Muslim man, she is:
a) an open and tolerant person. But who cares if he’s not a Muslim, and why is it our business?
b) a whore who disgraces us all and must be honor-“eliminated” immediately by her parents, brothers, or uncle.
c) Well, why should she date a non-Muslim, when she could become one of the multiple wives of my boyfriend, Jihad?
9. The American Flag is:
a) the symbol of the greatest country on earth, the emblem of freedom, bravery, and heroism, the emblem of our various states–the originals and the rest.
b) a dirty rag symbolizing evil Zionist imperalists and stupid, immoral Yankee gluttons. The flag will soon change, and we can’t wait to put our crescent and ugly colors of orange, black, green, and white that adorn every virtually identical, unoriginal flag of each of the Muslim/Arab nations.
c) Uh, can you pass the chips, please? Those joints made me hungry.
Yes, that test would be very revealing, and no-one needs to study for it. Again, potential citizens would have to take it while hooked up to a lie detector test. After all, Islam believes in taqiyah (deception of Infidels). It would help us root out a lot of undesirable citizens. And prevent us from having rallies on our own shores of 10 to 25,000 so-called Americans celebrating a group (Hezbollah) which murdered 300-plus Americans.
But why do it? After all, we’re just going through the motions. And we’re really not serious in the War on Terror. A re-worked, rote memorization exam won’t change that.
Hint: If you answer anything but “(a)” to all of the questions, you probably shouldn’t be eligible for citizenship.
CIS spokesman Saucier says the new test was

designed to encourage immigrants to really look at our history and government.

Believe me, they’ve looked. And, most recently, they see mush. That’s the problem.
Flashback: New Dutch Citizenship Test Irks Muslims. Now, that’s where we should be headed–a test like that before we become like the Dutch, who’ve lost their country to Islamofascism and are too late to take it back. But sort of trying.

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14 Responses

Right on, Debbie. But you are too generous. Here is my test. Are you already a citizen? Yes, fine. No, get in the deportation line. Overpopulation is crushing us. Just no more room. Stay home or go home if you are not a citizen. Handcuffs and plane fare if you don’t go voluntarily. OK with me if the pilot got his training from Flight Simulator.

jeebie on November 14, 2006 at 12:21 pm

Brilliant test, Debbie! Too bad the “powers-that-be” will never use anything like it. We probably won’t take the right steps to protect our country until it’s too late or almost too late. God help America.

FreethinkerNY on November 14, 2006 at 12:46 pm

Great piece, Debbie. You’re right on the money. Your test should be required along with the examination of our history, what it means to be a democracy, etc.
My test, however, would be far simpler and to the point. It would include a few preliminary test questions that would weed-out the America-hating vermin.
Are you a Muzlum? (Please check ONLY one): Yes___ NO___
If you checked “Yes”, please return to your shithole of origin, or throw yourself into the path of an oncoming train (and take your “anchor baby” spawn with you).
If you checked “No”, just to be certain, you must;
A. Defecate on the Qur’ an and tear out its pages to wipe yourself;
B. Publicly state that Mohammad was the murdering spawn of Satan;
C. Publicly state that Islam was the invention of demon-obsessed pedophile;
D. Publicly state that women have the same rights as men;
E. Publicly state that Sharia Law is an abomination of mankind and is practiced only by barbarian savages who still exist in the 7th century.
If you succeed in doing the above, then proceed with the test.
If you pass; Congratulations! You have a probationary citizenship period that runs for the rest of your natural life, during which time, your citizenship may be revoked for any offense, including spitting on the sidewalk; At that point, you are to be deported to your shithole of origin (and take your “anchor baby” spawn with you).
If you fail; Hooray for America! Please return to your shithole of origin, or throw yourself into the path of an oncoming train (and take your “anchor baby” spawn with you).

Thee_Bruno on November 14, 2006 at 1:33 pm

You completely misread the article, Debbie. The article you linked to states: “The test will focus more on the Bill of Rights and democracy than what colors are on the flag.” So the colors of the flag will be LESS of a focus, not more. And that’s a good thing. I am a naturalized US citizen, and I thought the old exam asked trivia questions that didn’t really test the understanding of democracy (colors of the flag, name of current president, name of the person who discovered America — that’s what was on the old exam.) So this change is for the better, not for the worse. Read the article CAREFULLY again, please.

harle2000 on November 14, 2006 at 2:42 pm

I have a copy of the book written for prospective candidates for U.S. Citizenship written and autographed by a former US Attorney General in 1938. The harder you have to work for something the more value it has to you. We have watered down the whole process because new immigrants translate to votes and political power. As evidenced by the book, an applicant had to be more than “encouraged” to look at our history and understand our language.
CIS is accepting that: the new immigrants can only pass a test fit for farm animals, or they don’t care on their own to find out what it has meant to those that have come before us to become U.S. Citizens.

code7 on November 14, 2006 at 10:49 pm

Probably the questions I would ask the Arab/Muslim applicants (taken, of course, with a lie detector) will be the following:
1 – Why do you want to be an American Citizen?
2 – Do you love America?
3 – If America wages a defense war against your country of origin, will you be willing to support America and volunteer in its Military to kill the enemies of America, being in this case the citizens of your country of origin?
4 – A direct question: Are you willing to kill Muslim people like yourself, in a war, in defense of America?
5 – What do you think about Israel? Do you like Israel? Israel gave up land to the Palestinians, yet the Palestinian Terrorists are bombing and kidnapping the Israelis. Do you support the Palestinians who are killing Israelis?
6 – Are you willing to give up your culture, language, way of life of your country of origin to embrace the ones of America?
7 – The applicant must be able to speak, read, write and understand ENGLISH.
After the applicant passed the previous questions and conditions, he/she will go to a citizenship class (not reading or download texts from the web) where he/she will learn the history of America, her culture, way of life, the Constitution, etc.
All that will be a process of initialization to what should be the most important event in a person’s life: Being an AMERICAN CITIZEN!

Independent Conservative on November 14, 2006 at 11:45 pm

By the way, to tell you the truth, I would shut the door. No Muslim should be allowed to enter in my country, never again. Those living here must go. If we want to live in peace, we must get rid of the “religion of peace” and its followers.

Independent Conservative on November 14, 2006 at 11:49 pm

“7. The Koran is:
a) a document that sounds strangely plagiarized and poorly reworked from the Christian and Jewish Bible; has been used to justify mass murder of innocents for centuries, an excuse that continues to be employed for the same to date.
b) the document that is my ultimate authority and commands me to lie, cheat and steal from all non-Muslims until I forcibly convert them…”
The ABOVE is the BEST “take” in a nutshell, on the Koran, that I have seen in a long time, ESPECIALLY “a document that sounds strangely plagiarized and poorly reworked from the Christian and Jewish Bible”.
Great work Deb!
I am going to repeat this “quote” forever!!

The Canadien on November 15, 2006 at 6:57 pm

Changes to the U.S. Citizenship Test?
I suggest that one part of the exam include the Sexual Adjustment Inventory – Offender Screening Instrument. As we know, Islam instructs its male adherents to treat their women and children as chattel. That, combined with the sexual proclivities of their founder and prophet Mohammed ëMay God Bless and Revere His Holy Name Forever in Furtherance of Peace and Other Liesí were, how shall I say, ummm perverted? Those who fail the exam and thus demonstrate that they are incompatible with Western Civilization should be denied not only citizenship, but should be shipped back to wherever on a slow, leaky boat.

Rocketman on November 15, 2006 at 8:33 pm

    lliteracy, fanatiscm..aren’t doing anybody any good.
    Let’s face it.
    We have to move on with the times, so we are.
    We have freedom , of speech, anything and eveything .
    We stand up for our rights.
    We fall in love, we fall out of it.
    We are a superior breed.
    Family values…they are where they should be.relationships , yes we need them , most of us are co-dependent .We have solid relationships with drug-abuse, alcohol, sex-addiction, you name it.We are open-minded, we are gay as we want to be.we even share the same needles. Who cares, AIDS takes years to kill.And we are so advanced something might come up!!.GAy is o.k..What’s not o.k. are those goddam Arabs.
    Girlfriends come and go,
    No one is too young or too old.
    can’t find one, mother or sister will do,
    even a 6 year old will do, agreed its not right but in the heat of the moment …and there’s always counselling and money to spend.
    A brave breed , we American’s are, we gamble, we loose, its nothing big, we cant save, we are generous LOOSERS.
    We say one thing and do another.
    We have the best technology in healthcare and in weapons of war,but we hate it when others defend themselves against us.
    Why should they?.
    We are harmless, we are there to help others.
    Can;t they see , we are the supreme nation, superior than any other?. All they need to do is submit their lives to us and we will take care them.
    We are peacemakers, we havent waged any wars with anyone.
    We have only helped other nations attain peace.
    We are a proud country having provided shelter to tons of immigrants in their times of need.Out terms with the Middle East are especially friendly, as they are our partners in OIL.
    When it comes to Fuding we look EAST.

    AlertATalltimeZ on October 12, 2009 at 5:46 am

Unfortunately Deb, your test would disqualify and expatriate many so-called “Americans.”
Should we offer the test to Imam Pelosi & al-Murtha?

Randog on November 15, 2006 at 10:14 pm

Some good ideas, but so what? The open borders tank corps just keeps rolling through, as it did, BTW, against the voters wishes in the recent election. Why? It can’t be any of the explanations I’ve seen. They are, frankly, just ridiculous. Seems to me that answer is what’s missing.

spottswoode on November 15, 2006 at 11:40 pm

A few suggestions:
First, use open-ended questions. They are harder to memorize and they can reveal more about the person answering them.
Second, require that the exam be given in English only. If they cannot read and write in English, they should not be taking the test. They should be in English language classes.
Third, require that the petitioner for citizenship renounce all claims to their former country. This is for the purposes of loyalty in time of war.
We must remember that it is not just the Islamofascists that threaten our existence. It is also the many illegal Mexican invaders that wish to annex us as a part of greater Mexico. Also the gangs, like MS13 who are not going to apply for citizenship are also our enemies. This last group should not be given any trials, but simply deported for parts unknown, or at least, parts so far from civilization that they will never be able to return to the US.

Loser on November 18, 2006 at 12:40 am


NOT IMPORTANT on October 12, 2009 at 5:19 am

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