February 12, 2008, - 10:42 am

Republican “Valentines”: GOP Needs New Comedy Writers

By Debbie Schlussel
GROAN. That’s my response to the cheesy humor on equally cheesy Valentine’s Day e-cards the Republican Party’s putting out for the big “romantic” holiday.
Don’t get me wrong. I agree with the message. It’s the delivery that needs help. The GOP needs waaaay better comedy writers than this. It’s like some lounge act wrote them. A lounge act from 1962:

The RNC circulated an email this morning featuring six different e-cards featuring the Democratic presidential hopefuls that you can send to the special Republican in your life this Thursday.


The three Clinton cards depict the New York senator as a tax-hiker with inscriptions that say, “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put T and AX together,” and “On this Valentine‚Äôs Day . . . may higher taxes come your way!,” and “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’ll raise your taxes and there is nothing you can do.”
The Obama cards focus on his record in both the U.S. Senate and the Illinois state senate. “Three years in the U.S. Senate qualifies me to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day,” says one, “Will you be my Valentine? Yes . . . No . . . Present?” says the other. The third card offers a simple, “My liberal heart bleeds for you.”
The RNC folks aren’t alone in using politicians on their Valentine’s cards. Hallmark released a first-ever four-card series earlier this year featuring President Bush, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Al Gore, and Clinton as cupids. “Is it global warming in here, or is it just you?” says the Gore card. Obama didn’t make the cut for the Hallmark series.

Here’s the Valentine’s Day cards I’d send out:

Roses Are Red,
Clintons Are Blue,
They’re Pimping Chelsea,
Don’t Dare Mention That, You!

And this:

Some states are Red,
Too many others are Blue,
If B. Hussein O. Reaches the White House,
The Nation of Islam will, too.

Or this:

Roses are red,
The Clintons are blue,
Obama may take the White House,
Then, Beware if you’re a Jew


Roses are red,
Tony Rezko’s prison blue,
Obama’s a radical phony,
Hilllary’s a shrew.
Roses are red,
Monica’s dress was blue,
Bill’s sizing up new interns,
Obama’s NOI staffers are, too.

Okay, so mine aren’t too good, either. But I’m not trying to compete in the humor–or Valentine–biz.
Hey, GOP, get some real comedy writers. STAT.


Can you dream up some new Valentine’s Day comedy for the humor-starved GOP fuddy-duddies? Post in the comments section.
One last one, this one for McCain:

Roses are red,
John McCain is blue,
Radio talk show host Mark Levin’s in love with his late dog Sprite,
And attacking McCain like a shrew.

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5 Responses

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m voting for Obama
Debbie Schlussel will too.

Audacious on February 12, 2008 at 11:17 am

A dead party writes dead jokes. Nothing shows how far out of it the GOP is like those awful cards.

Howard on February 12, 2008 at 12:26 pm

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Debbie Schlussel is a one trick pony
seems all she can be is a hate mongering Jew

lawdood on February 13, 2008 at 1:22 am

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Lawdead dude is jealous
And freaking rude

Daniel on February 13, 2008 at 2:48 am

What will we do,
when Obama is the Man,
Impeachment, IMPEACHMENT!

exdemexlib on February 13, 2008 at 9:34 am

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