February 14, 2013, - 11:41 am

Happy Male DREAD 2013 – Doghouse Risk Extra-Avoidance Day (VIDEO)

By Debbie Schlussel

Hey, did you know today is Valentine’s Day, or as we more accurately call it on this website, “DREAD” — Doghouse Risk Extra-Avoidance Day (for men only)? Unless you’ve been living inside a mushroom or on another planet, you can’t avoid it, as the mainstream media and every store and related business around America promote this fake holiday endlessly. I’ve written about this many times over the years, but it bears repeating: today is not about romance. It’s about obligation–the obligation of men to rush to CVS or Walgreen’s after work, today, and buy their wives or girlfriends (or both, in some cases) cards, candy, chocolates and/or roses. If they don’t, they’re in the doghouse (the chicks have no such strongly implied obligation), and in many cases they dread this chore.


And today is primarily about avoiding the doghouse. Regardless of the fact that many of these men work every day to support their families (or, in far too many cases, are stuck at home playing Mr. Mom), none of that counts if they don’t bring home something nice today . . . because Hallmark and Kay Jewelers and florists and candy makers and FOX News and “Good Morning America” said so. Even Google, if you visit the search engine today, has some very weird, creepy animal romance cartoons (looks like they got a tip from the sickos’ Valentine’s Day animal sex dinner at the Detroit Zoo) in place of its usual logo, which reminds me of the depraved “interspecies erotica” alluded to in the disgusting Clerks II (read my review).

Here’s an excerpt from one of my previous DREAD columns–it never changes:

Anyone who confuses what Hallmark tells you to do–and the expectations of females who don’t appreciate your hard work and caring 364 other days of the year–with love doesn’t know what the word means. Today is something you gotta do to stay out of the doghouse. It’s not something you chose to do. It’s an expectation you must meet or meet that fury far beyond what’s in store in hell, as the saying goes.

The Real Story Behind DREAD a/k/a Valentine’s Day (J.C. Penney got killed by the PC crowd for this) …

That’s how most American men feel. I see it every year on this day around 6:00 p.m., if I’m at the local drugstore. Like clockwork at that time on Valentine’s Day, a steady stream of hurried, harried, not-too-happy-looking men are intently rushing in-and-out, in an emergency stampede to avoid the cold shoulder at home for the next month. That’s only the case for men. Today is about women. And they’re selfish. They are the recipients, not the givers. The stats show that, as men spend several times as much on their women as women do on their men. And they do it, so they can avoid the whining, no sex, and other results of not American Greeting and Hallmarking the day along with Hershey’s and FTD. If a husband or boyfriend doesn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day, I doubt he’ll be heartbroken over it . . . unless he’s gay. Just doesn’t happen.

I’ve written about this every year (including here and here), and every year it’s the same. It’s expected. And the sheeple men do it because they won’t stand up and say, “Hey, does it not occur to you when I work 365 24/7 to put food on the table and keep our house heated, that that’s love?” Yes, I know, today, many women are the workers and make more than hubby. For the men in those relationships, I’ll bet today is that much worse. They already feel less of a man (if they’re honest), and now they must show they’re more of a man by buying something when their wife/girlfriend–the bigger breadwinner–holds not just the purse, but the purse strings.

So, for me, today is always an entertaining day. So predictable. It never changes. If there’s one good thing about Valentine’s Day, it’s the billions that get pumped into a very sour American economy. But it’s out of obligation and it’s an artificial one-day-a-year thing. Nothing impactful in the long run.

And the DREAD entertainment continues today. Though it gets old. It’s like Groundhog Day. Same old thing each year, only worse.

Happy DREAD, guys! Won’t you not be my DREADentine?

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17 Responses

LOL! Thanks Debbie! And an actual Happy Valentine’s Day to you! I loved that commercial when it came out (I think it was for one of the Super Bowls). I know several coworkers who are celebrating DREAD today, most of them buying flowers in a last-minute panic. Nothing says I love you” from your wife/girlfriend like holding the relationship version of the Sword of Damacles over your head!

Sean M. on February 14, 2013 at 12:00 pm

Mrs. Jack and I married 33 years. We’ve never had a fight, nor a disappointment in one another. We’re still on our honeymoon. Love is the easiest thing in the world, effortless. Joy, happiness and excitement to get another day, each day.

But for the Low-Information Voter, being led around by the nose what to do, what to say, how to act, these Manufactured ‘Holidays’ must be terrifying. Fark’em. Go with love and don’t look back.

Jack on February 14, 2013 at 12:01 pm

Debbie you’re as awesome as you’re funny. I just spent the majority of my lunch hour at the nearby NEX. I went there and got my wife the usual humorous Valentine’s Day card. What was funny was seeing the sheer panic on the faces of some of the guys especially the unmarried ones. There’s nothing goofier than seeing a Naval officer walking around with a bunch of flowers, ballons and a man sized teddy bear in his cart looking like he could pass out any minute. As you said on this day the jewlery, flower and card stores are all to happy to take our money with a smile. I’m fortunate to have someone who doesn’t expect gifts like six foot stuffed animals and has the same sense of humor about this day as I do. Have a DREAD full day Debbie…LOL!

Ken b on February 14, 2013 at 1:06 pm

In Russia a week later, on Feb. 23, its a day when girlfriends, wives, mothers, grandmothers and sisters do something special for the men in their lives. Originally, it was a holiday to commemorate the founding of the Red Army but it turned into something different, a day to remind people that men who give their lives to protect their country and families are worthy of appreciation and love.

Now that’s Valentine’s Day in which not only one side pays tribute to a loved one. But as we all know, American women are cheap when it comes to their men. No wonder half of all marriages end in divorce. That’s a lesson our culture doesn’t seek to change for the better on Valentine’s Day and men and society pay the price for female selfishness writ large. And it won’t change im the future.

NormanF on February 14, 2013 at 1:22 pm

I’ll celebrate Valentine’s day when my wife observes Steak & A BJ Day… http://www.steakandbj.org/

SDF on February 14, 2013 at 1:43 pm

THANK YOU DEBBIE!! This is spot on! Loved it!

PDMac60 on February 14, 2013 at 2:25 pm

Debbie, this has got to be one of the funniest articles you ever wrote, even if I were in a relationship with a female, I still would LOL with this piece you presented Ms. Schlussel. I also bet if a dumbass bleeding-heart PCer reads this link, he or she will be offended and start calling DS all disrepectful names under the sun, but thankfully for me and everybody else here, we all get what Debbie is saying.

When I find myself a girlfriend, I just hope she’s not too materialistic (it’ll be ok if she wants some stuff, I’m not saying she can’t be materialistic) by asking to buy this and that for her, etc. I really don’t have no issues with Valentines Day, it’s not really a holiday, it’s just another day IMO, many folks refer to this day as “Love Day” in some regard.

OT, from what I’ve both heard and read is that in the muslim world today, the islamists are yet again showing their colors, but this time, their showing their hatred for Valentines Day, buy burning and deficating Valentines Day images, etc. I’m really not surprised by these islamists, because they are miserable SOBs!

“A nation is defined by its borders, language & culture!”

Sean R. on February 14, 2013 at 2:52 pm

My wife loves flowers, but not on this day, when roses are three times their normal price, as are dinners out. Tonight we will go hit the tennis ball around. And we don’t buy cards because of the environmental waste for no good reason.

I will buy her flowers when I want to, and we will go out when we want to, not because of a Hallmark holiday. And my wife is smart and we know not to move in lockstep with the world if we don’t want to. It is why our wedding was purposely on the 13th (not on a Friday evening, as that would not have been allowed under Jewish law).

Jonathan E. Grant on February 14, 2013 at 3:59 pm

Debbie – this was hilarious!

I was proactive this year and bought the VD card in January, but now I cannot find it. A good deed never goes unpunished. I did get my wife what she wanted – strawberries covered in dark chocolate. Much cheaper than flowers.

Concerned Citizen on February 14, 2013 at 4:18 pm

I’ve been rebelling and protesting against regulated, fake, holidays that offend me since about 1990. Actually Christmas is what started it with me with the disgusting, p.c., “Happy ‘Holidays’!” exclamation that is rampant in these progressive (read: oppressive)times where people that I know are Christian are wishing me some unknown “holiday” (which “holiday” are they wishing me happiness on? Kwanza? Ramadan? If they don’t know me well enough to know my religion, then spare me the perfunctory “wish” for happiness, please))in which I’m supposed to drain my bank account or max out my credit cards buying crap gifts for people.

Thanks for calling out this particularly loathsome one, Debbie.

DS_ROCKS! on February 14, 2013 at 4:24 pm

Am I the only one who noticed that the initials for Valentine’s day, “VD,” also stand for the abbreviation for “venereal disease”?

Happy Venereal Disease day, everyone!!!

Jonathan E. Grant on February 14, 2013 at 5:04 pm

Debbie, that video was hilarious! Unfortunately, so true. Well, my husband gave me a humongous bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream for Valentine’s. But NOT to stay in my good graces–he just knows how much I love it. Sheesh, what is it with these women?

tiarosa on February 15, 2013 at 2:13 am

I agree with Debbie. Add to this another Pagan Ritual, Halloween, when children are sent out to beg for treats to boost sales of candy, etc.

Rochelle on February 15, 2013 at 11:57 am

Thanks, Debbie. Your honesty, intelligence and sense of humor are SO refreshing. Seriously.

Pray Hard on February 15, 2013 at 4:38 pm

I married my wife on 9/7/1995. She is an exquisitely wonderful lady, and a fantastic wife and a perfect mother.

This is the year of our 18th Anniversary. She likes to knit. So I got her about $324 of high quality yarn to knit sweaters with. She was thrilled, and I am happy that is so. She got me some history books, for roughly the same amount.

It is important to tell the loved ones in your life that they are loved, as life is short and uncertain. It is a privilege to go shopping for gifts for such a fantastic human being.

That’s my view of Valentine’s Day. I am a very fortunate man.

Occam's Tool on February 18, 2013 at 2:25 am

I prefer the Japanese way… Yes, like Christmas they have taken over the spending habits of Valentine’s… However, they have do so with a twist… Which, IMHO, makes a great improvement…

In Japan, on Valentine’s day, it’s the WOMEN who get gifts for their partners…

However, on March 14, one month after Valentine’s day, it’s “White Day” and the favor gets returned by the MEN…

Hans on February 18, 2013 at 12:15 pm

One year later, and I still can’t compliment my wife enough.

Occam's Tool on February 16, 2015 at 4:53 am

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