October 14, 2004, - 3:44 pm

“Team America” Rocks

By Debbie Schlussel
No wonder Sean Penn is miffed at Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

He and other liberal airhead celebs–like Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, and Alec Baldwin–finally get their comeuppance. 

They’re dismembered, incinerated, and otherwise tortuously eliminated by the “South Park” creators.

Unfortunately, it’s just the puppet version.  And it’s only on celluloid. The real-life versions of these self-righteous glitterati pains in the rear are still with us.

But it’s always nice to fantasize — as Stone and Parker do in Team America: World Police, a cinematic political satire, which debuts Friday.

Just like in real-life (though they won’t admit it), George Clooney, Matt Damon, Samuel L. Jackson, and other assorted idiotic Hollywoodites, are working with the terrorists.  In this film, they are literally working with the terrorists—led by Baldwin and North Korean Communist leader Kim Jong-Il—to destroy us.

Reminiscent of John Kerry, power-mad marionette versions of Baldwin and his fellow Hollywooders kvetch that the War on Terror has made the world hate us.  But the puppet-celebs hate us with equal vigor and work to stop Team America. 

Penn constantly spouts off about his trip to Iraq, last year. On a Peter Jennings (who strangely escapes Stone’s and Parker’s ire) broadcast, Penn fertilizes lyrical on Iraqi life before “Team America”: “They had rivers of chocolate,” and the children had “gumdrop smiles.”  Sounds more like the set of “Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

As members of the “Film Actors Guild”, they are all FAGs.

Mustard-stained Michael Moore is a homicide bomber, blowing himself to bits (after stuffing himself with hot dogs, while protesting the War on Terror)!

I think I’ve just found my new fave filmmakers. 

In the past, I’ve criticized Stone and Parker.  They created the absurd “That’s My Bush” for Comedy Central, planning to portray the Bush daughters as incestuous lesbian lovers.  But angry e-mails and phone calls appealed to the network’s better judgment, and the lesbian plot line was dropped.  Deservedly, the series failed and was cancelled after only a few episodes.

This time, Stone and Parker have chosen their targets with aplomb.

And they’ve redeemed themselves in other ways.  In a recent Rolling Stone interview, they ripped Sean “P. Diddy” Colmes’ “Vote or Die” campaign.  What P. Diddy really means is “Dummies Register to Vote Kerry or Die,” though those options might not be mutually exclusive.

Stone said he didn’t think uninformed people should be encouraged to go to the polls.  And I agree.  It’s only the liberals who want to register every Spicoli (that means you, Sean Penn) who can’t even decide the next place to pierce or tattoo, much less choose the next leader of the Free World.  Remember Bill Clinton’s  Motor Voter Bill?  It’s helped P. Diddy on his way to getting a Million Moron March into the booth to pull the lever.

Ads for “Team America” announce:  “The movie liberal Hollywood doesn’t want you to see.  Conservatives fear it.”

Wrong!  This conservative loved it.

If you are prudish, this movie is not for you.  (Among other things, “multi-positioned” marionette sex scenes narrowly avoided an NC-17 rating and would be X-rated with human actors.) 

But for the rest of us, this movie is hilarious.  The laughs are at the expense of UN weapons inspectors, liberal Hollywood elites, smarmy Broadway shows with silly social messages, Communist and Islamic terrorists, and yes, our government: 

  • Hans Blix, denied inspection access to Kim Jong Il’s palace, threatens to send a nasty letter from UN leaders.  Amused by this impotence, Kim Jong Il feeds Blix to his pet sharks.  How about adding Scott Ritter and Mohammed El-Baradei for dessert?
  • Janeane Garofalo, in a male voice, tells her fellow actors (FAGs) to read the newspaper and then present the information as their own opinions. 
  • “Team America’s” hero, Gary Johnston, is plucked to fight terror from Broadway where he is starring in an absurd musical about AIDS (“Lease:  The Musical”).  A noblesse-oblige audience in suits and pearls is moved to tears over a ludicrous song, with lyrics “AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, everyone’s dead.”  He’s “the perfect weapon” against terror, since he’s an actor who double-majored in theater and world languages at the University of Iowa.
  • In spying on terrorists in Egypt, Team America is pretty obtrusive.  They wear red, white, blue and silver uniforms.  The protagonist’s Middle Eastern disguise consists of black cotton-balls glued on his face.  That’s a dig at our government’s incompetent agents, inadequate human intelligence, and the obtrusive Sky Marshalls we’ve been reading about –with their stiff cheap suits on flights. 

Special-effects bonus:  Downtown Paris gets destroyed (ditto for an Egyptian Pyramid).  While Team America is fighting Islamic terrorists with WMDs, French men and women on Parisian streets are oblivious and clueless amidst the terror.  Art imitates life.

Stone and Parker get it right.  While they make fun of the government and how it conducts the War on Terror, their message is clear:  Regardless of our faults,  the terrorists are real bad guys, not us.  That’s something Hollywood and the left don’t get.  Stone and Parker have a field day with the self-hatred amongst that slice of so-called Americans.

“I’m sick of hearing actors talk about s–t they don’t know about," Stone says. "And we’ve been on the ‘bash Michael Moore’ bandwagon for a long time." “It’s fine and good for everyone to hate us (Americans) and think we’re (jerks), but there is a big difference between (jerks) and (psychos)” like Osama Bin Laden, Parker said. 

Finally somebody’s teaching Hollywood the difference.

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