August 19, 2013, - 5:30 pm

Yeah, Right: Helen Thomas a/k/a tHAMAS Told Relatives That JFK Tried to Kiss, Have Sex w Her

By Debbie Schlussel

File this under, “Yeah, Right, Times Infinity.”

The thing about funerals is that (except with some notable exceptions) people go overboard in beatifying and declaring the absolute sainthood of the newly departed. Like claims that the most handsome (in others’ view) and philandering of Presidents tried to make a play for Helen Thomas a/k/a Helen tHAMAS, Hezbollah’s and HAMAS’ homeliest cheerleader (and the competition for that gig is stiff while making men anything but).

JFK Probably Hit This . . .


Definitely Not That . . .


On Thursday, the world’s sexiest woman alive!, Jew-hatin’ Thomas, had her funeral. And a ton of people, from far-left self-hating Jew, Detroit News editor-in-chief and publisher Jonathan Wolman, to other noted urinalists and drama queens of self-indignance and hypocrisy, sang the praises of this lookalike of the doll from the “Saw” horror movies. Among the claims of Thomas’ niece, Suzanne Geha, is that President John F. Kennedy “dated” the fugly Thomas and made a pass at her.

Geha, a veteran TV reporter and anchor in Michigan, told personal stories about Thomas, including a new one about how she once dated future President John F. Kennedy before he was married. “He was too fresh,” Geha recalled Thomas saying about Kennedy.

“She didn’t like him as a date.”

For my readers under age 87, “fresh” is ye olde English for “he made a pass at her of some sort.” Uh-huh. Suuuuuuure, they went out on a date. Suuuure, he was “fresh” with her. Perhaps she got the fact that she was perpetually way too ripe ripe mixed up with “fresh.”

I mean, I know that Bill Clinton didn’t exactly choose lookers as his prey (see Hillary, Monica, Paula, etc.). But JFK . . . that’s a different story. This guy had his pick, from Marilyn Monroe to mobster chicks to Jackie. Helen Thomas is the square peg that doesn’t fit. To paraphrase the late Redd Foxx as Fred Sanford, “She fell off da ugly tree, and she done hit every branch.” Unlike in fairy tales, methinks Prez Kennedy knew that when you kiss a frog, it doesn’t turn into a prince (or princess). It’s still just an ugly frog. There’s a reason that–even though she eventually married–that black-hearted Hezbo/HAMAS-lover never reproduced. And thank Heaven for small favors.

Um, no, I don’t believe for a second that JFK tried to touch that thing called Helen Thomas.

But, as we know, just like her claims against the Jews and Israel, Helen tHAMAS liked to make up stories.

Helen tHAMAS Fashion Tip: If You’re Bleepin’ Ugly, Leopard Prints Don’t Make You Sexy . . .


THAT’S HOT (at least to HAMAS)

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26 Responses

LOLOL! I would believe it if it was “Filthy” Filner but not JFK.

Not that I revere JFK but he liked pretty women from what I can see.

Funniest lie of the day! 😛

Skunky on August 19, 2013 at 5:52 pm

We pretty much thought she was delusional. Now we are certain. I don’t believe JFK could ever get that drunk.

Kent on August 19, 2013 at 6:04 pm

JFK had at least some taste. Helen would not have been on the menu. Also, the idea that Helen Thomas had any virtue is beyond laughable.

Worry on August 19, 2013 at 6:04 pm

I can certainly understand Helen Thomas’s discomfort at JFK’s aggressive behavior. After all, her Islamic modesty was clearly offended.

Little Al on August 19, 2013 at 6:14 pm

Bill did get around, though. Denise Rich and Beth Ostrosky were pretty cute.

Little Al on August 19, 2013 at 6:17 pm

And I do think it’s possible that JFK dated her. Maybe not for looks, but possibly to get good press coverage (no pun intended).

Little Al on August 19, 2013 at 6:22 pm

“and the competition for that gig is stiff while making men anything but”

I don’t even think that an unfixed great Dane could perform for that hideous HAMAS hag even if you painted her back with gravy.

DS_ROCKS! on August 19, 2013 at 6:26 pm

This story should begin–“Did you hear the one about” and finish with a punch line.

lee of the lower case "l" on August 19, 2013 at 6:43 pm

She was ugly when she was young. She should have hooked up with Swartzenegger. He likes ugly women.

RT on August 19, 2013 at 6:51 pm

she dead

Frankz on August 19, 2013 at 7:01 pm

You are a despicable man. You cheat on your wife, you have your way with secretaries and interns. You not only bed down Hollywood starlets, you pawn them off to your brother before dumping them like yesterday’s trash. But even you, primal creep that you were, would never sully your sheets with the likes of Helen Thomas.

PS – In Dante’s Inferno the lowest level of Hell is reserved for traitors. Dante died before he knew of Helen Thomas

gmartinz on August 20, 2013 at 12:07 am

Got to be one of the funniest post ever, I can here JFK banging on his coffin screaming “That’s no true,” Helen Thomas was probably ugly as a baby and to say that JFK would even consider dropping trough for her is insanity.

MANGOG on August 20, 2013 at 12:47 am

Didn’t the Greeks launch a thousand ships for Helen? Or something……

Nir Leiu on August 20, 2013 at 1:27 am

She would have been “three-bagger.” One for her and two for you, in case one of yours falls off!

Bkat on August 20, 2013 at 8:30 am

If Hamas Helen had been the last woman on earth, I would have become a Monk. I would classify Helen Thomas as the “Anti-Viagra.”

Victoryman on August 20, 2013 at 8:35 am

ROFLMAO. You just made my day Debbie. In my wildest dreams I couldn’t imagine something like that happening. That would have probably soured him on women for life. Thanks.

Naomi R on August 20, 2013 at 9:13 am

Eww. Good LORD, look at that old pic of her with JFK! She was an old-and-busted hag even back then! If he was fresh it was probably by saying “do you have an attractive lady friends who are easy?”

Sean M on August 20, 2013 at 9:37 am

Come on Debbie, when did you start sourcing material from MAD Magazine?

BO: I’d say that you’re spot on that the Detroit Free Press, from which the material came, is as accurate as MAD Magazine. But then that would be an insult to MAD Magazine. DS

Barack Obama on August 20, 2013 at 10:13 am

Helen was as appetizing as a plate of cold moldy mashed potatoes. Kennedy would have stuck his penis in a car door and slammed the door before he would have stuck it to her.

Jonathan E. Grant on August 20, 2013 at 1:27 pm

And Geha(or he haw here in West Michigan)was no catch either. She disappeared off channel 8 some time ago with no explanation. Good riddance.

Jonathan Gartner on August 20, 2013 at 5:46 pm

I don’t think even Billy Boy Clinton would have gone for her even in her 20’s. She is past 2 bags ugly.

I once knew in the 1970’s a well-deocrated army combat veteran of the Vietnam War. He told me that he had met an officer who had been part of the White House staff under Kennedy. This officer told my friend that when Jackie would leave for the weekend or on a trip, a woman or sometimes several women were brought in through secret access tunnels to “meet” with JFK. Sometimes JFK would have 2 to 3 women a night. The women were told to keep their mouths shut (afterwards). The girls were apparently all young and very attractive. JFK was apparently a wham, bam, thank-you-ma’am kind of guy.

A book by a JFK intern was recently published, alleging that in effect JFK raped her (she was 19 and a virgin) and then later tried to have her perform sex acts with staff and friends.

Kennedy almost died of Addison’s Disease, which almost killed him twice. However, doctors discovered that cortisone alleviate many of the symptoms. The side effects of regular injections of cortison are muscle gain, darkening of the skin, and increased sexual drive and performance. Take a look at pictures of Kennedy in the mid 1950’s to what he looked like in 1959-1963 and you’ll see the difference. As for the sex drive, giving cortisone to a Kennedy male is like giving gasoline to a firebug.

Concerned Citizen on August 21, 2013 at 1:26 pm

You are pathetic. SHE IS DEAD. Get a life.

Prophet Muhammad on August 21, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    ”You are pathetic. SHE IS DEAD. Get a life.”

    Was that **meant** to be funny, or are you just a really dumb mohammedan ?

    By the way, being dead doesn’t make her any less ugly, or evil, as she was in life.

    Mirren on August 23, 2013 at 10:07 am

only words I can say to that accusation is YEAH RIGHT!!! I have read and seen the different woman Kennedy has been accused of having an affair with and I may not like his politics but at least he had taste. To even suggest that this Helen Thomas turned on Mr. Kennedy is laughable. I would not even think JFK would touch Helen if she was the last woman on earth. Some people and their delusions

Mario on August 21, 2013 at 6:02 pm

Marilyn Monroe and others were lucky to die at an early age while their beauty was still radiant. Helen Thomas was unlucky along with the rest of us not to pass away sooner.
As for her earlier beauty, who knows? Kennedy’s zipper opened at the sight of any woman. His brothers were proven to be on the same cloth.

Steve Gardality on September 7, 2013 at 11:03 am

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