March 28, 2014, - 6:37 am

Noahcide: “Noah” Movie is More Like “Game of Thrones” Than Bible; Better Title: “Not Noah”

By Debbie Schlussel

Hollywood committed Noahcide. They killed the Biblical story in favor of a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals*, soap opera, action film version of what bears little resemblance to the Bible version.


The new movie, “Noah,” in theaters today, would be better called a host of other things: “Game of Thrones Noah,” “The Noah-dashians,” “Dysfunctional Family Noah.” Or just plain, “NOT Noah.”

As a kid in a religious Jewish day school, I learned the Noah chapter of Genesis in its original Biblical Hebrew. And, so, I was confused when I screened this film earlier this week and saw something that directly contradicts what the Bible says in plain language about Noah and his family. Instead of G-d telling Noah to build an ark, take his sons and their wives, and enough pairs of animals to repopulate the world, I saw a genocidal, homicidal, action hero Noah (Russell Crowe) bent on destroying the human race and on a mission to murder his twin granddaughters whom his oldest son had with some random babymama Noah rescued as a child from a pillaged village, destroyed by non-vegetarians. He says “the Creator” wants all humans destroyed because they are bad, but not animals because only they are good. Huh?

Where the heck is this in the Bible? Nowhere.

I also watched various half love-scenes between Noah’s eldest son and the babymama and between Noah’s second son and some other chick whom Noah refuses to allow aboard the ark. Noah’s younger two sons are angry with him because they don’t have any women. But Noah tells them this is because G-d ordered him to destroy the human race and to murder any female grandchildren that are born. The younger two sons want, instead, to marry their two new twin nieces to continue the human race. Again, huh? The Bible makes clear that Noah’s three sons were married before (probably well before) the flood began and that they took their wives with them aboard the ark. And it makes clear that G-d did want the human race to continue with Noah’s descendants. Noah wasn’t a genocidal, homicidal, vegetarian maniac the way this movie claims he was or an action hero warrior on the order of “300.” In fact, the Bible says he was a righteous man who found favor in G-d’s eyes and who was, at the time, 500 years old.

The Bible says that G-d wanted to destroy most of humankind because they were evil and engaged in every bad thing imaginable. But, in this movie, the wicked are warriors who eat meat. Noah and his family are vegetarians who only eat plants. Noah tells his sons that the bad guys kill an animal and eat it because they don’t know that “their strength comes from the Creator.” Like I said, it’s the PETA Noah, not the real thing.

And that’s another problem with this movie. The name “G-d” or “Lord” is never once mentioned. It’s only “the Creator.” At first, I thought it was great that Noah recognizes a higher power, but the movie’s constant bizarre dream sequences of the snake and the apple and other stuff makes it soon appear that “the Creator” in this movie is like some sort of New Age solstice god. It’s weird.

And there’s Harry Potter stuff and science fiction, too, here. Methuselah, Noah’s grandfather (Anthony Hopkins), is some sort of wizard who can cast spells and do amazing magic. Huh #346,254. A giant plot point consists of science fiction-like, giant monsters made of stone and fire, who are fallen angels known as “the Watchers.” They protect Noah and his family and kill battling warriors opposed to Noah. Again, where is this in Genesis?

Also not in Genesis: Noah’s fight against a warrior nemesis who leads armored legions of men to fight against Noah in many action-packed sword fights and sequences. The nemesis sneaks onto the ark and plots with Noah’s middle son to murder Noah. Oh, and he tempts and gets Noah’s son to eat the forbidden cooked animal meat. Um, wasn’t the snake and the apple thing from Adam and Eve’s portion of the Bible? Just asking.

Since several scenes show Noah’s nemesis melting and burnishing metal into armor, axes, and swords, I was puzzled and asked a friend of mine if they had metal work at that time. My friend said he believed that Noah might have been in the Bronze Age. But, then, I asked my friend if Noah took place in the Skinny Jeans Age because his wife (Jennifer Connelly) wears some really cool skinny jeans that look like she just bought ’em from H&M or Forever 21. And I want a pair.

That’s the thing with this Non-Noah version of “Noah.” There’s nothing right about it. It looks like two uneducated Jews In Name Only–Darren Aronofsky and Ari Handel, who wrote this abominable crap–just slapped together a bunch of genres (action warrior, soap opera, science fiction) they see in modern films with the sexy costumes to match.

But the movie has almost absolutely no resemblance to the Noah you and I read in Genesis. On top of that, at nearly 2.5 hours long, it’s slow and boring. The real Noah story is a beautiful one that doesn’t need Hollywood “adornment”–and it would have been half as long.

Time for Aronofsky and Handel to go back to Hebrew school. They failed miserably.

“Noah” is NOT Noah.

* NOTE: On this site, we call PETA, “PUTAh” (People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals and humans) because we believe in truth in advertising.


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74 Responses

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