January 23, 2015, - 8:57 am

Wknd Box Office: The Boy Next Door, Mortdecai, Two Days, One Night

By Debbie Schlussel

Another abysmal set of choices in new movies debuting at theaters today.



* “The Boy Next Door“: Absolutely awful. Yet another in a long line of horrible movies starring J-Lo a/k/a Jennifer Lopez. This movie reportedly had a $4 million budget, and it looks like it. Lopez plays a high school teacher who has sex with a 20-year-old high school student who just moved in next door (he is 20 and still in high school because he took time off after his parents both died). The 20-year-old begins stalking, threatening, and blackmailing her because she won’t have a relationship with him. And he begins inserting himself into her life. Not only is the story absurd and the lines cheesier than a double cheeseburger, but the movie seems to make excuses for all of the female teachers who’ve had sex with their high school students. The movie seems to say that these teachers are the victims, that they are stalked and preyed upon by crazy male students. Incredibly stupid and high quality Gitmo torture material.


Watch the trailer . . .

* “Mortdecai“: This wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected, but it was still bad enough and kind of lame. Most of the humor wasn’t funny, but there were a few funny lines and moments. It stars the two self-hating Americans In Name Only (AINOs) and Europhiles Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow, both of them loathsome. In this movie, both get to be what they pretend to be in real life: pretentious, wealthy English people. The movie is in the style of the late ’60s and early ’70s Peter-Sellers-style madcap comedy, but doesn’t even come close. Most of the jokes are dopey and lame, along with the “plot.”

Depp is an English lord who is a scoundrel underworld art dealer, nearly broke and in debt to the tune of millions in taxes to the English government. An MI5 agent, known to Depp and his wife, Paltrow, enlists Depp to find a stolen painting on which the Nazis reportedly put the numbers to a Swiss bank account. Depp flies all over the world to try to get the painting and secure it away from a Syrian-trained terrorist and keep the terrorist from getting the money in the Swiss bank account. Accompanying Depp is his butler/bodyguard (Paul Bettany).

Believe me that my description makes this movie look much better than it is. I’m being very generous when I give it . . .


Watch the trailer . . .

* “Two Days, One Night [Deux Jours, Une Nuit]“: This French film with English subtitles takes place in Belgium. It’s your typical left-wing anti-business movie. 9/11 truther Marion Cotillard plays a woman who has been on sick leave from her working-class factory job, due to depression. While she was away, her employer realized it could get all of the necessary work done with 16 employees, rather than the usual 17 including her. And the plant foreman doesn’t like her.

When she seeks to return to work, the union has a vote between a large bonus or allowing Cotillard to get her job back. Most employees vote for the bonus. But Cotillard’s employer allows a second vote, and with the encouragement of her devoted husband, Cotillard visits her fellow employees over the weekend to try to convince them to vote for her to keep her job instead of them getting the bonus. Throughout, she’s tearful, whiny, and popping pills.

Not only is it depressing, but it’s your typical anti-capitalist, anti-free-market movie depicting the narrative of “evil” businesses pitting poor working-class employees against each other in order to try to fight for their jobs. And the movie is slow and boring, to boot. No way I’d pay to see this.


Watch the trailer . . .

18 Responses

OHHHHHH!!! What a pretty picture!!!

Two people I despise, even at the sight of them, playing two despicable people. Wow, thanks Debbie, especially for that WONDERFUL picture. Almost made me choke on the joint and spit coffee out of my nose.

Excuse me while I go vomit. Thanks again, Debbie. I love you, too.


Alfredo from Puerto Rico on January 23, 2015 at 10:10 am

Almost forgot, I was so nauseatingly hypnotized at that picture of Paltrow and Depp. I despise Ms. Dopez, too. A complete, self aggrandizing, fame seeking phony. I have no problem with anyone seeking fortune. It’s the fame part I can’t get past. Those people all make asses out of themselves.

Alfredo from Puerto Rico on January 23, 2015 at 10:13 am

Too bad JLo can’t get the same producers that put together her “music” put together a movie for her. I was wondering why I had been inundated with her image lately when the Prole skankerrhea is forced on me. Go away JLo…even your very ugly BF (who likes transvestites…just like Eddie Murphy & Hank Baskett) is tired of you!

Johnny Depp is the annoying NOTHING that pseudo hipsters are still trying force upon us. I never swallowed that swill. Wish he’d take JLo with him to France and get lost in a Moooooslim hell-hole section but he’s still thinking he can turn a Lesbo into a “bisexual” (we all know you’re either this or that…and his GF likes tacos and not hotdogs if you know what I mean (and I think you do…)

Oh, and I got so annoyed by the “talent” I failed to mention the BIG problem of FEMALE teachers having sex with young kids. The British papers report it but the Yank papers ignore it. I highlight the issue on my twitters w/a hashtag #FemalePredators if you don’t believe me. It’s a sick situation and these females should NOT be given a pass. It’s a problem not given it’s due because nutter pervos think it’s “sexy” when a chick teacher has sex with a male student. I don’t. Sickness is sickness. And look at Hollywood trying to pervert the issue & make it “sexy” and put the onus on the male!

Skunky on January 23, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Skunky, I always thought her marriage to backup dancer Cris Judd was a bought and paid for publicity stunt so she could save face. I think the same thing of this Casper Smart guy. She can hold hands with whomever she wants, but I think both of these men are actually gay.

    It reminds me of Ed Koch and Bess Myerson. Nobody was fooled by that, and J-Ho is not fooling anyone but herself. She oozes ego out of the pores on the bottom of her feet. To think the media never used the word “hubris” until the previous administration. She’s the height of hubris.

    I actually lived a few blocks away from her when she was a little girl, one of those trivia thingys I found out many years later after she became giga-famous. Or is it tera-famous at this point?

    Alfredo from Puerto Rico on January 24, 2015 at 12:48 pm

Yes, another left-wing myth that has made its way into conventional wisdom.

Whenever there is conflict among workers, it is always instigated by the evil businessmen or capitalists. It is never because of the greed and self-centeredness of the workers themselves.

Little Al on January 23, 2015 at 11:47 am

    And on what planet can you get a nice long sabbatical from work for being depressed? Oh yeah, France. Of course, in this country we have laws about medical disabilities that would prevent a business owner from eliminating the job of a person on a medical disability.

    MIGirl on January 24, 2015 at 10:14 am

      The old term was ‘featherbedding’. Of course now, with the ever-expanding definitions of medical disability and depression, we are moving towards lifetime welfare, er uh, I mean employment. I’m not even sure why jobs have to be held open for pregnancy.

      Little Al on January 24, 2015 at 3:05 pm

      Just what I was thinking. We just had two deaths in my family within the last 7 days. Sure we took a day or two to grieve and bury our loved ones, but life goes on. You still have to work, pay the bills, eat.

      John the infidel on January 26, 2015 at 11:05 am

The boy next door is going to be epic, can’t wait to watch it.

Abital Deng on January 23, 2015 at 1:28 pm

A Reagan is a positive sign. Don’t be generous to vermin, Debbie. They will not love you for it. This movie is an Osama and an Obama.

Riff-Trax did a great riff of “Duck and Cover” last week. Remember to always be ready for the nuclear flash, kids!

Occam's Tool on January 23, 2015 at 1:55 pm

Tonight, my wife and I are going to sit down to a Lash LaRue Horror film. Lash actually WAS a bullwhip expert in real life. He was also a good decent Christian fellow and all around good guy.

The daughter will make me a bowl of popcorn, perfectly air popped and then salted and buttered as she knows her Daddy likes best because she is the world’s best little girl.

Once again, Debbie goes through Hades so I can avoid garbage.

(But Debbie, when you get tired of all this, watch Riff-Trax’s “Zlateh, the Goat,” the first of their Chanukah specials, and have a good laugh. Mike Nelson, the head writer, is a born again Christian, and this film is NOT at all insulting to Jews—except for the fact that someone butchered a perfectly good Singer short story and turned it into this short film, of course.

Apparently somone thought the short story had a fixation about children drinking fresh goat milk. In a snow storm. In a haystack. Somehow, I doubt that was the real point of the story. But I digress…obviously the point of the short story was endless descriptions of goats and a small boy walking through a snowstorm.)

Occam's Tool on January 23, 2015 at 7:03 pm

So Mortdecai is a remake of “The 9th Gate” (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0142688/?ref_=nv_sr_6) only not as funny?

mark on January 23, 2015 at 8:28 pm

By the time I got home, too tired and mentally burnt to stay awake for the Lashman…however, will try again tonight.

Occam's Tool on January 24, 2015 at 6:05 pm

Debbie, I agree with you that The Boy Next Door is justifying the rampant headlines of older female teachers having sex with under 18 year old boys. When I read your that the boy “took time off” and returned to high as a 20 year old, I said, “Yeah, right!” This boy may just MAY have been allowed to go to continual high school but more likely gone to an adult school for a GED. It seems J-Lo wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to come off as a sexy cougar and have the sex with a young man yet still come as a victim by painting the guy as an unstable stalker type.

I could see the feminharpies shrill had this story line been adopted to a an older male teacher instead. However women taking advantage young males is not only alright but even beneficial since many fools will excuse this behavior with “any young guy would not mind having sex with a hot teacher” thinking.

Mario on January 24, 2015 at 10:57 pm

“Gitmo torture material”.

Heh, heh…

chuck lowe on January 25, 2015 at 9:38 am

More trash coming from Hollywood. BOYCOTT Hollywood as the left took over the movies. Why pay to be offended or disappointed by a dumb storyline, unattractive actors and Hollywood putting in leftist ideas and making it look normal. I watched “The Oklahoma Kid” 1939 on Turner the other day. It starred Bogart, Cagney, Priscilla Lane and Donald Crisp. What a great movie, good values, good morals, romance, well written and showed strong males not like the sissies in the current movies. Also this movie had no profanity or bathroom humor. It did not need it.

Fred on January 25, 2015 at 8:54 pm

I must say I really enjoyed Mortdecai – but then I am a fan of Johnny Depp, Ewan McGregor and Paul Bettany so it was a triple plus for me. 😀

I know Johnny and Gwyneth Paltrow both enjoy the UK and Europe, and they’ve both made disapproving comments about the US in the past… but surely that doesn’t make them America Haters? Johnny still lives there part of the year, as do his children, since he wants them to grow up aware of and proud of the American aspect of their heritage.

Alison on January 26, 2015 at 6:32 am

My girlfriend & her friends went to see it. They like those romantic comedies and whimsical feel good type flicks. They didn’t like this stinker though. J Lo should just lay low, or just GO!

MuzzCrusher on January 26, 2015 at 10:19 am

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