By Debbie Schlussel

For those who missed my online movie reviews, you can hear my movie reviews most Fridays on “The Larry The Cable Guy Show” at around 10:35 a.m. Eastern on SiriusXM’s Jeff and Larry’s Comedy Roundup Channel 97 and every Friday on the Richard Dixon Show on Birmingham, AL’s Talk 99.5 at 12:30 p.m. Eastern.

We are at just about the mid-point of the summer movies–which are supposed to be the biggest and best of the year (though a few are saved for Thanksgiving and Christmas). And I have hated most movies I’ve seen, so there’s really nothing to write about. I sat through a whole lotta crap. I did like “Solo” and “Uncle Drew” and a few others. I’ll have to post some reviews. This weekend’s offerings weren’t that great.

* Skyscraper – Rated PG-13: This movie is mildly (veeeery mildly) entertaining, but mostly ridiculous. When you watch Tom Cruise in a Mission Impossible movie, you can suspend disbelief and believe many of his stunts. In this movie, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s stunts – not believable at all. Not even close. The guy jumps in the air at a skyscraper the height of three Empire State Buildings and never dies. And his character only has one leg. Sorry, not buyin’ it. Nope. And this happens repeatedly in this.

Then, there is the silly plot. Johnson plays a military veteran, who was also a hostage negotiator and lost his leg when a bomb went off. Now, it is years later, and he is a security consultant for skyscrapers. This is a thing? He is in what I think is Hong Kong, living in the aforementioned world’s tallest skyscraper with his wife, Neve Campbell, and their two kids. He’s there to provide advice to the Asian billionaire who built the place and has his own home and offices in the building.

But terrorists strike in order to hurt the Asian billionaire’s reputation and destroy him. And they set off a firebomb, which traps Johnson’s family on a very high floor. Also, the terrorists frame Johnson for the crime. Most of the rest of the movie is spent with Johnson playing action hero and getting into the building to save the day and his family. The movie tired me out because, while it movies very slowly for a good portion of the film, then it is one stunt after another after another after another in quick succession. And like I said, absolutely none of these stunts are believable. It’s also hard to believe the multiple scenes in which various characters keep nearly falling off or being thrown off the edge of the building. At that height in the air (the building is over 200 floors), there is no way they would regain their balance. They would definitely fall off.

Then, there is the utter predictability of it all. There are no surprises here. You know what is going to happen. This is paint-by-numbers, formulaic stuff. And that makes it kind of boring. Cute, brave, tough kids . . . check. Beautiful (but not too much), loving wife who is also tough and brave. . . check. Evil villains who want to kill them all . . . check. Giant, muscular hero who saves the day after much travail and then triumph . . . check, check, check.

Like I said, it’s only mildly entertaining. But there’s nothing objectionable . . . unless you count the perpetual annoyance from Hollywood these days: that the terrorists are never Muslim. In this, they are a combo of Americans and Asians, and it’s never really clear why exactly they are doing this.

In real life, we know the usual reason: jihad in the name of Islam.

HALF A REAGAN

Watch the trailer . . .

* Sorry to Bother You – Rated R: I hate-hate-hated this. It’s your typical race-baiting, anti-capitalist, the-whole-world-is-oppressing-the-Black-man BS. Soooo damn tired of this kind of crap. It’s old, hackneyed, and yawn-worthy. Whatta bore. Total bleeping waste of time.

On top of that, the movie is very quirky. Overly so. It relies on a ton of silly devices to keep you interested, all to make up for a stupid plot (if you can call it that) and an incredibly weak script. Promotional interviews with stars of this movie mostly include discussion of a “crazy plot twist.” Um, so crazy it’s not believable. Not even close. I’m tempted to give it away. Okay . . . . 3-2-1 *** SPOILER ALERT ***: Horsemen. Okay, you won’t know what that means, but trust me. it’s not worth seeing this to find out. I mean, it is so ridiculous as to boggle the mind. Would have been a better plot point to use robots.

So what am I talking about? Well, here’s the storyline of this cinematic screed: a poor Black guy living in his uncle’s (Terry Crews) garage is desperate for a job. He BSes his way into a thankless, commission-based telemarketing job, which goes nowhere for him . . . until another employee (Marxist Danny Glover) tells him he needs to use his “inner White voice.” Suddenly, using a cartoonish “White voice,” the formerly poor Black guy is rolling in money and gets promoted to another floor in the building, where he is selling multi-million dollar contracts for a contract labor staffing company that abuses its employees, signs them for life, and treats them like slaves. Soon, his former co-workers at the lower floor of the telemarketing company are protesting that they don’t have a living wage, and they are mad at him for betraying them. (It’s never explained by Danny Glover doesn’t also use his “inner White voice” and also succeed. He’s with the protesters.)

Ultimately, our protagonist meets the CEO of the contract staffing company for whom he’s selling contracts, and the CEO is a crass, craven, nutty Armie Hammer. I guess I’m the only person who saw the irony in that, since in real life, Hammer is the rich, privileged grandson and heir to Marxist capitalist late CEO Armand Hammer (a close friend of the Soviet Union and an egregious critic of Ronald Reagan and his efforts to bring down Communism and its slave labor forces). Funny, I don’t see Hammer giving up his inheritance (all gotten from capitalist efforts) so he would have to work as a waiter (like most actors have to at the beginning of their careers). Hypocrite much?

In any event, the plot of this movie gets so dumb and is so unsubtle in its message that the movie is not entertaining, and it’s not worth seeing. On top of that, it’s slow-moving, and so propaganda-laden that it hits you over the head repeatedly with leftist dogma.

Um, no thanks, bitches.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS PLUS THREE MICHELLE LAVAUGHN ROBINSON HUSSEIN OBAMA IDI AMIN DADAS PLUS TWO ISIS BEHEADINGS PLUS TWO AL SHARPTONS PLUS TWO JESSE JACKSONS PLUS ONE COLIN KAPERNICK

Watch the trailer . . .