February 12, 2010, - 1:58 pm
Nothing that exciting at the box office, this weekend. In fact, the new movies released today range from snooze-fest to bleechhh.
* “The Wolfman“: Nothing objectionable about this movie in which men turn into wolves upon sight of the full moon (not sure if this qualifies them as werewolves, but I think it does). It’s just that it wasn’t exciting. I found it very boring–sooo boring I struggled to stay awake and lost the battle–and old hat. Been there, seen that. It wasn’t scary, though it had the expected blood, violence, and far more graphic guts and limb dismemberment than I needed to see. I laughed when two characters, relatives, turn into wolfmen and fight each other. It was just comical, unintentionally so.
Sir Anthony Hopkins plays a wealthy Brit, whose son is missing and later found after being killed by a beast in the woods. His other son, Benicio Del Toro–estranged from his family and living in America–happens to be on tour in London as an actor. He receives a letter from his late brother’s fiancee (Emily Blunt), still looking for his brother. Once he returns to the manor, he is informed of his brother’s death. One night, he is out in the woods and in a gypsy camp, searching for what killed his brother. He gets bitten by a wolf beast, and soon turns into one.
The message is that even the best of men can be the wildest and most harmful of beast when the nocturnal forces of nature wield their power. I didn’t need the message or the movie, and I struggled to stay awake amidst the action. At not even two hours, I found the movie slow and essentially a 1/2 hour movie with a ton of fluff–like flashback scenes of little boys running around an English estate–thrown in to make it a feature-length flick. This movie sat on a shelf for about two years for a reason.
* “Valentine’s Day“: Probably worse than its initials (VD), but best referred to by them. Just like the saccharin faux-holiday of the same name, I hated this painful viewing experience. HELP! It’s like I was sentenced to hell, and instead of heat, the punishment was watching an endless loop of “Love Boat” episodes, minus Isaac, Gopher, Doc, Julie, and the Captain. This movie was that bad and worse. If Barack Obama does the right thing and keeps Guantanamo Bay open, this is perfect torture material. I think I’d prefer waterboarding. I wanted to walk out so badly, you have no idea. Guys, if your girlfriend or wife wants to drag you to this, kill yourself.
Brother of LaVerne a/k/a Gary Marshall directs something like 21 celebrities in a horrible set of intertwining stories that are supposed to be romantic, but are just stupid. Two words: Ashton Kutcher. Translation: Skip at all cost. He plays a sensitive man who is a florist and wears pink. Anne Hathaway plays a phone sex operator. Among others in this utter waste of time: Jennifer Garner, looking particularly Sarah Jess-EQUINE Parkerish, if ya know what I mean. I was looking for the Adam’s apple. Plus, the movie has Taylor Swift (ET with blonde hair) and Queen Latifah. Check, please. Oh, and the acting was atrocious.
I cannot stress enough how awful and unbearable this movie is. Total garbage.
* “Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief“: Nothing wrong with this movie, but it was just too long, had too much in it, and I found myself bored amidst a ton of action. That said, it’s fine for kids (though some young kids might be scared–Medusa is beheaded and the main characters in the movie carry around her snaky head to use to make monsters turn to stone).
This movie is based on a series of books for young teens by author Rick Riordan, and is supposed to be “the next Harry Potter.” We’ll see. A young boy, Percy Jackson (which sounds like the name of a Black Olympian track star from the ’60s, but is actually the name of a White teen high school student who has dyslexia and ADHD), discovers that he has certain powers and is the half-human, half-god child of a Greek god and a human. He learns to become a fighter and is searching for a lightning bolt he is accused of stealing, so that he can maintain the order of the earth, while his father and Greek god uncles are feuding.
I interviewed the main actors in this movie when they recently came to Detroit, and, for the most part, they didn’t really have anything exciting or interesting to say. The only one who sparkled was the guy who sparkles in the movie, Brandon J. Jackson–who plays a satyr, and the protector of Percy Jackson. A Detroit comedian and the son of pastor and minister parents, he’s funny and going places. He’s the life of the party, so much as there is a “party” here.
There was sooooo much in this movie. Jackson and the other demi-gods travel across America looking for the lightning bolt and trying to keep the peace, while fighting off monsters, evil forces like Medusa and her snake hair. It had a good message, but it was just packed too much and could have been shorter. Kids will like it, especially boys.
Tags: Anne Hathaway, Anthony Hopkins, Ashton Kutcher, Benicio Del Toro, Brandon T. Jackson, Emily Blunt, Gary Marshall, Jennifer Garner, Love Boat, Movie Reviews, Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, Queen Latifah, Taylor Swift, The Wolfman, Valentine's Day, VD, Wolfman