April 23, 2010, - 4:57 pm
It’s another stay-home-from-the-theater-you’ll-thank-me weekend. Both new movies at the box office stank. But if you must go, see “The Losers,” which is waaaay better than the execrable “The Back-Up Plan,” which you must skip at any cost.
* “The Back-Up Plan“: To say that I hate-hate-hated this movie would be an understatement. One of the most painfully annoying and horrible movies I’ve seen in recent months. It’s only April, but I can confidently say that this will make my year’s top 10 worst movies. It was that bad. And, yes, it was a chick flick to boot. But that’s not what made it painful.
It was the uncomfortable, Oprah-like vagina jokes (none of which–like the rest of the movie–was funny), the two scenes of human fecal material, the awful New Age childbirth in a kiddie pool party for feminists, etc., etc., etc. ad nauseam. And I really do mean nauseam and nauseous. And it wasn’t funny. The dopey jokes, the stupid, annoying melodrama, the yelling, screaming, and crying–all of this made me want to run out of the theater and do laundry. Anything but this. Ditto for Jennifer Lopez’s use of her babytalk voice throughout the movie. Shut up.
Oh, and I almost forgot the scintillating dialogue, like this line:
You do what you have to do when you don’t have a penis partner.
The “story”: a woman (Lopez) wants to have a baby and doesn’t have a man. So she gets artificially inseminated, gets pregnant, and joins a weird, annoying group for single mothers. But then she meets the man of her dreams. The movie continues on with tons of stupid fights, much yelling and screaming, the obligatory sex scenes, two shots of human fecal, and the happy ending where everything works out. Who cares? I couldn’t take this piece of garbage, which was dumb beyond belief.
Here’s a great back-up plan: skip this and rent something.
Skip at all cost. Guys especially. You’ll thank me.
Watch the trailer . . .
* “The Losers“: This movie is based on a comic book, but there aren’t any superheroes in it. Instead, there is a whole lot of boring. I’ve rarely seen a movie with so much action and gun fighting, that was soooo boooring. I fell asleep 2-3 times and missed nothing. There were cool fights and action scenes, but it was mostly stupid and overwrought when it tried to be serious. A complete waste of time. And that’s not to mention that it’s pretty much “The A-Team” lite. As in it’s lite squared.
The story: a group of military special forces guys are sent into the jungle for an operation. Their mission is to destroy the base of a crime lord. But they find children there and try to rescue them before the base is blown up. When they reach the helicopter, there is not enough room for everyone, the kids go in the helicopter, and then the man they are working for blows up the helicopter. They are assumed dead and spend the rest of the movie trying to find “Max,” the man who tried to kill them and ruined their lives. It was so boring, so slow, so little story, so much nothing, with fight scenes between Zoe Saldana and one of the others, to try to make it interesting. Doesn’t work.
If you shell out ten bucks and two hours to see this, you really are a loser. Skipworthy for sure.
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Back-Up Plan, Debbie Schlussel, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Losers, Movie Reviews, The Back-Up Plan, The Losers, Zoe Saldana