April 23, 2010, - 4:57 pm

Weekend Box Office: “The Back-Up Plan,” “The Losers”

By Debbie Schlussel

It’s another stay-home-from-the-theater-you’ll-thank-me weekend.  Both new movies at the box office stank.  But if you must go, see “The Losers,” which is waaaay better than the execrable “The Back-Up Plan,” which you must skip at any cost.

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*  “The Back-Up Plan“:  To say that I hate-hate-hated this movie would be an understatement.  One of the most painfully annoying and horrible movies I’ve seen in recent months.  It’s only April, but I can confidently say that this will make my year’s top 10 worst movies.  It was that bad.  And, yes, it was a chick flick to boot.  But that’s not what made it painful.

It was the uncomfortable, Oprah-like vagina jokes (none of which–like the rest of the movie–was funny), the two scenes of human fecal material,  the awful New Age childbirth in a kiddie pool party for feminists, etc., etc., etc. ad nauseam.  And I really do mean nauseam and nauseous. And it wasn’t funny. The dopey jokes, the stupid, annoying melodrama, the yelling, screaming, and crying–all of this made me want to run out of the theater and do laundry. Anything but this. Ditto for Jennifer Lopez’s use of her babytalk voice throughout the movie. Shut up.

Oh, and I almost forgot the scintillating dialogue, like this line:

You do what you have to do when you don’t have a penis partner.

Oy.

The “story”: a woman (Lopez) wants to have a baby and doesn’t have a man. So she gets artificially inseminated, gets pregnant, and joins a weird, annoying group for single mothers. But then she meets the man of her dreams. The movie continues on with tons of stupid fights, much yelling and screaming, the obligatory sex scenes, two shots of human fecal, and the happy ending where everything works out. Who cares? I couldn’t take this piece of garbage, which was dumb beyond belief.

Here’s a great back-up plan: skip this and rent something.

Skip at all cost. Guys especially. You’ll thank me.

FOUR MARXES
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Watch the trailer . . .

* “The Losers“: This movie is based on a comic book, but there aren’t any superheroes in it. Instead, there is a whole lot of boring. I’ve rarely seen a movie with so much action and gun fighting, that was soooo boooring. I fell asleep 2-3 times and missed nothing. There were cool fights and action scenes, but it was mostly stupid and overwrought when it tried to be serious. A complete waste of time.  And that’s not to mention that it’s pretty much “The A-Team” lite.  As in it’s lite squared.

The story: a group of military special forces guys are sent into the jungle for an operation. Their mission is to destroy the base of a crime lord. But they find children there and try to rescue them before the base is blown up. When they reach the helicopter, there is not enough room for everyone, the kids go in the helicopter, and then the man they are working for blows up the helicopter. They are assumed dead and spend the rest of the movie trying to find “Max,” the man who tried to kill them and ruined their lives. It was so boring, so slow, so little story, so much nothing, with fight scenes between Zoe Saldana and one of the others, to try to make it interesting. Doesn’t work.

If you shell out ten bucks and two hours to see this, you really are a loser. Skipworthy for sure.

ONE-HALF MARX
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Watch the trailer . . .

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24 Responses

I just assume that any movie with Jennifer Lopez in it is going to be painful.

John on April 23, 2010 at 5:30 pm

The NY Times, NY Post and NY Daily News all HATED this movie. Someone at the studio must have noticed what a piece of dreck this is and I’m sure that it had to cost a lot to make, so what gives? Why do they keep grinding out this garbage?

Davida on April 23, 2010 at 5:47 pm

As to why studios would make dreck like “The Back-Up Plan”: Simple. Anything to attack the family, devalue marriage, and glorify the ’60’s hippie “anything goes” ethos. Back when the studios were run by people who cared more about entertaining the public than pushing an agenda, trash like “The Back-Up Plan” would end up IN the trash (i.e. cutting room floor) and not even be considered for release.

ConcernedPatriot on April 23, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    “Back when the studios were run by people who cared more about entertaining the public than pushing an agenda,”

    When was this?

    Pete Bone on April 24, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Don’t see any movie that is clearly a diversity-driven, cliche-ridden, awful mess of a stereotype fecal script in a cesspool of bad actors. Clue One; Jennifer Lopez lands GQ Anglo who is into her La raza lifestyle. Clue 2 Hollywood was involved.

Defirmative Action Movies on April 23, 2010 at 6:35 pm

They also ripped off Dr. Strangelove – the sperm donor profile is CRM-1014 – a lame reference to the CRM-114 discriminator.

Yes, Back to the Future did it too.

Major Kong on April 23, 2010 at 6:45 pm

Ya gotta hand it to J-Blow for one thing, Deb. She shares your opinion of Palin!

spiffo on April 23, 2010 at 9:40 pm

Disney’s Oceans came out today. It was dazzling and wonderful until a “green” subplot emerged half way through. (Everyone knows Disney is watermelon king.)

Back-Up Plan was complete trash (for the reasons you mentioned, as the vagina jokes)–as well as flatly boring. Nothing clever, nothing funny happens. Add to that the main liberal concept of the film which nonchalantly accepts the reasonableness of just deciding to become a single parent a la Murphy Brown. And you’re right that men will hate this movie even more than women. Romantic comedies are really, really bad lately. Your comment about the “scintillating dialogue” made me smile (ruefully). I know what you mean. Two hours of blah.

I saw The Losers and didn’t like it. Like you, I can enjoy a good action film, and I don’t mind loud noise and explosions, but this movie had nothing. The characters were interchangeable and the plot nonsensical. They all tried for smug coolness like the Ocean’s Eleven gang, but with no special charisma. There were no particular conservative values portrayed–just a lot of things getting blown up with the CIA once again the enemy.

Also saw La Mission (starring Benjamin Bratt) which also came out today. It covered all liberal bases: accept your son being gay or you will suffer horribly; college will save everyone; war in Iraq is bad (because soldiers were monsters); celebrating ethnic diversity is enlightened; and finally let’s all be a large, caring, urban community. Set in Mecca (i.e., San Francisco).

Burke on April 23, 2010 at 9:40 pm

One of the guys in The Losers was wearing a Che shirt at one point. And I’m not completely sure, but I think he might have also been wearing a keffiyeh for a short while.

Sync on April 23, 2010 at 10:15 pm

I just got back from “The Back-up Plan” with my friends we thought it was funny. I can understand why you didn’t like it. I felt the movie poked fun at feminism and intenional single parenthood which I also oppose. Those feminists seemed like typical WNBA fans to me HAHA! I feel that it was a good comeback movie for Jennifer Lopez too.

M: True, it did make fun of feminists and single motherhood militants. But I still couldn’t take it. The drama, the dumb jokes, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseam. DS

Matthew on April 24, 2010 at 2:13 am

it pained me just to read your review of The Back-up Plan. I felt your pain. writing this in fact is summoning the nausea. my only question: why on earth did you pay to see it? I could have told you just from the representation in the ad you posted. it’s somewhat of a sixth sense perhaps. it’s like being able to tell whether the food in a restaurant will be good or not. you gotta read the clues and apply the same discretion.

DB: I do not pay to see movies. I am a professional movie critic who attends free movie screenings for critics. DS

Daniela Boata on April 24, 2010 at 10:11 am

    A minor point but…
    DS is a movie reviewer not a critic.

    A critic has studied film and film history and based their criticism, ideally, objectively on films based on this knowledge.

    A reviewer tells you what he or she though of a film based on their personal experience.

    Not knocking either one, they both have a valuable place.

    Pete Bone on April 26, 2010 at 2:17 am

I just want to salute you, Debbie, for sitting through movies like Yhe Back-up Plan. You know going in that it’s going to stink on ice, and yet you bravely face the dreck every week. Hats off to you, mi’lady.

Matt Frost on April 24, 2010 at 2:02 pm

Has Jennifer Lopez ever been in a good movie or put out any decent music?

Jennifer Lopez is one of the ones on my list that I skip as soon as I see her name. Same for Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Robin Williams, Julia Roberts, and a few others of that ilk.

Thanks for The Losers review. I was thinking of seeing it but probably won’t now.

Frankly, I’m glad it’s summer with other things to do as there is not one single decent movie showing right now.

Jeff W. on April 24, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Let’s make this BIG folks!!!! May 20th. Google it. Save the Right to Free Speech.

Everybody Draw Mohammed Day! on April 24, 2010 at 6:30 pm

Definitely won’t see either movie, but there’s at least one reason J-Lo gets acting roles – she has almost always looked hot, hot, hot.

Jarhead on April 25, 2010 at 1:28 pm

After Debbie’s torching review I was curious and went to look at all the reviews on RottenTomatoes. I found it to be (predictably) depressing how much “freedom of speech” and expression are curtailed in our society. Many male reviewers couldn’t stand it. They used words like “stinks” and “waste of time”, etc… But, none of them used words like “anti-male” or “feminist” or “agenda”. Female critic freely use words like “misogynistic”, sexist, patriarchy, etc… when they feel it applies to a movie’s description. It’s a sad state of affairs indeed. EVERYONE should be able to express his or her ideals.

ActaNonVerba on April 25, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Selena was a good movie. I don’t know where Constance Marie’s politics are but I would put her toe to toe with JLo in the looks and bum department.

Pinandpuller on April 26, 2010 at 2:00 am

All these stupid projects get a green light and I can’t even pitch a script! JEEZ!

ward on April 26, 2010 at 11:13 am

I don’t think you need to worry about guys going to see “The Back Up Plan” unless their significant other drags them to the movie theatre.

UNFORTUNATELY, I had to bear witness to a trainwreck of a movie she did several years ago called “Maid in Manhatten”.

As much as I dislike this genre of movie, apparently Hollywood is making Dinero hand over fist with these cheesy types of flicks.

Just wait, another couple of weeks Sex & The City II will be out.

trewsdetroit on April 30, 2010 at 11:53 am

typo s/b Manhattan not Manhatten

trewsdetroit on April 30, 2010 at 11:55 am

Hey Debbie, why didn’t you review “How to Train Your Dragon”? It’s a really excellent film.

Jack on May 3, 2010 at 9:13 pm

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