October 17, 2006, - 12:00 pm
By Debbie Schlussel
I get e-mails from all over the country cheering on the Detroit Tigers in the World Series. And being a native Detroiter, I’m supposed to be in agreement with them.
Hate to sound like a party-pooper, but, if anything, the Tigers in the World Series means that for over a week, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents in Michigan (and from as far away as Southern Ohio) will be pulled off the already strained job of investigating and arresting illegal aliens.
Instead, as happened during last year’s All-Star Game and this year’s Superbowl, ICE agents will be acting as Major League Baseball’s personal, overzealous trademark police. Their boss, Michigan/Ohio ICE Special Agent in Charge Brian Moskowitz a/k/a “Abu Moskowitz” will give them a handbook full of phrases, like “Detroit Baseball,” that should be undebatably in the public domain and whose use should be unfettered free speech. The agents, costumed as frat boys, will go all over the areas near Comerica Park a/k/a Taxpayer Park, harassing salesman–mostly Black–from trying to make an honest buck selling t-shirts and hats.
Not a single arrest will be made, not a single illegal alien caught, not a single tie to terrorist money-laundering uncovered. But what there will be is a lot of press for Abu Moskowitz and even his boss, that girl from the mall–Julie L. Myers a/k/a “The ICE Princess.” They will get their mugs all over ESPN.com, the pandering Detroit papers, and even watch for The ICE Princess to try to use this to get on FOX Sports Net. Finally, we have a candidate for “Worst Damn Sports Show Period.”
We’ll hear a lot of pap about how harassing these salespeople selling cheap t-shirts is counterterrorism, and how taking their shirts away will make us safer. Don’t believe the hype. We’ve seen it before. Abu M’s salivation over being on the pages of ESPN’s site, etc. It’s the same re-run, over and over again, with each different major sporting event that comes to town. We’ll probably even see a special ICE World Series pin, also paid for with your tax dollars . . . and improperly acquired World Series booty handed out to ICE agents, too.
Well, it won’t make us any safer. But World Series week is the week for illegal alien smugglers at the Michigan/Canada entry points to do their work unfettered. What will be safer will be the profits of gazillionaires like Detroit Tigers owner Mike Ilitch and the other mega-moolahed bunch of team owners. Major League Baseball Properties will be safe from terrorism (the terrorism of these harmless street vendors) come this World Series.
I’m glad that near-billionaire Ilitch will be able to afford more Grecian Formula for his toupee, courtesy of the ICE agents protecting his strange new ownership of such phrases as “Detroit Baseball,” “Hockeytown,” “D,” and other assorted letters and phrases that have been in the English alphabet and lexicon for at least decades. The way I saw him grabbing up the on-sale Grecian at a local drugstore, you’d think he, not the t-shirt vendors, needed to scrounge and scrape to eke out a life.
Outfielder Maglio Ordonez and Pitcher Kenny Rogers stand to make millions in endorsement deals, just by being in the World Series. They won’t pay a dime to guard the use of their names and images, though. Instead, you’ll be paying ICE agents–who should be going after illegal aliens–to do it. Gee, I wonder why this important national security task is not highlighted in the new ICE recruitment video.
Thanks, Abu Moskowitz. Thanks, The ICE Princess. We are now safe from t-shirts and hats invading the country with nefarious purposes. I feel so much better now. And by the way, get a new playbook. The old one you’re still using is far too predictable.
Here’s what the DebbieSchlussel.com World Series T-shirt would look like. Wonder if it would get confiscated by ICE:
Tags: Canada, Comerica Park a/k/a Taxpayer Park, Debbie Schlussel, Detroit, Detroit Tigers, Grecian Formula, Julie L. Myers, Kenny Rogers, Maglio Ordonez, Major, Major League Baseball, Michigan, Mike Ilitch, Ohio ICE Special Agent, Outfielder, owner, Pitcher, Princess, World Series