November 22, 2006, - 11:58 am
By Debbie Schlussel
Nope, there’s not a lot to be thankful for at the movies, this week. To cash in on Thanksgiving crowds, the new releases all open tonight. Ironically, the best two would normally be the worst in a good week (which this isn’t)–a tie between a hard-to-believe Denzel Washington thriller and dumb, stoner Jack Black movie. Though I dissed it, none of these movies is better than the new James Bond film. That’s how bad this week’s box office fare is:
* “Deja Vu“–Denzel Washington stars as an ATF agent in this thriller about a terrorist attack on a ferry boat carrying military personnel in New Orleans.
As usual, Hollywood’s chosen terrorist is NOT a Muslim. Nope. He’s a Timothy McVeigh carbon copy, played by Jim Caviezel. Because Muslims would never blow up anything in America and they’d never kill our military men, right? And because there have been so many Tim McVeighs that have committed terrorist attacks in the last ten years, right?
Aside from that, this movie is a little hard to believe, even if you suspend your beliefs in the name of science fiction. Washington’s ATF Agent Carlin collaborates with an FBI unit headed by the now very pudgy Val Kilmer (dude got huge!) to investigate the bombing of the ferry and the murder of many military members and their families, as well as a beautiful woman who wasn’t on the boat.
The part that’s hard to believe is that the FBI has a satellite system that can go or see inside any building, any room, anywhere, back in time four days. Sort of like a remake of Timecop. If you’re against the Patriot Act, then you can’t like this movie or cheer for finding the terrorist murderer. This movie is the Patriot Act on mega-steroids plus.
Time travel movies are a mixed bag, and this isn’t the best one. Not the worst either, though. Washington is usually a good actor because he’s playing himself, and he’s a likable guy. And this performance is no different, even though it’s a weak story.
Entertaining enough, if hard to believe. And, please, how many Timothy McVeigh terrorists do we need in movies. Check out this novel idea, Hollywood: THEY ARE MUSLIM.
Some morbid stuff makes this one not suitable for weak-of-stomach young kids.
* “Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny“–Possibly the dumbest, most moronic movie I’ve ever seen, but so much so, it’s actually entertaining and somewhat funny. And utterly mindless. You or I could have written something better, though. That’s how bad. Liked it better than star Jack Black’s recent “Nacho Libre” (from which I walked out, mid-film).
Black and his real-life “Tenacious D” rock group partner Kyle Gass play two losers who dream of becoming rock stars. To get there, they need to get the “pick of destiny”–a Satan inspired pick that every successful rock star in history has used to reach the big-time.
This movie probably had a $5-$10 million budget at best. And it shows. Big-time. Lots of has-been stars, like Meatloaf, make cameos. This metal hair guitarist movie would have been far more appropriate in, say, 1982. Right now, it’s just a dated pile of sometimes humorous, always amateurish, celluloid silliness.
Every other word is a swear word and there’s a scene with a weird maneuver with a male member, so not for kids. You wouldn’t want to addle their brains that way, anyway. Watching this is probably the equivalent of doing two hours of drugs. No telling how many brain cells were wasted.
* “The Fountain“–Oy. The guy who wrote this must have done more drugs than Jack Black did when he wrote “Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny.” And it just so happens the guy that wrote (and directed and produced) this crummy waste of time, Darren Aronofsky, did so for his fiancee and mother of his kid, Rachel Weisz. The far-left actress sure knows how to pick horrid films, including last year’s dreadful “The Constant Gardener.”
This long, boring new-age snorer features three parallel stories involving Hugh Jackman and Weisz. The main story is about a scientist/veterinarian who is trying to find a cure for his dying wife. The other stories are about a warrior trying to find the fountain of youth for the Spanish queen. The third is a bizarro new-age hairless man who lives in a bubble with a magic true growing in it while they travel through space.
Sound bizarre? It is. Skip it, or you’ll regret the $10/2-hour “investment.”
* “Bobby“–Yes, unfortunately, this two-hour version of “The Love Boat”/”Hotel” with lots of fighting couples, mean and sleazy White people, and classy, oppressed minorities, is released nationwide today, after limited release, last week. Fighting, drug and alcohol abusing, oppressive White hotel guests and employees mixed with RFK campaign worker characters and some footage of RFK makes for one long, dull, boring movie. YA-A-A-AWN. If you’re an aging leftist hippie from the ’60s who did too many drugs, you’ll love this. No-one else will. Read my full review, from last week.
Tags: America, chosen terrorist, Constant Gardener, Darren Aronofsky, Debbie Schlussel Nope, Deja Vu, Denzel Washington, far-left actress, Federal Bureau of Investigation, good actor, guitarist, Hugh Jackman, I've, Jack Black, James Bond, Jim Caviezel, Kyle Gass, metal hair guitarist movie, Nacho Libre, New Orleans, Queen, Rachel Weisz, satellite system, scientist /veterinarian, Tenacious D, Thanksgiving, The Constant Gardener, The Fountain, The Pick of Destiny, Tim McVeighs, Time travel movies, Timothy McVeigh, USD, Val Kilmer