November 5, 2010, - 4:07 pm
This is yet another rental weekend, with nothing new I can recommend at the movies.
* “For Colored Girls“: Slit-My-Wrists Cinema. Yup, I wanted to commit suicide, rather than continue to sit through the nearly 2.5 hours of this absolutely awwwwwwful Black chick minstrel show. Why do Black filmmakers like Tyler Perry make–and Black celebs like Oprah promote–such crap that, if it were the 1930s, could have been made by the Klan? Sooooo bad I can’t really describe how truly horrid this is in words. But I’ll try.
Two words: Whoopi Goldberg. Yup, she’s one of the many uber-uber-uber-annoying dolts in this movie, in which nearly every Black man is scum–from the AIDS-infected “down-low” gay husband of Janet Jackson (Ms. Jackson, if you’re nasty), who gives her the disease, to the crazy, unemployed Iraq War veteran (Michael Ealy) who throws his two kids out the window, killing them. Um, has any Iraq War vet ever done that? I doubt it. Oh, and every Black woman has a horrible life, whether it’s the woman who can’t have kids because she got an STD in college, or the young woman who is pregnant out of wedlock and nearly dies from a back alley abortion. But, hey, the movie will serve as more confirmation for the Black chick audience at whom it’s aimed of their alleged victimhood. Yes, you guessed it: no one in this movie gets affirmative action or minority set asides.
Goldberg’s character, by the way, is an attack on Christianity and those who are devout, have some moral values. Figures. But, as we know, she’d never mock Muslims. Nope, that’s where she walks out. Walk out on her and DON’T. SEE. THIS. I hate, hate, hated this movie.
The flick couldn’t have ended soon enough. Sadly, it never did. The tripe kept on coming. It went on and on and on and on and . . . . The over-abundance of stupid, pretentious, overwrought-to-the-max lecturing speeches the women in this movie gave–I mean, shut up, already. So obtrusively dumb and put upon, I laughed out loud repeatedly. I just couldn’t take it. If you’re a guy, and you go to see this movie, you’re either too whipped to have a penis. Or you’re gay. Same difference.
If you value your life and wanna pass on the 2.5 hours of Gitmo-quality torture (far worse than waterboarding) you’ll endure sitting through this, you’ll skip it at all cost. This flick is based on the play, “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf.” If only they hadn’t just considered suicide, but actually committed it.
Oh, and did I mention?: I. HATE. THIS. MOVIE.
FOUR MARXES PLUS AN OBAMA PLUS A BIN LADEN PLUS A WHOOPI GOLDBERG
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Due Date“: I liked this much better the first time I saw it . . . when it was called “Planes, Trains & Automobiles.” In that movie, you liked the characters played by John Candy and even the rude, snobby Steve Martin. This movie is just vile, disgusting, and mean-spirited. I didn’t like the creep played by Robert Downey, Jr. or the goofy guy who helps him get cross country (Zach Galifianakis). I wanted them to crash and die. Sadly, they survived the crash and the movie–and my suffering–kept going.
And the movie isn’t funny. I barely laughed. Mostly it’s disgusting. We’re treated to scenes of a dog masturbating–up close and in-your-face. Uh, no thanks. And we’re treated to such sparkling dialogue as
I’m sorry we drank your father.
That’s when the ashes of Galifianakis’ father are made into coffee, which they accidentally drink. Funny? No. Just gross. Kinda like most of the movie.
Downey and Galifianakis get kicked off a plane and put on the no-fly list and must get cross country from Atlanta to Los Angeles, where Downey’s wife is about to give birth and Galifianakis wants to become an actor and fulfill his dream of guest-starring on “Two and a Half Men.”
The only good part of this movie was when the Federal Air Marshals shot these guys with rubber bullets. How sad for us all that the bullets weren’t real.
FOUR MARXES PLUS AN OBAMA PLUS A BIN LADEN
Watch the trailer . . .
* “Megamind“: Megaboring, regardless of whether it’s in 3D. While this movie had excellent animation, it was duller than heck. The story was so stupid and silly, I struggled to stay awake and repeatedly lost that battle, missing nothing during the naps. Will Ferrell voices an oddball who becomes a villain (Megamind), and Brad Pitt voices his rival, the conceited superhero, (Metro Man). Megamind finally achieves his goal of destroying Metro Man and becomes lonely having nobody to fight and nothing to fight for, since he rules Metro City. So, he must invent a hero and give him powers. Who cares? I sure didn’t. At only 1.5 hours, it seemed like five hours.
ZERO REAGANS OR MARXES – A WASH
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Black chick minstrel show, Brad Pitt, Due Date, FAM, FAMS, Federal Air Marshals, For Colored Girls, For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf, Gitmo-quality torture, Janet Jackson, Megamind, Megamind 3D, Metro City, Metro Man, Michael Ealy, movie, movie review, Movie Reviews, Ntozake Shange, Oprah, Robert Downey, Robert Downey Jr., Slit-My-Wrists Cinema, Tyler Perry, Whoopi Goldberg, Will Ferrell