April 1, 2011, - 6:52 pm

Charlie Sheen Does Detroitistan; I Am Chaim Sheen

By Debbie Schlussel

*** UPDATE, 04/02/11: It turns Out Charlie Sheen’s claim to being Jewish is yet another one of his fantastical lies. Thank G-d. Like I said, we didn’t wanna claim him. ***

So, as you may have heard, the Charlie Sheen circus comes to Detroitistan, tomorrow night.  The thousands of tickets that “sold out in 18 minutes” to Detroit’s FOX Theater didn’t actually sell out at all.  In fact, most of the tix for the Detroit “My Violent Torpedo of Truth / Defeat Is Not an Option Show” are back on the market and you can easily buy a seat near the stage, as I write this.  What I think is hilarious, though, is how Sheen snookered at least one Detroit area radio station after his people got the station to shill for and hold a contest for him all week.  Also, since it’s April Fool’s Day, I am unmasking myself as the little known Twitter personality, “Chaim Sheen” of Malibu, Pornstarstan, something I did when Sheen called Chuck Lorre, “Chaim Levine,” and which I quickly got sick of  when 1) I got only 8 followers and almost no retweets, 2) Sheen disclosed that he is Jewish (his mother is, so by Jewish law . . . damn!), and 3) no one liked my humor asking Warlox&Bagels Warriors of the world to unite.  More on that later.  But, first, check out how he screwed the Detroit radio butt-kissers.

Chaim Sheen of Malibu, Pornstarstan

(Artwork by David Lunde, Design by Debbie Schlussel)

My friends, Drew & Mike, the most popular Detroit radio morning show for White people (if you judge by all listeners, Black radio is number one in the Detroit radio market), spent all week shilling for Sheen.  On Tuesday, Sheen’s people asked them to to hold a contest on their WRIF-FM show for Charlie’s Detroit intern–asking beautiful women to send in their pics to compete as Sheen’s on-stage “helpers.”  They spent all week doing this, in exchange for an exclusive interview with Sheen at 5:00 a.m. Eastern, this morning.  But Sheen never showed up.  He stood them up repeatedly, and they were upset. They played their conversation with Sheen’s airheaded “personal assistant”/live-in buddy on the air.  It was pathetic.  Sheen did give an interview to another morning radio host, whom he enlisted to hold a contest for a beautiful woman to sing the “Star Spangled Banner” at his “concert.”  Charlie Sheen is patriotic?  Hardly.

The world’s media has descended on Detroit to see what Sheen will do to fill over an hour of promised on-stage performance time.  Uttering stuff about being a “bitchin’ rock star from Mars,” a “warlock warrior assassin” sent by the Vatican,  and coursing with “tiger blood” ain’t gonna work for over an hour on stage.  So, good luck with that, Charlie.  Apparently, he’s enlisted Snoop Dogg, his Black counterpart on the trash continuum, to perform onstage.

And then there’s Chaim Sheen, the personality I created for Twitter.  I thought it would be fun, but like everybody else, I got sick of even making fun of this jerk after a couple of days.  Plus, it didn’t catch on.  I asked our friend David Lunde of Lundesigns to take the pic of Charlie Sheen from the police station scene in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and put a Jewish star yarmulke on him.  But, once I learned he was bragging about being Jewish to counter charges that he was anti-Semitic, I was thinking, OY! Do we really gotta claim him?  Can’t we put him in the list of Jews we don’t wanna claim, like Roseanne, Ron Jeremy, and Brian Moskowitz? I decided my Chaim Sheen tweets about Warlox&Bagels Warriors were as stale as a Pastrami and Tiger Blood on Rye sandwich from Two And a Half Delis.  Anyway, above are some of my Chaim Sheen tweets.

Shalom, Chaim, it was not so nice knowin’ ya. The 15 minutes are up.

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17 Responses

Shame on anyone who woul perport to do business with a drug infested crackhead. A program where he made over two-million dollars an episode couldn’t get this nut to act right and you’re shocked when he doesn’t so up to some radio station in Detroit no-less.
As I’ve said before it’s sad to see such a great actor jet-ski into the abyss.

A: Who said I’m shocked? In fact, I’m not surprised at all. The guy is a nutjob and a slacker. I figured he’d stand these Detroit radio guys up. I’m laughing at it. DS

Anthony on April 1, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Is he gonna be on Nickelodeon’s Kids Choice Awards too?

theShadow on April 1, 2011 at 10:29 pm

You are aware that Chuck Lorre’s given name is Chaim Levine.

And yes you do need to claim Charlie as “one of your own.” Be live me, every group has people they wish they could jettison from the gene pool, but you are stuck with him.

PB: Actually, while his real last name is Levine, his real first name is Charles. Sheen called Lorre by his real Jewish last name in an effort to point out he’s Jewish, which has no purpose other than anti-Semitism. DS

Pete Bone on April 1, 2011 at 11:15 pm

    Why is pointing out he’s Jewish being anti-Semitic?
    And why is him changing his name to something ‘less Jewish’not anti-Semitic?

    Pete Bone on April 3, 2011 at 4:17 am

Why don’t we want to claim Ron Jeremy? ;)

Occam's Tool on April 2, 2011 at 12:54 am

    Yeah, in his own way, he’s also a rock star from mars.

    Irving on April 2, 2011 at 4:20 am

We do want to claim Ron Jeremy. At least us Jewish males do.

Joey P. on April 2, 2011 at 10:41 am

Carlos is an invisible, self destructive little prick. After Zsa Zsa goes, this dork will be #3 celebrity death.

#1 Vato on April 2, 2011 at 11:02 am

Debbie I am glad CS is Jewish. Chabad should call him up and arrange for him to tour Israel. Some yeshiva time and a stint in the IDF might be a good intervention, and then he can move production of his farcocte show I’ve never seen to Israel, the land that G-d promised to him and us. BTW I don’t use Twitter but your posts look reasonably funny.

A1 on April 2, 2011 at 11:07 am

Yes Charlie is Winning he has an estimated wealth of $50MILLION.

WINNING!!!!!!!

Keep Hating.

Darkside on April 2, 2011 at 11:23 am

Is Charlie Sheen still considered Jewish even though he was baptized and raised a Catholic, like his father?

Carol on April 2, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Charlie Sheen’s mother is not Jewish. Or at least, her own mother was not.

See
http://www.jweekly.com/blog/full/61045/charlie-sheen-jewish-almost-certainly-a-fantasy/

His mom is Southern Baptist.

dee on April 2, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    He’s not a Jew and neither am I.

    I would be a Jew by the Karaite definition of descent, derived from a literal reading of the Torah, where descent is through the father.

    My father was Jewish.

    NormanF on April 2, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Interesting article, dee. I can’t believe he’s lying about his mother being Jewish so that no one can accuse him of being anti-Semetic. Actually, I can believe he’s doing that.

Carol on April 2, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Even if he WAS Jewish, I wouldn’t wanna claim him either.

The Jews have enough anti-Semites in their midst as it is. They don’t need more of them!

NormanF on April 2, 2011 at 11:03 pm

He should convert to Islam. Much simpler – no ancestry proofs required – just recite that stupid prayer called the Shehada in front of 2 or more Muslims, and viola!!! Charlie Sheen could become Jarrah Sayeed, and even claim descent from Mohammed ;)

Infidel Pride on April 3, 2011 at 3:00 am

Charlie Sheen has made the painful discovery that “Chaim doesn’t pay”.

Chaim Paddaman on April 12, 2011 at 5:52 am

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