April 1, 2008, - 12:31 pm
More Rube TV Destined for Failure: Welcome to the Enviro-Celeb Channel; Tommy Lee Tells You How to Live
By Debbie Schlussel
So, let me get this straight. A millionaire slacker has-been covered in tattoos, who allegedly gave his former wife Hepatitis-C and couldn’t even protect kids at his son’s birthday party (where one kid drowned to death in the swimming pool), is going to tell you and me how to live.
Yup, Tommy Lee, rapper Ludacris, actor Adrian Grenier, and other “Do As I Say, Not As I Do” celebs will star on “Planet Green,” a whole new Discovery cable television network centered on enviro-do-goodism, alleged global warming, and phony “greening” (unless you count green in their wallets–that stuff is real).
Grenier, of HBO’s “Entourage,” will star on “The Green Life,” one of the many preachy shows on this silly network starring a pyramid of public hypocrites. I would like to know just how much energy, film, and paper Grenier wasted in making and promoting his little-watched bomb of a documentary, in which he confronted his birth father. Did he recycle the movie posters and digital film prints, or are they polluting America in a landfill somewhere.
If Planet Green really wanted to save the planet and reduce alleged global warming, the network would never exist. It creates alleged global warming by virtue of its very existence, which entails offices, electricity, energy, paper, lighting, etc., etc., etc. But “saving the planet” is really not the goal of this new cable channel. The goal is greening someone’s wallet with a different kind of “renewable” “green.”
Predictably hypocritical names associated with this network include Leonardo DiCaprio a/k/a Dicrapio, who is producing a “Green” show, and yet still lives in an energy-sucking mansion and flies alone on corporate jets, wasting yet more fuel. Green, indeed. Like I said of the others, he’s only green in his bank account.
Among other shows that are planned (no, I’m not making this up):
* “Wasted,” a contest adapted from a New Zealand format that offers cash to homeowners who cut out their “eco-horrors.”
* “Hollywood Green,” celebrity infotainment series, produced by Access Hollywood, with an eco-friendly twist.
Love that second one, in which I’m sure we’ll hear more fairy tales than from the Brother’s Grimm. Like, how Jennifer Aniston only takes 4-minute showers and brushes her teeth in the shower (she’s bragged about this to People) . . . even though, she has a gazillion-square-foot home that uses more energy than 34 average American homes do in a year. She’s from the fuel-guzzling corporate jet set, too. Oh, and all those times she eats out–not so green, when you count all of the energy to make and serve that food and keep the dining hall climactically comforting. All that gas wasted to get there and back. And all that waste created and thrown out. Oh, and the energy spent to launder the dirtied linens. Hmmm . . . very green, indeed.
Here’s my suggested programming for Planet Green:
* “Hollywood Green Wasted,” contestants get to tear down the majority of a famous enviro-preachy celebrity’s mansion–such as the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie estate–leaving only that portion, which will use only as much energy as does the average American.
* “Silicone Valley Excavations,” plastic surgery doctors normally doing humanitarian work for indigent children with cleft-palates will perform silicone implant removals from various artificially-endowed Hollywood starlets, so as not to pollute the ground when they ultimately die, are buried, and their non-biodegradable implants remain intact six-feet under. May have to have another show for dentists to remove those porcelain veneers. They’re not biodegradable, either. Sigh.
Tags: Access Hollywood, actor, Adrian Grenier, America, bank account, cable television network, Cable TV, Debbie Schlussel So, electricity, energy, energy-sucking mansion, Entourage, Enviro-Celeb Channel, food, hepatitis, Jennifer Aniston, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ludacris, New Zealand, plastic surgery, rapper, silly network, swimming, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee Tells, Valley Excavations