July 18, 2008, - 1:35 pm

“Mamma Mia!”? More like Homo Mia: Former James Bond Falls Far in Painful Movie Aimed at Gays, Women; Feminist Attack on Batman

By Debbie Schlussel
Did you know that feminists are trying to turn this weekend’s box office take into a battle of the sexes? They are, and in this “Mamma Mia!” versus “The Dark Knight” contest, it’s really no contest. They’re gonna lose.
When the “Sex and the City” movie came out earlier this year, I wrote that it was a national IQ test for women. If you liked it, you failed. What I didn’t realize is that it was a two-part test.
The second part debuted at Midnight, last night. It’s “Mamma Mia!” More like Homo Mia! This dopey, annoying musical set to the songs of ’70s pop group, “ABBA,” is an ode to slutdom and what gay men want to project onto straight women and their relationships.

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And it’s painful. The three middle-aged, haggish, oversexed women at the center of it all–Meryl Streep, Christine Baranski, and some chick with a butch haircut and an English accent, whose name I don’t care to know–are the “Sex and the City” women in ten years. Blechhhh! Who wants to see and hear three dirty old women simultaneously having hot flashes and yearning for orgasms, set to music now played only in gay dance clubs?
Middle-aged women and gay men. That’s who. Yesterday, I arrived late to the screening of the movie, and I went to a midnight showing to see the beginning that I missed. Amidst a cinema multiplex filled with males attending several sold-out showings of the excellent-but-violent Batman flick, “The Dark Knight,” the theater also had the midnight showing of “MM!” thinking that women would flock to see it, while their husbands and boyfriends saw Batman. No such “luck.” In the empty theater along with me were three middle-aged women and a gay guy. In his effeminate voice, he said to me, “I’m not a Batman guy, I’m a Mamma Mia guy.” No kidding. (Except maybe about the “guy” part.)
There’s some sort of weird feminist anti-Batman backlash hype the press is trying to generate against “The Dark Knight” and in favor of “MM!” USA Today did a whole piece on this movie as “The Dark Knight” for women and a sign of grrrrlpower at the movies. And this weekend, NOW–the National Organization for (Ugly) Women–is billing its three-day annual conference in Bethesda, Maryland, with this theme:

No Capes, No Masks, No Boundaries: Feminist Super-Women Unite!

Uh, no thanks. “Super-Women”? There’s a reason no-one uses “Wonder Woman” and “NOW” together in the same sentence.
Since it’s a musical, you have to wonder why they cast Pierce Brosnan as one of the male co-stars. Hearing him attempt to sing is like hearing the sound of animals being beheaded. Truly distressing and excruciatingly painful. I searched in vain for the industrial strength earplugs I keep in my purse.
It’s truly embarrassing and pathetic to see the fall of this formerly suave James Bond now forced into singing, karaoke-style, the playlist of an Elton John-George Michael soiree, while wearing–as he does at the movie’s conclusion–a fluorescent, tight jumpsuit and platform high-heeled boots. How do you say “007″ in fruity-speak?
Then, there’s the plot of this thing: Meryl Streep plays a single mother hippie whose daughter is getting married. The daughter doesn’t know who her real dad is and surreptitiously read mom’s diary to find out. During the time she was conceived her mother slept with three different men, so she invites all of them to her wedding. The tripartite family values of being a slut, I guess.
In the meantime, Streep is trying to dissuade her daughter from getting married and push her toward pursuing her career instead, which (this isn’t a spoiler because you really don’t care anyway) is what she ultimately does. And all the while, Streep’s two slutty, middle-aged friends in heat are desperately hitting on anything in pants. Embarrassing and classless.
The message of the movie: marriage is bad, and ho-dom and sluttery ain’t no big thang. Everything all works out in happiness at the end of such a lifestyle. At least, on-screen.
Most of the movie is women crying, weeping, or shrieking hysterically. Who needs it? The “jokes” in this movie are so bad, it’s not funny. I didn’t laugh once. Listening to the throngs of mindless women who crowded the evening screening cackling loudly and non-stop at the most lame of lines and scenes drove me crazy. It was unbearable. As was their applause and standing ovation at the end for this unworthy, substandard, mindless waste. Oy vey.
If there’s one thing that’s good about this movie, it’s Meryl Streep’s surprisingly decent singing voice. But it’s not enough to justify wasting ten bucks and two hours.
It’s not that I don’t like musicals–one of my favorite movies is the classic, “Showboat.” And last year’s “Sweeney Todd” was cool. It’s that I don’t like dumb movies that waste two hours of my life I’ll never get back.
And I don’t dislike some of ABBA’s hits either. It’s just that in this movie, the ’70s called, and they want their songs back. The members of the now defunct ABBA are not complaining, of course, because this is a new and expanding revenue source for them. And I can’t blame them.
But if you’re a guy whose wife or girlfriend wants to drag you to see “Mamma Mia,” take it from me, kill yourself first. You’ll thank me from your man cave in Heaven.
Keep your manhood–and sanity–intact, and go see “The Dark Knight,” instead.
The only ABBA song that truly fits here is “S.O.S.” But this ship is beyond saving.
THREE MARXES
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13 Responses

Are you sure you weren’t in a Hillary write-in campaign meeting?

CapitalistGig on July 18, 2008 at 2:27 pm

Left wing attacks on Batman are not new. Perhaps the most notorious left-winger to attack Batman was Frederic Wertham (Seduction of the Innocent), more than 50 years ago. Although he partly attacked Batman for, ironically, contributing to homosexuality, he made a general attack on heroes such as Batman, as well, and severely damaged the comic book industry.
Wertham was indeed a left-winger, testifying for Ethel Rosenberg, who, at the very least, was well aware of her husband’s Soviet espionage activities in the early 50s. He also aided the Rosenbergs’ children in obtaining new custody arrangements after their parents’ deaths, among his other left-wing activities.

c f on July 18, 2008 at 2:47 pm

Homo Mia?? Hahahaha!!!!
Debbie, marry me! Seriously, you are one of the coolest gals out there. Any lady who despises chick flicks as much as me is super fine.

Jeff_W on July 18, 2008 at 3:23 pm

I saw the play on Broadway back in 2004. Cute but not exactly memorable. How it has lasted all these years is beyond me. On second thought, CATS lasted (I think) around 18 – 20 years on Broadway (in the same Winter Garden theater where West Side Story opened in 1957).

Ripper on July 18, 2008 at 3:40 pm

this review was hysterical! I’m seeing Dark Knight on Wednesday…

C-Hay on July 18, 2008 at 4:22 pm

debbie, with you bashing this movie the abba reunion will be pushed back to 2010, bjorn will be sent out on a tirade of you because he will be stuck working on cat stevens new album for the next 2 years.oh by the way has sara jessica and the girl contact you about bashing there movie we would love to know.

PNAMARBLE on July 18, 2008 at 6:17 pm

Dear Debbie,
Thank you for that dead on accurate review. I just got back from seeing this lame movie with my daughters a couple of hours ago. You’re right it was excrutiating. Seeing Mr. Darcy as some sort of dorky former punker find himself by deciding he’s now gay just pissed me off. (What a slam on Meryl Streeps character.) I didn’t much care for the glorification of slutdom and told my girls that thirty years ago this movie would never have been made because of that one tiny point, oh yeah, the main crux of the movie. I also noticed that Pierce’s voice was, um, horrible (I truly felt embarrassed for him) and that while I loved Julie Walters in Educating Rita a quarter of a century ago, she was trying way too hard in this vehicle and it was annoying.
I will admit that hearing the ABBA songs took me back to my teenaged years which was fun, the blonde who plays Sophie was adorable with a good voice, the disapproving Greek extras were pretty funny and the gorgeous scenery off some Greek Island was mesmerizing but alas, the movie still sucked.

Isabellathecrusader on July 20, 2008 at 7:07 pm

I make it a practice to avoid Meryl Streep movies regardless of the accent she’s mimic-ing. I put her in the Diane Keaton category. Simply too annoying.

lexi on July 21, 2008 at 9:48 am

I saw this movie Saturday night and found it to be painful to watch. I enjoyed the music but the acting was lame and everyone was waaaaay to old for the parts they played except for the young couple. I saw the show in Las Vegas a couple of years ago and figured I would give the movie a try. I was dissapointed all around. Although filmed in a beautiful location I would love to visit.

formerwm on July 21, 2008 at 2:11 pm

It’s truly satisfying to read such a glorious sledgehammer job on such unmitigated trash as this. Personally I wouldn’t touch it with a barge pole and would maybe suffer it if you paid me a large sum of money. I also particularly enjoy Debbie’s lambasting of the audience, who are usually more excruciating than the mediocre mind numbing garbage they adore and lap up.

johndoe on July 21, 2008 at 4:45 pm

I haven’t seen the movie but did see the national touring company perform the show in South Bend, and loved it, though I will agree that the story line is, at best, embarrassing. The music redeemed the show, and the performers were the equal of the original versions. I’m a man who has no problem saying I like ABBA music (this is surely one of the great issues of our age), and will add that no less a man than G. Gordon Liddy has proclaimed on the air that ABBA is his FAVORITE group. Just call me a man who gets tired of the stereotypes.

danr27 on July 22, 2008 at 6:38 am

Just saw it, and I agree that no straight guy would ever want to see it. I did not dislike it as much as you, although wasting talented people in a stupid storyline was irritating to see.

mindy1 on July 23, 2008 at 6:49 am

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