September 20, 2011, - 4:41 pm
Okay, so maybe it’s not THE dumbest voluntary face mutilation by piercing ever (there are many more warped faces on Google images for your viewing pleasure). But it’s up there. Over the weekend, the Detroit Free Pressistan had a story on University of Michigan fans with divided loyalty. The story included a pic of this guy, Quinn Garrison, and his tattoos. And I was thinking: his tattoos?! Huh? Look at that stupid metal bar implanted on his chin! Did he just wake up one day and think to himself, “Hmmm . . . you know what my gorgeous mug is missing that keeps it from total perfection? A bar between my lower lip and my chin. Yup, that’s the ticket.”? Or maybe he thought, “What can I do to deflect attention away from my large forehead? Hey, I know! I’ll permanently affix a spoke from my childhood tricycle to my chin. Wow, I’m brilliant.” Or, “I’ll get a miniature speculum on my face and the chicks’ll wanna date me!”
Why do people do this? It’s not cool. Any moron with $50-$100 bucks can go to a tattoo and piercing shop and get metal implanted on his/her face. It’s not healthy. You can get infections and the piercings are a cesspool for bacteria. And it isn’t brave. There are tens of thousands of U.S. troops far more brave than you. Some of them now have mutilated faces because of battle wounds they didn’t want. You mutilate your face voluntarily in the comfort of an air-conditioned head shop. That ain’t brave. It’s not even radical. It’s just moronic and will give you ugly scars and holes that will outlast your stupidity. In the meantime, it announces to the world, “Hey, I’m a frickin’ moron!” Good luck at job interviews, buddy.
So glad our soldiers are dying for your right to affix your car’s mirror stem to your face. Freedom is great. Sometimes–too many times!–it manifests in the utterly absurd and incredibly stupid.
Oh, and by the way, this is a liberal thing. How many conservatives do you know with metal hardware permanently affixed to their faces? These morons voted for Obama . . . if they voted.