March 12, 2007, - 1:40 pm
By Debbie Schlussel
Previously, I decided that the next time I check in too late for a flight, I’ll say I’m Muslim and whine, like the Metro Detroit whining Muslims did when Northwest Airlines wouldn’t allow them to board late in Germany, returning from the Hajj. Because they whined–and more importantly, they are Muslim–Northwest gave them money, signed up for sensitivity training, and a whole bunch of other emoluments.
Well, now, I have two useful excuses. I can say I’m Muslim . . . OR I can say I’m Britney Spears. Because, apparently, if your name is Britney Spears, and you’re a nutcase millionairatrix with no panties, you, too, can not only board a flight after it has already left the gate, but the plane will actually return to the gate to come pick you up. Just make sure, in the case of using the Britney excuse, that you are flying American Airlines.
It’s bad enough that this airline–which lost two planes and lots of passengers and flight crew to 9/11 Islamic Terrorist attacks– honored an actress who said we Americans deserved 9/11. Now, they’re having separate policies for passengers named Britney Spears (pre-headshave). From the March 5th issue of People:
During the afternoon of Feb. 16, passengers at the Miami International Airport were stunned to see Spears running through the terminal, hoping to make an American Airlines flight to L.A. When she arrived, out-of-breath and without a handler in sight [DS: And it should make a difference if she has a “handler”?!], she was told that the plane’s door had been shut and the walkway retracted. “She was really upset,” says David Paulsen, 28, a passenger on a plane at an adjacent gate who witnessed the exchange. “She said to the agent, ‘I’ve got to get on this plane to get home to my kids.’ She was blinking a lot and the corners of her mouth were going down. She looked like she was about to cry. So the agent got on the phone and said, ‘I’ve got Britney Spear here and she wants to get on the plane.'”
She got on the plane–but not into first class, which was full. [DS: So sad, too bad.] So Spears walked past the astonished passengers in coach and took a seat in the last row. [DS: I repeat: So sad, too bad.] “It was one of those surreal moments, the shock of my life,” says a passenger seated a few rows in front of her. “She sat by herself for five hours. [DS: Once, again, So sad, too bad.] She looked like she was trying to hold it together, but she wasn’t doing well.”
Indeed, it was only hours after landing that Spears showed up at Esther’s Haircutting Studio . . . . At 8:30 p.m., with a sweatshirt covereing her newly shorn head . . ., Spears ducked into Body & Soul Tattoo Shop.
So to recap: To get on a Northwest Airlines flight after the immovable deadline to board–or to get a ton of money and publicity afterward–say you’re a Muslim and whine. To get on an American Airlines flight after the immovable deadline to board, say you’re Britney Spears, pretend to cry and lie that you need to be home with your children (because no-one else has ever been refused board onto a plane, when they need to be home for their kids), when you’re really going for tats and a shave and more partying, and you, too, can get the American Airlines captain to return to the gate so you can board.
Or better yet, just say you’re the Muslim Britney Spears. Then, you’ve got all the airlines covered.
Got that? Class dismissed.
Tags: actress, airline, American Airlines, Britney Spear, Britney Spears, Britney Whine Air It, Captain, coach, David Paulsen, Debbie Schlussel, Detroit, DS, Esther's Haircutting Studio, Germany, Miami International Airport, newly shorn head, Northwest, Northwest Airlines