March 12, 2007, - 1:40 pm

Does American Airlines Give You the Britney Treatment?

By Debbie Schlussel
Previously, I decided that the next time I check in too late for a flight, I’ll say I’m Muslim and whine, like the Metro Detroit whining Muslims did when Northwest Airlines wouldn’t allow them to board late in Germany, returning from the Hajj. Because they whined–and more importantly, they are Muslim–Northwest gave them money, signed up for sensitivity training, and a whole bunch of other emoluments.
Well, now, I have two useful excuses. I can say I’m Muslim . . . OR I can say I’m Britney Spears. Because, apparently, if your name is Britney Spears, and you’re a nutcase millionairatrix with no panties, you, too, can not only board a flight after it has already left the gate, but the plane will actually return to the gate to come pick you up. Just make sure, in the case of using the Britney excuse, that you are flying American Airlines.

americanairlines.jpgbritneycrying.jpg

Britney Whine Air

It’s bad enough that this airline–which lost two planes and lots of passengers and flight crew to 9/11 Islamic Terrorist attacks– honored an actress who said we Americans deserved 9/11. Now, they’re having separate policies for passengers named Britney Spears (pre-headshave). From the March 5th issue of People:

During the afternoon of Feb. 16, passengers at the Miami International Airport were stunned to see Spears running through the terminal, hoping to make an American Airlines flight to L.A. When she arrived, out-of-breath and without a handler in sight [DS: And it should make a difference if she has a "handler"?!], she was told that the plane’s door had been shut and the walkway retracted. “She was really upset,” says David Paulsen, 28, a passenger on a plane at an adjacent gate who witnessed the exchange. “She said to the agent, ‘I’ve got to get on this plane to get home to my kids.’ She was blinking a lot and the corners of her mouth were going down. She looked like she was about to cry. So the agent got on the phone and said, ‘I’ve got Britney Spear here and she wants to get on the plane.’”
She got on the plane–but not into first class, which was full. [DS: So sad, too bad.] So Spears walked past the astonished passengers in coach and took a seat in the last row. [DS: I repeat: So sad, too bad.] “It was one of those surreal moments, the shock of my life,” says a passenger seated a few rows in front of her. “She sat by herself for five hours. [DS: Once, again, So sad, too bad.] She looked like she was trying to hold it together, but she wasn’t doing well.”
Indeed, it was only hours after landing that Spears showed up at Esther’s Haircutting Studio . . . . At 8:30 p.m., with a sweatshirt covereing her newly shorn head . . ., Spears ducked into Body & Soul Tattoo Shop.

So to recap: To get on a Northwest Airlines flight after the immovable deadline to board–or to get a ton of money and publicity afterward–say you’re a Muslim and whine. To get on an American Airlines flight after the immovable deadline to board, say you’re Britney Spears, pretend to cry and lie that you need to be home with your children (because no-one else has ever been refused board onto a plane, when they need to be home for their kids), when you’re really going for tats and a shave and more partying, and you, too, can get the American Airlines captain to return to the gate so you can board.
Or better yet, just say you’re the Muslim Britney Spears. Then, you’ve got all the airlines covered.
Got that? Class dismissed.

Related Posts with Thumbnails
Print Friendly



Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

11 Responses

Oh gee…great, I’m the first to comment. Deb, I love your stuff and, most of it is good, serious, and fun. But, this bimbo is a waste. As to AA and NWA, I stopped flying both years ago (before they were so damned PC) because their customer service was so “stellar”. Anyone listening? Both airlines stink. They should merge and call themselves “WhinerAir” or, how about “MoooohamedAir”.

FreeAmerican on March 12, 2007 at 2:18 pm

So the average person wouldn’t have this treatment, yet becuase Britney Spears is waaay beyond what a psychonut is, and a disgusting slut to boot, SHE GETS SPECIAL TREATMENT!!! Yeah, this is what gets you fame these days…just be the lowest of the low and you can have special treatment, and be superior to the average person.

Squirrel3D on March 12, 2007 at 2:19 pm

Debbie, are you aware of your “buddy” Sean Hannity’s latest “escapade”?
Dr. Hannity and Mr. Hyde
Helen Valois
March 10, 2007
http://www.renewamerica.us/columns/valois/070310

feralcat9 on March 12, 2007 at 3:09 pm

As a chile the three best airlines were BOAC [now British Airways], Lufthansa and American…and i have seen them hold the plane for late arrivals several times,,,they even held the plane for me and my sister once!!!
Of course, those were the days when CUSTOMER SERVICE was a top priority, and even the peons in coach got a MEAL as well as soda & peanuts. When a little goodwill gets bad press then you know this country is definitely heading in the wron direction.

EminemsRevenge on March 12, 2007 at 3:17 pm

Hmmm…….great idea D.S. After being “harrassed” many times by the airport security personale, its about time I start contemplating on changing my name the next time I have to fly out. How does Fatimah Spears sound to you? Or do you prefer Britney Sharmuta? ( correct my arabic mispelling if I’m wrong or excuse my language altogether.)

Jew Chick on March 12, 2007 at 4:57 pm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6441461.stm
While you’re at it, you might want to straighten out the current corrupt and amoral Israeli government

alaskanmal on March 12, 2007 at 5:10 pm

This reminds me of the time I was heading home to New York from Pittsburgh, I think American Airlines too. I was waiting on line over 15 minutes, and no one would pay attention to me behind the counter, it wasn’t busy that afternoon. Well some woman walks up next to me and she gets served right away. I was soooo angry, I with anger in my voice said to the woman I been waiting here a long time, why does she get served before me. Woman working for the Airline said “She is flying first class”. I am like what am I worthless? Why do you think they pull that curtain over when they serving 1st class, because they dont want the rest of the lower class to see what they are eating.
I believe everyone should be treated with equal respect. Buy a better seat, pay more for it, fine, upgrade the amenities but don’t treat anyone less than the other. I hate special privilaged characters! I can’t stand elitists. Only if you pay for more you get more, not be treated better than the next guy.

StuLongIsland on March 12, 2007 at 10:17 pm

Debbie, you are much better looking then Britney! Don’t lower yourself to her standard.

Witch-king of Angmar on March 13, 2007 at 4:00 am

This is why I do not fly anymore unless I can absolutely help it, then I fly Delta. Everytime I’ve flown with US Scare, I’ve been delayed, delayed, delayed, re-routed and once had my luggage lost. Usually by the time I’ve waited for delays I could have just driven to my destination. There is no such thing as customer service anymore, unless you are a cheapskate celebrity or a wanna-be terrorist.

Minnie Mouse on March 13, 2007 at 5:15 am

This goofy chick is a freak! First, she can’t even be responsible enough to make her flight on time, then she whines and cries about needing to be with her kids, she arrives in the “Land of Fruits and Nuts” just in time to hit her favorite tattoo parlor. “…she looked like she was trying to hold it together”? What, her legs? She was probably too busy dishing out knob-jobs on Rodeo Blvd. and lost track of time.
What happened to the kids? Am I missing something? And she wants full custody?
By the way, hey “sterile”cat9-what the hell does Sean Hannity have to do with this pukette?

1shot1kill on March 13, 2007 at 11:40 am

Leave a Reply

* denotes required field