September 1, 2012, - 11:55 pm

Wknd Box Office: Lawless, Killer Joe, Celeste & Jesse Forever

By Debbie Schlussel

Sorry I’m late with my movie reviews but I had a lot going on Friday (couldn’t get ’em done in time for the Jewish Sabbath), I hated the new movies, and there are no blockbusters among them. Remember, August is the cemetery in which Hollywood studios send the worst movies to die a quick death. And this weekend shows that in spades. I did not see “The Possession,” which was not screened for Detroit-area critics (which usually means it’s a bomb).

* “Lawless“: There are plenty of interesting moonshiner stories in America (and I’ve written about one of them, Marvin “Popcorn” Sutton), but this wasn’t one of them. This long, slow, boring, waste of time was nothing but two hours of torture porn and killing. It was bloody and violent with no point to it. I’m disappointed in the Gary Oldman and Guy Pearce–two terrific actors I admire–for taking what was obviously just a paycheck. They co-star in this absolute garbage.

Shia LaBeouf, in the movie’s lead role, just cannot do a Southern accent. He plays one of three real-life moonshining brothers in Franklin County, Virginia during the prohibition. Between the three brothers, there are three different Southern accents. Even more ridiculous is the story. There’s hardly a plot, little suspense, and just a whole lot of blood and sickening scenes, such as the one in which a man is literally tarred and feathered (am I racist for saying that?). The brothers fight rivals, thugs, corrupt cops, and a corrupt federal prosecutor from Chicago (Pearce). And I just could not have cared less. The whole purpose of the movie was to show as much violence and torture porn as possible and make all of the characters as unsympathetic and uninteresting as possible. Graphic, gory, and just plain garbage. And frankly, if everyone in the movie would have been killed off at the beginning, I’d have applauded. Sadly, some lived.

Skip this.


Watch the trailer . . .

* “Killer Joe“: This is the second torture/killing porn movie of the week, and it’s far worse than “Lawless.” It’s rated NC-17, and it’s just sick and utterly warped. Complete garbage. Matthew McConaughey plays a police detective in Texas who doubles as a hitman. He demands $25,000 for a hit. A trashy family that lives in a trailer wants to hire him. The adult son (Emile Hirsch) owes some mobsters $6,000 in gambling debt, and he wants to hire a hitman to kill his mother for insurance money to pay off his debt so he can avoid being killed. He convinces his father (Thomas Haden Church), who is divorced from his mother, to agree to hire the hitman. But they don’t have any money to pay him, and he wants his money up front. So, they agree to give their respective sister/daughter, who is mildly retarded (not sure if I’m allowed to say that word in this PC-world, but “mildly-Downs Syndrome-afflicted” sounds ridiculous), to the hitman to have sex with her at whim as a “retainer” payment. Sound warped enough for you? It gets worse. The movies is absolutely disgusting, incredibly violent and bloody, and features a scene in which McConaughey’s character forces a women to simulate oral sex with a piece of fried chicken on his crotch while he masturbates. Yup, Hollywood keeps getting more warped. High Quality Al-Qaeda terrorist recruitment material.

Despicable. Absolute trash.


Watch the trailer . . .

* “Celeste & Jesse Forever“: While this movie had a lot of funny lines, it was also extremely annoying. Rashida Jones is a driven, successful PR person who is married to her loser boyfriend she’s known since high school, the unemployed Andy Samberg. They decide to split up, and he lives in the guesthouse behind her house. But while he moves on and meets someone else, she misses him and can’t seem to move on. They are both hipsters. Ick. Um, I don’t know about you, but watching two annoying hipsters simulate manual sex on a carrot at a wedding reception ain’t exactly entertaining to me. It’s stupid and so was this movie. And I had no use from Samberg’s insertion of his Hebrew name and constant self-deprecation for being Jewish gratuitously inserted in the movie. More self-hatred from Hollywood’s Jews. And it’s hard to believe that Rashida Jones would ever be with Andy Samberg (or that anyone would be with Andy Samberg, for that matter.) The guy is talentless, and this movie is a time bandit. At the end of it, you’ll walk out wondering why you voluntarily allowed it to steal 1.5 hours and ten bucks from you.


Watch the trailer . . .

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21 Responses

I hear there’s a movie coming out soon called “The Reluctant Fundamentalist” or some such nonsense about an American Moslem who reluctantly becomes a terrorist because we Americans are just so islamophobic or something.

I think you’re going to have to whip out infinity marxes for that one.

Ari Mendelson on September 2, 2012 at 12:23 am

LITTLE BIG MAN had a scene in which a man is tarred and feathered by his own sister. A WAR OF CHILDREN had a scene in which a girl is tarred and feathered by her own mother. I’m sure quite a few Western buffs can remember quite a few more trring and feathering scenes. I’m sure the pictures are lousy, though, Debbie and thank you for seeing them so I don’t have to.

Miranda Rose Smith on September 2, 2012 at 8:46 am

I’m sure quite a few Western buffs can remember quite a few more tarring and feathering scenes.


Miranda Rose Smith on September 2, 2012 at 8:48 am

Here’s a little something on tarring and feathering in American literture.

Miranda Rose Smith on September 2, 2012 at 8:58 am

Here’s a little something on tarring and feathering in American literature.

Miranda Rose Smith on September 2, 2012 at 8:58 am


Miranda Rose Smith on September 2, 2012 at 9:04 am

The reviews I read on Killer Joe sounded positive…trashy, but positive.

Steve Epps on September 2, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Steve, a rating of NC-17 tells you that a film either has over the top violence or extremely graphic sexual content. A rating of that sort is usually avoided by a filmmaker at all costs. Also, a film where a hitman is given a mentally retarded girl for sexual pleasure(as pre-payment on a hit)is not sometning a normal person would find positive. It is one step above producing a “snuff” picture.

    Worry01 on September 3, 2012 at 12:56 am

Your weekly movie reviews seem to always describe at least one sex-depraved scene. I’ll stick to Bogart, Hepburn, John Wayne and Loretta Young. They didn’t need to do things like that.

Little Al on September 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

DS you are spot-on about “Killer Joe”. My curiosity got the better of me and I saw it even thou’ my greater lucidity said maybe NOT. I was working were it played for one more day and bit the bullet. I should have shot myself in the foot with that dumb bullet. I felt cheap and disgusted after the movie was done and was looking for a time machine.

I have not like McConaghey since his weirdo naked bongos incident. He just creeps me out and I just go “blah”. This movie did not help the matter and I may avoid all he does. Gina Gershon is ponderous. Why ANYONE would agree to do what she did in that film just leaves me thunderstruck. I felt her last shred of dignity was burned to pitch. And she didn’t have much left in my view. She is just central casting for rough trade. Something NOT to be proud about.

I am disappointed in “Lawless”. I like John Hillcoat’s “The Road” and “The Proposition” (a fine Guy Pearce film written by my favourite Australian Nick Cave!!) and I had high hopes for it. Guy Pearce, Gary Oldman and Tom Hardy…how could it go wrong? But of course it did. Disappointing. But then again with Shia LeBouf, who has all the charisma of a recycled toilet paper roll, prolly made it crappy beyond redemption. Gosh, I’d rather gargle warthog vomit than have to watch that screwy munchkin.

I hope he felt like a fool that as a Yank he couldn’t even handle a southern accent when two brits (Oldman and Hardy) and an Aussie (Guy Pearce) can do the job…and they can do other ones as well. Anyway, I will wait for the free cable airing. I wondered if that August release date would mean a moribund film. With the cast (minus loser LeBouf) and Hillcoat I had loftier hopes.

Great reviews! Love reading even about crappy flicks!

Skunky on September 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Thanks for the reviews Debbie. We stopped going to movies years ago. Just JUNK coming out to brainwash us and we refuse to support them.

Fred on September 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Skunky, you asking about Gershon’s dignity. You do remember she was in Showgirls?

I will never understand how shia LaPoof is regarded as some big time actor.

I’m just glad football season is here!!!

Jeff_W on September 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Jeff_W she was also in “The Wrestler” playing another used up slag. Like I said she is just CC rough trade.

Skunky on September 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Hey, I just saw “Headhunter” on Time Warner. Subtitled Sweedish flick.

Pretty doggone good I thought.

chuck on September 2, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Shia Labeouf is now promoting a movie called Nymphomaniac in which he says the actors will have real sex. Wonderful, we now have Transporners, actors with no souls who morph from the appearance of legitimate Hollywood actors and actresses into porn actors (and sometimes morph back – i.e. Chloe Sevigny). The increasingly pornographic bent of Hollywood is a sign of the advanced moral degeneration and rot of its members – producers, directors and actors. This bent goes hand in hand with the increasingly anti-American, anti-Christian, and anti-Israel tone of movies produced today. Hollywood will eventually collapse, as Americans will not waste their money on this crap. If Obama is re-elected, watch him propose funding for saving Hollywood.

Concerned Citizen on September 2, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    That is correct CC. You reminded me of that. The British papers had snaps of he and his bimbo “girlfriend” weeping on the sidewalk because of his role in that DISGUSTING Lars von Trier (a fake name for a fake and POS nutter!) vehicle.

    I thought of it when I went to see “Killer Joe” because apparently, these f***wit “actors” think getting their porn on is now high-art. Those with a brain know these losers are just being the slaggy whores they really are. And only a no-talent nothing like Shia LeBeouf would think he was transcending his craft in an edifying way by allowing himself to work with Nazi lover Lars von Trier. Those in the know laugh and point at the pointless LeBeouf because he is being led by a zAnY, mental-cased gone starkers nutter! Jokes on the dope LeBeouf!

    And McConaughey and Gershon did that in “Killer Joe” too. What a pile of vomited cat sick that was! Embarrassing.

    Thanks for also pointing out that slag Chloe Sevigny. That fraud has been fooling all the dumb peeps (same ones taken in by that OBVIOUS fraud JT LeRoy.) Hipsters are stupid idiots and should be used as serial killer or Jihadi bait! She always gets kudos for being hip and edgy when she is unattractive and has the fashion style of a blind and mildly retard chimpanzee!

    Skunky on September 2, 2012 at 10:45 pm

    You seem to specialize in mindless generalities. As for “Lawless,” it’s based on a very real set of events in Franklin County, Virginia. And it’s got some brilliant actors. The trailer is enticing enough.

    Seek on September 4, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Too bad Rashida Jones is not playing a Jewish black woman, which is what she is.

dee on September 3, 2012 at 12:21 am

    Thank you for your gratuitous anti-semitic comment Dee. With you, there is no learning curve.

    Worry01 on September 3, 2012 at 12:58 am

Uh…. how is it anti-Semitic? Rashida Jones is both black and a practicing Jew in real life, and I think it would be cool if she played an explicitly Jewish black woman in a movie. Why is that anti-Semitic?

D: Rashida Jones is NOT a practicing Jew, but you keep tellin’ yourself that. Regardless, doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not a movie is anti-Semitic. Ever heard of self-hating Jews? DS

dee on September 3, 2012 at 5:50 am

For the first time in ages I went to the movies this weekend.

Saw Expendables 2. Eh, decent for a time waster. It’s just…there. Very violent and bloody. Main complaint is them wasting one of my crushes, Charisma Carpenter who is still major hot in her 40s. Did every actor in this film have a facelift? I’m talking about the guys, because they all had these tight faces with their eyes so tight, even one of my favorites Chuck Norris.

Snuck over to see the first 10 minutes of the Total Recall remake. Almost worth it to see Kate Beckinsale’s super nice booty in her underwear. The movie looked boring. Colin Farrell is a major step down from in his prime Arnold.

Saw Dark Knight Rises. I pretty much loved it as I love just about anything with Christopher Nolan. It definitely is wayyyyy too long and very slow. A complaint I’ve heard many make and I agree with, sometimes you can’t understand what Bain is saying. But, I loved the ending and other parts. Not a perfect movie, but I still loved it in spite of some flaws.

Jeff_W on September 4, 2012 at 10:28 am

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