November 9, 2012, - 4:03 pm
When I returned home from the screening of “Skyfall,” earlier this week, I purchased the domain names BondIsNotBlond.com and JamesBondIsNotBlond.com. They’ll take you to my very first take on Daniel Craig as James Bond. My views haven’t changed. He’s puny, effeminate and way too thin in others. And he’s blond, despite the fact that Sir Ian Fleming’s James Bond was dark and swarthy.
And it doesn’t help that the villain in this latest Bond installment, in theaters today, manhandles Bond in a very gay way, unbuttoning his shirt, and putting his hand on Bond’s chest (to which Bond responds, “What makes you think this is my first time?”). It had an icky, in-your-face-political correctness vibe to it. But this is the new politically correct James Bond. I don’t care about race, but it’s not by accident that Moneypenny is now a Black chick and the villain is a weird, bleach blond gay freak (Javier Bardem), who looks like the Wikileaks dude on steroids. The only really cool part was when he removes half of his jaw from his face–not for the faint-hearted, but no biggie if you watch superhero movies. And like America and the rest of the West in this Obama era, the plot is dumbed down beyond the dumbing down you normally get in a Bond plot.
Bond has a scruffy goatee for about half of the movie, and it’s just not Bond-esque. James Bond is classy AND clean shaven. But not here. We’re forced to learn more of the sensitive, metrosexual man stuff, learning about what “makes Bond the way he is,” and it’s your typical Lifetime movie of the week deal in which his parents were killed when he was young. Oh, and their names were Andrew and Monique Delacroix Bond. Really? Is that what Ian Fleming wrote about? I don’t think so.
The story: James Bond is in Turkey, trying to get a mysterious list from a villain named Patrice. The list turns out to be the list of every undercover operative working for the West in terrorist groups. But Bond is shot down in friendly fire, on orders from “M.” He falls into the water and is presumed drowned and dead. But we know that would never happen or there would be no James Bond movies left. So you know that soon he’ll reappear alive–not exactly a spoiler. Soon “M” and MI6 are targeted through computer viruses and bombings. And the motivation of the villain, “Silver” (Bardem), is silly and not believable.
I’m sure the Bond fanboys will kill me for saying so, but I found this Bond to be either the worst of the three Daniel Craig Bond movies, or a close tie with the absurd “Quantum of Solace.” It was slow and boring. There isn’t nearly as much action and cool cars as you’re used to in a typical Bond movie. In fact, there’s just one cool car, and it’s a throwback. There aren’t even any cool gadgets. The ones that the new, young “Q” gives Bond are blah. And the Bond girls, which are there for the male Bond fans, well, there are only two of them (not counting Moneypenny), and they’re barely there.
The movie is a half-assed Bond movie. I feel like the Broccolis, who hold tight to the franchise, phoned it in to fill their bank accounts with more cash. Even the theme song by Adele was crappy.
I was excited for this movie and expected more. I got less. If you’re wondering about the title, Skyfall is the name of Bond’s childhood manor in Scotland (and it was funny how neither he nor the Scotsman who lived in the home had Scottish accents). I know—who cares?
One other thing: execs of now-Muslim-owned Aston Martin (who used sharia to stiff creditors attended the screening, and they had several modern Aston Martins parked outside the theater as a promotion. The cars were so unimpressive compared to the old-style versions in Bond movies of the past. These new cars looked like Japanese imports or semi-Corvettes. More cheesy than sleek and chick.
And that’s kinda how I view this latest Bond flick. It’s mildly entertaining but just doesn’t hold a candle to what we’ve come to expect from James Bond. But it’s a letdown, and I’m being generous when I give it . . .
Watch the trailer . . .
Tags: Albert Brocolli, Andrew Bond, Aston Martin, Bond is Not Blond, Broccoli family, Daniel Craig, James Bond, James Bond is Not Blond, Javier Bardem, M, Moneypenny, Monique Delacroix Bond, Scotland, Silver, Skyfall, Skyfall movie, Skyfall movie review, Skyfall review