August 30, 2013, - 6:57 pm

Wknd Box Office: Closed Circuit, Getaway, The Spectacular Now

By Debbie Schlussel

This Labor Day holiday weekend features a selection of new movies at theaters chock full of 9/11 conspiracy theories, over-hyped liberal BS, and a lot of waste of your time. It does not include any good movies, however. Note that I did not see “The Grandmaster,” which has gotten good reviews and probably warrants them. I will try to see that over the weekend and add my review. Here’s what I did see:

closedcircuitgetaway

spectacularnow

* “Closed Circuit“: An absurd 9/11 conspiracy theory fantasy thriller that is neither thrilling nor believable. But I’m sure the Ron Paulistinians and the one-third of dummies across America who are 9/11 Truthers will just love it (so will the Edward Snowden groupies). It’s kind of their wet dream, and it’s incredibly slow and boring.






The story: there is a terrorist bombing in a downtown London market that is on the scale of the 9/11 Islamic terrorist attacks in terms of deaths and destruction. It leaves a large hole in downtown London similar to the hole left by the 9/11 attacks in New York City. The bombing is apparently committed by Islamic terrorists, and the Arab Muslim who is arrested as the leader of the cell and planner of the attacks is represented by a British defense attorney played by Rebecca Hall. She and her new boss, Eric Bana, are former lovers.

Soon Hall and Bana discover that the terror cell leader, Hall’s client, is actually an MI5 agent and that the British government was in on the whole terrorist attack. Because the government knows they are on to this, it pursues and tries to murder Hall, Bana, and their witnesses and destroy evidence. The British government also murders the New York Times London bureau chief, who is looking into the case. Right, as if that happens. Or as if Western governments are that crafty and competent (see Edward Snowden, who is now living happily in Mother Russia–and, unfortunately, no one from the West is trying to assassinate him).

Another absurdity: the key witness against the Islamic terrorist/MI5 agent is his Arab Muslim son. Like that ever happens. Like Arab Muslim sons actually turn over their Islamic terrorist fathers to Western governments. Show me just one example of that.

Like I said, I found this ludicrous movie to be long, slow, and boring. And a waste of time.

It should be noted that star Eric Bana has a thing for making movies sympathizing with Islamic terrorists and denouncing Western governments who go after them. He starred in “Munich” (read my review), Steven Spielberg’s tribute for wimpitude and capitulation, in which Bana plays a Mossad agent who is upset that he’s made a career of killing the Munich Olympic terrorists who slaughtered the Israeli Olympic Team in 1972. The message is that this begets more terrorism and that it’s simply bloodshed that is morally equivalent with the Islamic terrorists. When that movie, not surprisingly, bombed at the box office, the bitter, left-wing Aussie Bana attacked mye and the few other critics who criticized the movie as “hijackers”. That should tell you a lot about who he is, where he stands, and the kind of crappy movies he makes.

Skip this.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR BIN LADENS
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Watch the trailer . . .

* “Getaway: More like, Stay Away. The purposes of this movie are to 1) reward Selena Gomez for sleeping with Justin Bieber and show the world what a talentless hack (whose “acting” is even worse than her “singing”) can get for performing that “service,” and 2) to give Ethan Hawke a paycheck. Yes, Jon Voight is in this, too, mostly as a voice. There is one glimpse of his face at the end. But I’ll forgive the guy–who is a mensch and mostly does good work–for this “endeavor,” clearly just a paycheck for him, too.

I’ve never seen a movie so chock full of action and car chases that was this boring. It’s basically a repetitive, way too long car chase for the entire movie, literally from even before the starting credits roll. The story is dumb, especially when you find out the “motive” of the evildoer at the end.

The story: Ethan Hawke is a washed up, burned out race car driver. He is living in Sofia, Bulgaria, where his wife is from. She’s been kidnapped by someone, and he doesn’t know who the kidnapper is, why his wife has been kidnapped, or anything at all about the motives here. Hawke is forced by the kidnapper (the voice of Jon Voight) to drive a high powered sports car throughout Sofia and to crash into Christmas displays, revelers on the street, and police cars, while evading the police in high-speed chases throughout the movie. Gomez tries to carjack the car, which turns out to be hers. She is also the daughter of an American president of an investment bank, and she has a ton of knowledge about cars and is a high tech genius (yeah, that’s believable . . . not). Together, they go on the high speed car chases so that the kidnapper won’t kill Hawke’s wife.

Spoiler alert (though, it’s hard to see how you can “spoil” a movie that’s already rotten to the core): in the end, we learn that the whole reason the kidnapper–who is some sort of European mob kingpin–did this is because he’s a fan of Hawke and wants to energize him to restart his racing career. Huh?

Don’t waste your time with this.

TWO MARXES
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Watch the trailer . . .

* “The Spectacular Now“: Spectacularly annoying and a spectacular waste of time. Mainstream liberal movie critics are all raving and gushing over this. And yet, the celluloid emperor wears no clothes. I found this movie to be long, boring, and incredibly pointless. On top of that, it glorifies popular kids who are losers and creeps. And this is great because . . . ?

This movie, billed as THE “teen angst” movie of 2013, stars Miles Teller, possibly the most over-rated, arrogant, and singularly talentless young male star out there. The movie is being billed as one that shows a popular kid becoming a nice guy after he dates an unpopular girl and changes his tune. But that doesn’t actually happen in this movie.

Teller plays himself–an obnoxious kid–in every movie in which he’s featured. In this, he plays the popular kid in school. He does drugs, drinks a lot, is a horrible student who is failing, and he’s having a lot of sex with his blonde girlfriend, who eventually breaks up with him and hooks up with the star Black football player. So Teller meets and starts hitting on a nice, less attractive, unpopular girl who is the daughter of a single mother. The girl, Shailene Woodley, is poor (she and her mother deliver newspapers to help pay the bills) and a virgin. So Tell sleeps with her, then tells all of his friends he’s not “dating” her because he doesn’t want to be seen as being with the unpopular girl. He treats her like crap after that. And they both end up at the same college. The end.

Wow, the movie of the year.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR OBAMAS
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Watch the trailer . . .

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21 Responses

I think it is pretty sad when you work and play in Afghanistan and you can get all these movies either right when they come out or sometimes even before (due to pirating) but don’t want to waste the dollar they charge you because they are all just utter crap. I can’t remember the last time I even bought a bootleg haji movie, probably back in Jan or Feb…

Jim from Texas on August 31, 2013 at 10:07 am

What a craptacular weekend for movie zombies who love horrible pap. A cement wall and drinking warm water is more an entertaining time than these stinkers. (Enjoyable reviews thou’!)

Didn’t know that about Eric Bana. The only movie I ever saw him in was “Chopper”. It was ok. About a very bad Australian whose legend is weirdly still beloved even thou’ he’s a very bad dude. Anyway, most yanks have not seen it. I get very disappointed by left-wing Aussies. Bung him on the list!

Selena Gomez couldn’t carjack one of those ubiquitous Fisher Price looking yellow and red toddler cars you see in everyone’s backyard! She doesn’t annoy me like Viley Vyrus but only because she is bland, bland, bland to me. All that brown (eyes, hair, round tomato head…) just looks like a boring pile of dog crap to me. The fact that she’s enamored by a lesbian-looking, arrogant dweeb like JB just affirms my ennui. Yuck!

And that last movie! I’m so sure EVERYONE wants to relive the horror of pube-y high school hell…and if that guy is the “leading man” when the hell did a hot dude start looking like an amalgamation of Larry Bird, Tweety Bird and bird-faced Helen Hunt?? No thanks, Hollyweird. You suck!!

Skunky on August 31, 2013 at 11:48 am

    “….when the hell did a hot dude start looking like an amalgamation of Larry Bird, Tweety Bird and bird-faced Helen Hunt?”

    LOLing. Beautifully described.

    DS_ROCKS! on August 31, 2013 at 12:15 pm

      Thank you, DS_Rocks. It’s one thing to be a crappy film but another to pass off an ugly dude as a hot one! Boy, have standards fallen!

      Skunky on August 31, 2013 at 1:05 pm

        Skunky, I am glad that Debbie does these reviews. Closed Circuit and the other sludge that is offered is not worth a bag of stale popcorn.

        I would like to leave you with something more pleasant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKXORmI9q9s

        It is a little different. :)

        Worry01 on August 31, 2013 at 5:00 pm

          That was lovely, Worry. I loved everything about that link. Gothic church, big cloudy sky and the music.

          I have been a fan of movie reviews for a long time. I do also love films but they are so bad today I almost forget what a fan I am and it’s been replaced (in my concern) with the art of film reviewing. Still one of my favourite forms of writing and DS does it very well.

          Skunky on August 31, 2013 at 5:07 pm

Seeing the ads for “Closed Circuit” I knew from the get-go that the plot would be muslims being framed for a terrorist attack. Hollywood is so predictable. G-d forbid Hollywood actually portrayed reality and made a movie in which muslims were really the ones committing acts of terrorism.

Laura on August 31, 2013 at 12:00 pm

Wow, Debbie. You took three for the team this week. I’ll be skipping these for sure.

And… “Yes, Jon Voight is in this, too, mostly as a voice. There is one glimpse of his face at the end. But I’ll forgive the guy–who is a mensch and mostly does good work.”

Definitely. Gotta love Voight.

DS_ROCKS! on August 31, 2013 at 12:13 pm

What’s a nice girl doing with a jerk like that?

Panhandle on August 31, 2013 at 1:39 pm

So Debbie what you’re saying is this will be another Redbox weekend. Suits me just fine.

I really didn’t know that Eric Bana was a leftwing nutcase. I should’ve known because the movie Hulk was a stupid movie as far as superhero flicks. I was actually rooting for General Ross in that one. Closed Circuit is more like short circuit for me.

I can’t stand Ethan Hawke and I really don’t like Selena Gomez. Maybe because like Debbie said she dated that girly man Bieber. Seriously I think that she was the man in that relationship. Getaway is more like go far far away.

Miles Teller in the last movie remindes me of another arrogant no talent hack Mark Wahlberg. What a pair of double douches those two would make in a movie.

Like I said Redbox here I come. Debbie, Skunky, DS ROCKS you guys have a safe and enjoyable holiday weekend.

Ken B on August 31, 2013 at 5:30 pm

“Another absurdity: the key witness against the Islamic terrorist/MI5 agent is his Arab Muslim son. Like that ever happens. Like Arab Muslim sons actually turn over their Islamic terrorist fathers to Western governments. Show me just one example of that.”

Debbie, that’s what I call a work of fiction.

Rodrigo Veleda on August 31, 2013 at 8:46 pm

I’m guessing that the purpose of the spectacular now is to make unpopular creeps who wind up in the same position as Miles Teller at the end of the movie feel like there is really no difference between them and the popular kids except a plot twist.
Haven’t seen the movie so maybe wrong, maybe right.

Anyway nobody would go to see the movie if Teller played himself from the beginning. If we only glimpse reality at the end we don’t have to spend 90 minutes in a movie theater with it.
We do get to leave feeling we’ve been on a journey and learned something though.

Wunderbar.

I can go home and microwave some popcorn now.

Frankz on September 1, 2013 at 9:06 am

No more good acting “stars” in Hollywood anymore. Just trash. And all of the movies have leftist scripts that praise Muslims, make white males look bad and they hate the America that used to be. The enemy have taken over the media, courts, govt. positions and so on. So I say BOYCOTT all movies and watch Turner Classic Movies.

Most movies are car chases, cute one liners and then more so called “action”. Just watch the movies from the 1940’s and 50’s to see what we have lost as far as movie making.

Fred on September 1, 2013 at 11:14 am

Its interesting. This summer is proving that explicitly leftist movies bomb at the box office. This summer has been loaded with more leftist crap than I can count. Almost without exception they bomb. The only directer that can make pop-Marxism work is James Cameron. The movies Debbie reviewed this week are all flops.

Jack on September 1, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Glad I have some good Blurays on reserve. Watching “A Bridge Too Far” for the 8th time I think. So many good parts. I favor the role James Caan plays and the part where he pulls a .45 on the arrogant and dismissive surgeon after getting his friend to the field hospital. Great. Probably didn’t happen, but great. Not a big Ryan O’neal fan but hey.

samurai on September 1, 2013 at 5:29 pm

Off topic, but I wish all the religious Jews on this website a happy, healthy, peaceful, prosperous New Year.

Miranda Rose Smith on September 3, 2013 at 5:31 am

i live off of obscure VHS and indies from netflix. i can’t believe that people make a living producing these garbage fests in Hollywood. and people actually gobble it up.

the fog on September 4, 2013 at 4:26 am

Debbie, I think it is time to “cleanse the palate,” so to speak. may I suggest two incredibly cheesy movies for you to get on DVD or on-line.

Riff-Trax has a download of “The Mesa of Lost Women,” starring Jackie Coogan playing a mad scientist who makes Spider Women. The true glory of this film ,though, is the manic guitar soundtrack which Ed Wood stole entire for his classic work, “Jailbait.” A true piece of bad cinema.

Or, if films featuring 2 Foot Nine Inch Martial Arts midgets wearing John Travolta White Suits while evidencing no change in facial expression throughout the movie are more your cup of tea, might I suggest Weng-Weng in “For Y’ur Height Only.” I must admit, the sight of the hero hiding behind fireplugs to fend off bullets is just too cool—along with his specially designed motor cycles, sub machine guns, and, of course, model babes falling all over him.

Have a Sunday watching those movies, Debbie, and you will feel better.

Occam's Tool on September 5, 2013 at 1:44 am

By the way, Debbie, the correct term for Ron Paul cultists is “Paulistas,” or my favorite: “Ronulans.” You’re welcome.

Occam's Tool on September 5, 2013 at 1:46 am

Well, you’re shading your bias against “Closed Circuit” a little too harshly: the terrorist WAS a terrorist (and heroin addict) who MI5 believed they had turned, so they allowed him to infiltrate a known London terrorist cell in order to prevent a bombing. But, either he double-crossed MI5, or the cell double-crossed the terrorist, or MI5 was just stupid, but the bombing plot went to is murderous conclusion. And then MI5 got involved in a murderous cover-up, which Bana and babe, former mistress, kinda co-counsel hope to expose.

That being said, the movie was such a waste of time, I couldn’t work myself to be upset with its politics, because I was upset with how lazy the whole thing was. Julie Stiles needed to pay her mortgage and the producers needed a name, because no one is going to see an Eric Bana movie, so she appears, looking like Julie Stiles pretending to play a reporter, tells Bana information which is pretty much the whole plot, and then gets killed off camera. I’m thinking one day for the dinner shoot, another for the jogging scene, and then back to L.A. Nice work if you can get it.

The instant – THE INSTANT – I saw Bana’s assistant (not Rebecca Hall, whose acting skills seem limited to having really nice, natural lips) I knew he was in on the MI5 cover-up. The whole movie was like that, one cliche after another.

When movies are bad like this and appear designed to make a quick buck the cheapest way possible, my mind wanders and I like to figure out how few locations the producers use to make the movie. They interspersed Eric Bana sculling on the Thames all throughout the movie: on the water, by himself, with his son, with his son and ex-wife, with Rebecca Hall. It’s as if the actors were lined up behind the director, waiting for their scene to go next: “Okay, fine, fine. Kid, get out of there. Hall, quick, stand next to Bana and look worried. Kid, put on another shirt. We’ll do your next scene in a minute.”

Finally, the movie has almost nothing to do with electronic surveillance.

gmartinz on September 5, 2013 at 11:44 am

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