February 13, 2015, - 8:51 am

Wknd Box Office: Fifty Shades of Grey, Kingsman: The Secret Service

By Debbie Schlussel

I can only recommend one of the two new movies in theaters, this weekend. Hint: it’s not the one glamorizing sex slavery and physical abuse of women. Many readers have asked where my movie reviews from last weekend are. I had many issues with this website last week. The site ate my reviews and I had to start over, and by the time I did, it was time for the Jewish Sabbath. So I’ll try to post those later today. Stay tuned. In the meantime, there are these new ones:

fiftyshadesofgreythekingsman

* “Fifty Shades of Grey“: It’s hard to take seriously the NFL’s claimed opposition to domestic abuse against women, especially since the League approved ads which ran during the Super Bowl promoting this lame, boring two-hour excuse for promotion of sex slavery and domestic violence. This painful-to-watch movie pimped women on this idea for two hours: ugly, mousy women can nab billionaires and live the good life . . . if they only submit to being hit, handcuffed, tortured, and treated like animals. Hey, it worked for Melanie Griffith’s and Don Johnson’s unattractive daughter, Dakota Johnson, who plays Anastasia Steele, the naive idiot who stars in this movie and accepts being tortured. Heck, she’s “empowering” herself by negotiating what objects she agrees can and will be inserted into and clamped on to her. Yay, Grrrlpower! My favorite line amidst the equally dumb dialogue throughout: “Um, what’s a butt plug?” Yup, welcome to American “culture” in the Kartrashian Age.







This movie is creepy, boring, degrading, and just plain awful. Fifty Shades of Incredibly Stupid. The “acting” is hilarious, but the lines in the movie are even more so. Every ghost of dead starving artist writers consigned to penning anonymous Harlequin Romances in the ’70s is turning over in her grave. They all missed their time in the sun and chance at earning $100 million, the reported haul of fat chick middle-aged writer E.L. James, who wrote the silly “novels” on which this movie is based. Oh, and did I mention that this is just the first of three Fifty Shades movies? Suffer three times as much over several years.

Last week, I asked if you think this movie will outsell “American Sniper” in the long run? To the naysayers, I think you overestimate the taste of American women. As I noted, all three of the Fifty Shades “books” dominate the list of the top 10 best selling adult fiction books in America for the last eleven years. Remember, each one of these three books alone outsold Chris Kyle’s “American Sniper.” Like I said, American women like sex slavery and torture even more than ISIS does. And the American feminist movement has been equally, hypocritically silent on those two things: Islam’s treatment of women and “Fifty Shades of Grey’s” treatment of women.

I think I’ve written this before, but I cannot wait for the day that a man who has beaten or tortured a woman uses the “Fifty Shades of Grey” defense. “She asked for it” now has a new meaning because now, in many cases, specifically because this book glamorized it, she did ask for it. Hey, if I were Ray Rice, I’d use that defense and ask my employer why they promote this stuff and yet tell me I’m bad for doing a lot less.

The “story”: a mousy, unattractive soon-to-be college graduate in Oregon meets a young, twisted, mentally ill billionaire who hates romance and loves his women in chains and handcuffs and strapped to torture devices while he violently beats them. She is dazzled by the billionaire’s good looks and agrees to this lifestyle while pretending to vacillate back and forth about it. Soon, she is being beaten and forced to sleep in a separate room after having sex and beatings, while being tied up to contraptions.

I hate-hate-hated this “movie.” I’ve never seen so many boring sex scenes in a row. They seemed clinical at best. In fact, it was so boring, I even fell asleep during the first sex scene of the movie. Didn’t miss much. The two actors in this movie have zero chemistry, and the story is just plain dumb. And how many close-ups of this ugly woman biting her lip did I need? It’s headache inducing. So were the repetitive close-ups of this woman’s nipple. Yes, this is porn. No question about that. And it’s boring, sleep-inducing, dumb-as-heck porn. Um, no thanks.

It’s interesting but no surprise that middle-aged fat chicks filled the audience at the promo showing of this which I attended. That’s the “prized” demo who made the books a hit. These are the hags who were 30-somethings when “Sex & the City” was on TV. And now they’ve graduated to this similarly sleazy vapidity with higher creep and violence factors. That’s who’s going to see this movie. No date for Valentine’s Day, so they will hit the theaters instead to see their imaginary non-existent lover, Christian Grey. It’s a fantasy about glamor for the unglamorous. And the fantasy involves getting beaten and tortured and whipped.

Remember those old cigarette ads for “Virginia Slims”? The slogan was, “You’ve come a long way, baby.” Indeed.

Yay, feminism. Yay, women. Yay, America. You love domestic abuse, so long as it’s packaged in the right wrapper. Bleeping Morons.

FOUR MARXES PLUS FOUR BETTY FRIEDANS PLUS FOUR ISIS BEHEADINGS
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Watch the trailer . . .

* “Kingsman: The Secret Service“: This was a decent movie. I liked it, other than the couple of anal sex jokes, which were unnecessary and ruined what was otherwise a fun and funny movie for me. I also could have done without the scene at a church in Kentucky, where all of the churchgoers are openly racist bigots. Yes, it resembles the Westboro Baptist Church (not in Kentucky), but made no effort to say this is a fringe church and not representative of all Christians. Where was the racist, bigoted mosque? Won’t ever happen in a mainstream Hollywood movie.

This movie has everything the modern-day James Bond movies lack (and that the old ones had): lots of great gadgets, guns, funny lines, hot women, action, and political incorrectness galore. All of the liberal celebrities and politicians, including Barack Obama, are killed in this movie. Their heads literally explode. And the villain is an effeminate Black hip-hop-esque billionaire (Samuel L. Jackson) devoted to stopping global warming. In fact, he is so devoted to that cause that he believes most humans must be destroyed and eliminated from planet Earth in order to stop global warming (except for a select few he’s chosen to survive because they are celebrities and politicians and obey what he commands). He wants to take the “man” out of “manmade global warming.” I’m shocked, really, that the Hollywoodites allowed this movie to get made and distributed.

The story: there’s a secret organization made up of secret agents who work to fight and destroy evil in the world. It’s a private, England-based organization, “The Kingsmen.” It’s headed by Michael Caine, and one of its top agents is played by the dapper Colin Firth (UPDATE: beware of his anti-Israel, anti-Semitic ties–see comment from reader Susan, below), who wears impeccable, bulletproof bespoke suits. Firth recruits Eggsy, the loser teen son of one of his late fellow Kingsmen. Eggsy lives in the projects, hangs out with street thugs, wears hip-hop-style clothing, and keeps getting into trouble and petty crime. His mother lives with a violent boyfriend who beats her, and she has given birth to his baby.

Firth sets out to convince Eggsy that there is something more for him in life as a Kingsman if he only applies himself. Eggsy is training and auditioning to become the next Kingsman and help Firth fight the evil billionaire and stop him from destroying humanity. Firth uses a men’s clothing store, “Kingsman,” as his cover. The evil billionaire has an equally evil female assistant who has no legs. Instead, she walks and runs on blades and uses them to stab, maim, and murder people. A barely recognizable Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker of “Star Wars” fame) is in this movie as a bearded professor.

Some of the movie is dumb, but it’s mostly funny and a parody of Bond movies and British TV’s “The Avengers.” If you appreciate it for what it is, you’ll enjoy it. It’s filled with four-letter words, and there are those two unwanted anal sex jokes. So, it’s not for kids.

TWO-AND-A-HALF REAGANS
reagancowboyreagancowboyhalfreagan

Watch the trailer . . .

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48 Responses

No surprise, Dakota Johnson, in one of the magazines promoting this thinly disguised porn movie calling itself “Fifty Shades of Grey,” essentially said women should do whatever they wanted (and pleased) with their bodies. Some “empowerment.” I’ve heard that same argument from pro-abortion extremists.

Oh, and the cigarette brand that pushed that “You’ve come a long way, baby” line was Virginia Slims.

ConcernedPatriot on February 13, 2015 at 9:37 am

    Well CP, I’m none too familiar with Dakota Johnson, nor I don’t care too much for Fifty Shades of Grey either (I’ve read erotic novels due to me being bored with adult-films, etc.), but a woman’s body is her own only, and NOT anyone else (and this is why I’m pro-choice in this regard, which is not compatible to abortion, both men and women can do whatever they want with his or her own body), if the woman’s body belongs to another party, then it’s “rape 101” which I don’t condone.

    Sean R. on February 13, 2015 at 3:12 pm

I’ve never seen a major studio film where a sitting US president:
1) is involved in a conspiracy to kill most of the world’s population
2) has his head explode on screen

Kingsman features both.

Something tells me that if it was a Republican president, you and other conservative commentators would have gone after this film, and then some.

Isn’t it extremely inappropriate and disrespectful for a major film to treat a current American president this way? Regardless of how you feel about his politics?

A: When they killed President Bush in the movie “Death of a President” in 2006, did you complain? Did anyone in the mainstream media? No. What’s good for the goose . . . . DS

Anonymouse on February 13, 2015 at 9:45 am

    No, because Obama sucks

    Hopewell on February 13, 2015 at 10:07 am

    Death of a President:
    1. Wasn’t a major studio release (it never played in more than 143 theaters in the U.S.)

    2. Didn’t say Bush was involved in plans to kill billions of people

    And of course there were many complaints about Death of a President – which is why we’re talking about it right now, considering the film would have otherwise faded into obscurity.

    I’m conservative myself and not an Obama supporter. Just this week, I found his comments about the “random” shootings in Paris in bad taste

    But with all that, I thought that Kingsman (otherwise well made and entertaining) was extremely distasteful and offensive to Americans with that subplot (especially considering that, on the other hand, they used a fictional Swedish Prime Minister by name).

    Anonymouse on February 13, 2015 at 10:11 am

      Mouse, stop being so annoying. Bush continues to be accused of killing millions of innocents (Bush lied, people died), and his assasination was publicly approved of by liberals everywhere.

      skzion on February 13, 2015 at 10:19 am

      Yeah right Anonymous conservative for a day guy. This is the self same president whose administration called Netanyahu a “chickenshit”.
      That’s not insulting to Israel at all right?
      Besides it’s just a movie isn’t it?
      It’s not like crazy Muslims are throwing shoes at Obama’s head in interviews is it?

      thatsallfolks on February 13, 2015 at 12:57 pm

The Kingsman’s plot reminds me a bit of Team America.

skzion on February 13, 2015 at 10:16 am

Yeah I bet there will be a slew of guys now trying to get their girlfriends/wives to sign some kind of S&M release form (ahem, I mean “contract”). Hey do you think they’ll add that to LegalZoom.com? LOL

I immediately pegged the Kingsman as a Bond-like send-up since the Bond movies won’t do it anymore. But I didn’t think it was going to be good, so thanks for the tip! As for killing the President in the movie, hey man….freedom of speech! Besides, that’s no more likely than an actual British guy personally funding a secret society to combat evil.

Sean M on February 13, 2015 at 10:51 am

    “Freedom of speech” – That’s a legal term. I didn’t say the scenes were legally wrong and the film should be banned by the government.

    I said they were morally wrong and offensive to the U.S.

    Anonymouse on February 13, 2015 at 11:18 am

      When was the last time Obama rushed to America’s defence when offensive statements about the US?

      The only people that rush to America’s defence these days are the self same conservatives Obama disses and lies to everyday so I guess he’s out of luck isn’t he?

      Just because conservatives actually have some standards doesn’t mean you’re smart enough to hack them Anonymous wannabe.

      thatsallfolks on February 13, 2015 at 1:22 pm

      *offensive statements were made about the US*

      thatsallfolks on February 13, 2015 at 1:23 pm

      your hack sucks because you suck and BTW so does Anonymous. Bunch of amateurs

      thatsallfolks on February 13, 2015 at 1:26 pm

      Not offensive to me.

      MRobs on February 13, 2015 at 2:24 pm

You do know that most extreme radical leftist/anarchists/earth firsters actually do believe that all human civilization must be undone and that we need to return to unmechanized, no computing, no medicine, organic natural life. Eight billion less people, life expectancy of 35 years etc. Of course they will decide who the lucky, plucky survivors will be, nothing could go wrong there.

ghilmeini on February 13, 2015 at 10:53 am

When I was a young man I saw the film “Story Of O” base on the anonymous French novel.

It covers much the same ground as “Fifty Shades Of Gray” – but it made me think about love, sex, pain and slavery in depth and why a human being would submit to such degradation.

In the novel, not the film – the introduction discusses a curious incident in Haiti in which people, after having vent their rage on their white masters, returned to the condition they ostensibly found so appalling.

The conclusion I arrived at is that freedom is not the natural state of man. If this new film’s popularity is any indication, we love submission, degradation and mistreatment at the hands of others – or at least in this case women want men to do all those kinds of things to them.

How enlightened are we over the Islamic State barbarians? It appears to be only a matter of degree, not really about principle. Welcome to the United States Of America in the 21st Century.

NormanF on February 13, 2015 at 11:52 am

Debbie, I should warn you and your fans about Firth’s anti Israel pro Palestinian connections. He co wrote a book called The People Speak with Anthony Arnove, a leading antisemetic, anti Zionist self hating Jewish writer and academic. He is a disciple and co author of Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn and has written innumerable tracts calling for the destruction of Israel and the return of Israel to Palistinians. Among Arnove’s books is If Not For Myself: Journey of an Anti Zionist Jew. Yep, that’s the title of Firth’s friend and co-author’s book. Here is a petition Arnove joined in in support of the Palestinian Right of Return. http://www.thestruggle.org/jr2r.htm Arnove and by association, Firth, is a leading campaigner of BDS Israel. https://jewishvoiceforpeace.org/campaigns/making-history-support-israeli-artists-who-say-no-normalizing-settlements-4

S: I did not know this. Thank you for bringing it to our attention. DS

Susan on February 13, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    It should be noted Yigal Arens is the brother of the esteemed Moshe Arens but he’s a rabid anti-Semite and anti-Zionist.

    NormanF on February 13, 2015 at 1:27 pm

Unfortunately, the sex movie will outsell the sniper movie.

In the future, I can see a movie about Nazi experimentaion in WWII prison camps.

The appeal of these kinds of movies is to the base insticts of human beings.

It is sick and getting sicker.

Panhandle on February 13, 2015 at 12:54 pm

    To Panhandle’s post about movies showing Nazi experiments in WW2, there is a genre called “Nazisploitation,” that depict gratuitous sex and violence against women. These movies were mostly made in Europe in the late 60’s and 70’s.

    John Doc Holliday on February 16, 2015 at 7:51 pm

I didn’t like “Sniper.” I thought it was a dull story and $hitty “acting” by Cooper. The scenes of muslims getting shot in the head were okay.

DS_ROCKS! on February 13, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    It didn’t really move me but I’m glad it did well at the box office.

    thatsallfolks on February 13, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    I saw “American Sniper” Wednesday night. I thought it was brilliant in every way — realistic in its depiction of war at ground level and what it does to people, whether in combat or back at home. And yes, it showed that you just can’t trust a Muslim, even a “friendly” one.

    Thank you, Clint Eastwood, for another masterpiece.

    Primetime on February 13, 2015 at 11:52 pm

That Bradley Cooper is a jacka$$. It’s like he’s on Thorazine in all of his roles.

DS_ROCKS! on February 13, 2015 at 1:42 pm

I’m interested on an intellectual level on how that rotten BDSM flick will do. If it does well it will confirm my summation of the devolution of female/male relationships and how dysfunctional they are in 2015. This is troublesome because our young kids are NOT growing up with stable and healthy role models. Women are skanky (prior to marriage) and emasculating ball-busters and men are wimpy, effete weaklings. There is nothing sexy about that in 2015!

It doesn’t look good that so many females are so attracted to a crap premise. A hugely unhealthy male is considered sexy by wanting to humiliate the very unattractive and latest nepotistic ladder-climber daughter of annoying celebrities. And I am glad DS has a go at the even more annoying and profoundly unattractive Pom writer of the stupid book. She’s laughing alllll the way to the bank fo’ sure! Maybe she is BDSM behind the scenes because she knows the horsesh** she is slinging is just THAT!

And give it up Smouse*. You used an inept comparison and got your butt handed back to you! Sucks to be a dope like you.

(*If you wanna know my Smouse reference just YouTube it or look for the very funny Australian show “Angry Boys”. It was enough to amuse me and that’s all I need!* :D)

Skunky on February 13, 2015 at 5:18 pm

    How is BDSM empowering to women? It is creepy. Feminists rant and rave about the “Patriarchy”, but you can bet that these same people will go out and buy a semi-literate novel like Fifty Shades of Grey and a bondaged themed Vermont Teddy Bear.

    Worry on February 13, 2015 at 8:28 pm

Skunky,

Feminists are against porn because it objectifies women as sex objects.

What is “Fifty Shades Of Grey” but torture porn that objectifies women as sex objects?

Its porn marketed as a mainstream movie.

Here’s the difference between men and women. Men who watch porn don’t pretend its anything but sex for entertainment.

Women who watch torture porn pretend its a Harlequin Romance.

And the 19th amendment gave the bleeping idiots the right to vote. Oy vey.

NormanF on February 13, 2015 at 6:16 pm

I always thought BDSM was voluntary. And its emphasis on extreme protocol and hierarchy makes it, in its own weird way, traditional.

Let’s not get carried away here. Tens of millions of American women LONG for a Christian Grey in their everyday lives — that’s kind of why they bought the book! The movie, like the book, most likely amounts to nothing more innocuous than Harlequin romance fare. I’ll let readers out there look deep into the female pysche. Freud asked the famous question: What do women want? “Fifty Shades of Grey” might help us answer that question.

Primetime on February 13, 2015 at 11:58 pm

“And the villain is an effeminate Black hip-hop-esque billionaire (Samuel L. Jackson) devoted to stopping global warming.”

So what does the fact that he agreed to appear in this movie tell you? Another famous liberal black man disillusioned with Barack H. Obama?

theShadow on February 14, 2015 at 12:08 am

You cannot conflate B&D and S&M with Ray Rice. The former is by choice and you can blame men for women making this choice; its their ho-hum attitude in the bedroom that bring women to 50 shades road.

Ho-Hum on February 14, 2015 at 6:23 am

The movie, I doubt will do well, all the women I know who read and loved the book say there is no way they could accurately portray the book without and X rating. The first wknd decent numbers after that, straight to dvd type numbers.

Ho-Hum on February 14, 2015 at 6:30 am

Proud to say I had no idea what BDSM was – had to look it up! How about “Boycott divest and sanction Muslims (water boarding included)… Or Morons”
Humor, folks, just humor

Crazycatkid on February 14, 2015 at 10:58 am

the “50 Shades” defense has already been used and fortunately has been unsuccessful. Google “David Dudas” if you’re curious. Excellent review Debbie. The books were horribly written trash. I suffered through the first and part of the second. Awful. Zero literary merit.

Imanwalt on February 14, 2015 at 1:21 pm

While we’re debating the virtues of torture porn, Islamic terrorists mounted a drive-by-shooting of a free speech venue in Copenhagen, Denmark.

Yup, to the Left torture porn is OK. Criticism of Islam isn’t.

NormanF on February 14, 2015 at 1:57 pm

UPDATE:

Shots fired at a synagogue in central Copenhagen.

It looks random and probably can be attributed to Amish.

NormanF on February 14, 2015 at 7:43 pm

And Critical G who is till at heart a lib if you hadn’t already guessed by the hair actually has some pretty good insights into the Arab’s world hate for Israel.

http://youtu.be/O3h6kKBNYR0

thatsallfolks on February 14, 2015 at 10:43 pm

Debbie—I once got three weeks of hate mail in a Western Kentucky small town newspaper for suggesting that
The Passion” might have been directed by an anti-semite. Most of the hate mail was from Conservative churches. The Presbyterianazi church USA is headquartered in Louisville.

So, while you are correct that the majority of Christian Evangelical churches are composed of decent human beings, this does not necessarily apply to Kentucky. Owensboro and Louisville stink on ice. I lived in O’boro for 5 years.

Occam's Tool on February 15, 2015 at 7:02 pm

    Mel Gibson pretty much made it obvious he’s an anti-Semite but I have to say that “The Passion” is pretty true to the scriptural accounts from what I saw.
    Maybe there are elements in it I missed but I don’t have much to criticize in the movie itself.
    Do I think it’s a good movie? Yes. Do I wish I didn’t know he directed it? Yes.
    But it is what it is.

    thatsallfolks on February 15, 2015 at 11:48 pm

      The churches in that area were busing in 5th graders to see the movie.

      Look, you wanna do a passion play, do one. But you don’t need to over dramatize Jews as demons, one. Two, Mel’s dad is a Holocaust denier. And three, I could see the problem with Mel coming even before the in vino veritas finish.

      It is a popular movie in Islamic countries. Two fer for them: whipping Jesus and demonizing Jews.

      Occam's Tool on February 16, 2015 at 4:49 am

I do remember travelling student jerks discussing how brave they though Mel Gibson was in conspiratorial tones at one time in my life.
You can guess why so I see where you’re coming from.
The movie itself though. I don’t see he could have done much different without doing the PC Hollywood thing which almost always a disaster in movies.

thatsallfolks on February 16, 2015 at 12:04 am

sorry for typos.
I can guarantee you leftist trendoids from many European countries think Mel is the bees knees too.

thatsallfolks on February 16, 2015 at 12:07 am

The other day the Israeli ambassador to Denmark mentioned on Sky News that an interesting pattern was developing with Islamic State attacks in Europe. First free speech advocates are attacked and then Jewish communities.
The interviewer didn’t skip a beat. She moved directly to the issue of whether Jews belong in Denmark or not putting Netanyahu firmly on the not side of the fabricated debate.

So if Israelis bring up the issue of the motivators behind the attacks then the UK media will drive a wedge between Jews and Europe and say that wedge is Netanyahu.
They do this reflexively.
Islamic State has developed this pattern for this reason in my opinion and also because it helps justify the brutality to the average Muslims in Europe.

This is the reality of what is going on now. It’s important to realize I think that whether this is cowardice or latent anti-Semitism it doesn’t really matter. In the end they wind up in the same place.

thatsallfolks on February 16, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    correction that was Channel 4 news, they’re all basically the same anyway.

    thatsallfolks on February 16, 2015 at 1:30 pm

“reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled.”
That’s as true of human nature as it is of technology no matter what Carl Sagan thought about it.
It doesn’t matter what the chief Rabbi of Denmark thinks about it either in my opinion.

thatsallfolks on February 16, 2015 at 12:51 pm

I have no plans to see “50 Shades,” and I tried thumbing through the book once and it didn’t grab me like a good book will. I imagine the movie will tank at the box office once the curiosity wears off.

John Doc Holliday on February 16, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    Nobody really cares about 50 shades but that’s sort of the point of the whole thing.

    thatsallfolks on February 16, 2015 at 8:42 pm

Surprised at the Reagans for Kingsman. The wife and I thought it was abysmal. I did clap when Obama’s head exploded, though.

Matt on February 17, 2015 at 8:34 pm

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