December 14, 2005, - 12:52 am
By Debbie Schlussel
Don’t dismiss vapid magazines like People, Blender, and Vogue right off the bat.
If read the right way, they teach a lot about the hypocrisy and vast airspace occupying brainless celebrities in every area of pop culture. Problem is, most subscribers don’t read them the right way–with a jaded, critical eye. Americans who read these glossies absorb them like paper towel to water and believe what’s in them more than the Bible.
Then, there are people like you and me. We see through these pandering weekly and monthly tributes to the “Who’s Who” of the chintzy famous. Most smartly avoid the magazines. But I keep a keen eye on the latest Tookie-esque cause, so you don’t have to. Sometimes–actually, most of the time–the insanity in these wastes of trees is incredible.
Take the January 2006 issue of Ladies Home Journal (LHJ). The cover “lady” is Dr. Phil, honky-tonk king of TV psychobabble. He gives instructions on how to have a successful marriage. He’s had two–one not quite so successful, since he cheated on his wife and left her.
Inside the issue, there is a “scintillating” interview with Barbara Walters, sounding more idiotic than we had earlier diagnosed.
In previewing her ABC News special on Heaven, airing next week, Walters says, “There were things that . . . amused me like the whole business of the 72 virgins who are created for men.” Barbara Walters is “amused” by men who murder thousands of innocent people? Time to put her out to pasture.
Even the editors of LHJ were apparently taken aback. They had to insert an editor’s note explaining that these were suicide bombers with whom Walters is “amused.” I’m sure the victims of these bombers aren’t amused, but most of them aren’t around to talk about it on Walters’ insipid “news” specials.
Walters then makes the false comparison of Christianity as a sexless religion (not true) to the 72 virgins in heaven for Islam. Huh? She seems to forget that there’s that little step of mass murder before Heaven. “And in the Christian religion, the idea is to have a pure life that’s happy and content without sex. According to Islam expert Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, sex for Muslims is part of the joy of heaven.”
I’m sure there are plenty of Christians who’d beg to differ with the Reverend Barbara Walters’ false portrayal of their religion, which believes in the Biblical commandment, “Be fruitful and multiply,” as much as any Abrahamic religion.
Then there’s Blender Magazine’s lists–always belying the righteousness of hypocritical rockers and other glitterati.
The magazine’s December issue features the “50 Dumbest Rock-Star Extravagances.” Except many of the extravagances aren’t just dumb, they’re hypocritical.
My favorite is Bono. The magazine ranks him at #12, but I rank him #1. In 2003, about to play at a charity show for Iraqis, he realized he forgot his favorite hat. No problem. Bono spent $1,700 to fly the hat in a first-class seat from London via British Airways.
Wait. Isn’t this the same Bono who constantly visits a willing Bush White House to pressure us “wealthy” American taxpayers to forgive the gazillions in debt owed us by such murderous terror-host states such as Sudan?
The bloody wealthy Irish rock star wants to spend your tax money to help relief for terrorist states. But he ain’t spending his own money on it. Nope. His money is going to first-class international airfare for a hat.
Then, there’s our other favorite, rapper Kanye “George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People” West. Remember him from the Katrina Hurricaid Telethon? Well, apparently, West doesn’t care about Black people so much either. At least, not as much as he cares about his ceiling. He’s Blender’s #10 on the list–for spending $350,000 to re-create Michaelangelo’s frescoes from Rome’s Sistine Chapel ceiling in his Hollywood Hills dining room. Gee, poor Black people or his ceiling–and the brother chose the latter. Imagine that.
“I’m the closest that hip-hop is getting to God,” West explains. “In some situations I’m like a ghetto Pope.” Puh-leeze.
Animal rights activists Paul and Heather McCartney? They’re really tough on persecutors of beasts–except for themselves. They recently spoke out against China and other countries for using fur from dogs and cats for coats.
But the former Beatle and his then-wife, Linda, also an animal rights activist, didn’t like herds of wild boar roaming on his 1,000-acre estate. They tore up trees and carried swine fever. So in 1999, they built a four-mile long fence to keep the boar out of their natural habitat, his land. The fence remains. So much for animal rights.
Tommy Lee, a/k/a the former Mr. Pamela Anderson, is another animal rights activist. He appears in a PETA ad in the same issue of Blender, naked but for his tattoos. But if he’s so much for animal rights, maybe he could have spent the $4,000 he wasted on a Starbucks coffee house replica in Pam’s house on saving some minks for a useless life as something other than a fur coat.
And finally, there’s Will Smith. He spends $2,500 per month on a “hound analyst” to serve as his four Rottweilers’ doggie psychiatrist when they are depressed.
At least, there is one celeb who made the list for something appropriate. Blues Traveler’s John Popper spent $10,000 for a Civil War cannon to add to his collection of daggers, samurai swords, and 80 guns. He strongly supports the Second Amendment.
And unlike the rest of those in this column, he’s not a hypocrite. He supports that right for ALL of us.
Tags: ABC, animal rights activist, Barbara Walters, Blender, British Airways, China, Debbie Schlussel, doggie psychiatrist, editor, George Bush, Heather McCartney, Hollywood Hills, hound analyst, Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, John Popper, Kanye, King, Linda, London, Pamela Anderson, Paul McCartney, People, Phil, rapper, Rome, Rome's Sistine Chapel, Starbucks, Sudan, swine fever, Tommy Lee, USD, Vogue, White House, Will Smith