August 8, 2008, - 2:41 pm

Weekend Box Office: Skip Violent, Bloody, Vulgar & Stupid “Hell Ride”

By Debbie Schlussel
*** I reviewed new releases, “Pineapple Express,” “Bottle Shock,” and “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2,” earlier this week. (Click on movie titles herein to read my reviews. ***
One of the worst movies of the year, probably the decade, and possibly the century.
I’ve never understood the cult fascination with the bloody, insufferable “Reservoir Dogs.” It seems like a national movie IQ test. If you liked it, you failed.
Hell Ride” is in the same vein. Except that it makes “Reservoir Dogs” seem like high-brow Shakespeare.
“Hell Ride”–a complete mess about rival motorcycle gangs has a stupid story (if you call that a “story,” and I don’t)–and lots of blood, gore, topless and full-frontally naked women, and stupid dialogue meant to be funny and cute, but just entirely inane.

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This is a movie made by pigs for pigs. The lesser-than-human making the lesser-than-human for the lesser-than-human.
You can’t even tell what the hell is going on, and you don’t want to. If you’re me, you just want to leave and wonder why you wasted valuable life you’ll never get back on this disgusting, vulgar display of cinematic screed. It’s supposed to be a throwback to ’70s grindhouse films, so I should have known better.
It stars a fat, washed up, old Michael Madsen, trying to relive his “Reservoir Dogs” days. Time to move on, Mike. Other stars include Dennis Hopper, who gets his cowboy boots peed upon by another gang member. And then there’s gang leader, Pistolero, played by Larry Bishop, the son of Rat-Packer Joey Bishop. Clearly, the talent DNA ended in the previous generation, as Bishop wrote and directed this giant piece of excrement.
Since there’s no real discernible story, it seems like some out of work, fat and aging actors got together and said, “Hey, let’s make a movie where we wear black leather and ride motorcycles in the desert and look cool, and we’ll add a lot of wanton murder, topless women gyrating around and using four-letter words and film it.”
There’s the “charming” scene, where we see a dismembered human head in a box. And then, there’s the “enlightened” scene, in which a man’s body is cut up and dismembered while he’s alive. At least I think that’s what happened, but I covered my face and eyes, so I wouldn’t have that pleasant memory in my mind for the rest of my life.
Bleeeechhhhh. Skip at all cost.
FOUR MARXES PLUS
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