September 20, 2011, - 4:41 pm


By Debbie Schlussel

Okay, so maybe it’s not THE dumbest voluntary face mutilation by piercing ever (there are many more warped faces on Google images for your viewing pleasure).  But it’s up there.  Over the weekend, the Detroit Free Pressistan had a story on University of Michigan fans with divided loyalty.  The story included a pic of this guy, Quinn Garrison, and his tattoos.  And I was thinking:  his tattoos?!  Huh? Look at that stupid metal bar implanted on his chin!  Did he just wake up one day and think to himself, “Hmmm . . . you know what my gorgeous mug is missing that keeps it from total perfection?  A bar between my lower lip and my chin.  Yup, that’s the ticket.”?  Or maybe he thought, “What can I do to deflect attention away from my large forehead?  Hey, I know!  I’ll permanently affix a spoke from my childhood tricycle to my chin.  Wow, I’m brilliant.” Or, “I’ll get a miniature speculum on my face and the chicks’ll wanna date me!”

Why do people do this?  It’s not cool.  Any moron with $50-$100 bucks can go to a tattoo and piercing shop and get metal implanted on his/her face.  It’s not healthy.  You can get infections and the piercings are a cesspool for bacteria.  And it isn’t brave.  There are tens of thousands of U.S. troops far more brave than you.  Some of them now have mutilated faces because of battle wounds they didn’t want.  You mutilate your face voluntarily in the comfort of an air-conditioned head shop.  That ain’t brave.  It’s not even radical.  It’s just moronic and will give you ugly scars and holes that will outlast your stupidity. In the meantime, it announces to the world, “Hey, I’m a frickin’ moron!” Good luck at job interviews, buddy.

So glad our soldiers are dying for your right to affix your car’s mirror stem to your face. Freedom is great. Sometimes–too many times!–it manifests in the utterly absurd and incredibly stupid.

Oh, and by the way, this is a liberal thing. How many conservatives do you know with metal hardware permanently affixed to their faces? These morons voted for Obama . . . if they voted.


20 Responses

These idiots are exposing themselves to serious mutilation if they get into fights with the wrong people…..the possibilities of what may happen to them are nauseating.

Not Ovenready on September 20, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Did’nt the brave boys and veteranos die for the ‘God-given freedom’ to have metal implanted in your face in the comfort of an air-conditioned head shop? You insolent moron…

Conor Gregory on September 20, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Correction – should you so wish to have metal implanted in your face in said air-conditioned head shop.

Conor Gregory on September 20, 2011 at 5:12 pm

You know, my kids’ former babysitter recently put small piercings in her face (I’m not talking about earings, I’m talking about little implants above her lips)—such a beautiful young lady—I wanted to cry.

There is NO point to this. None. Ladies, it does not make men desire you. Sorry. And if the point is to get the “porn star” look, you should know that porn stars know that every tat or piercing reduces the number of jobs you will be offered. (I lived in the San Fernando Valley for several years—information is available there that is available no where else.)

There is no point. Guys, go ahead. Just reduces the competition of the field for me should my wife ever run away into the darkness.

Occam's Tool on September 20, 2011 at 5:23 pm

“It will give you ugly scars and holes that will outlast your stupidity.”

I would have to agree with the “ugly scars and holes” part, but the second half of the above sentence is certainly wide open to speculation.

Irving on September 20, 2011 at 5:45 pm

I quit putting a small hoop in my ear years ago after realizing that a short confrontation could really mess up my ear. Maybe even the whole side of my face if the metal was dragged across it due to a decent headlock. I have enough scars already.

samurai on September 20, 2011 at 5:47 pm

I agree. That has to be the dumbest piercing ever.

Ghostwriter on September 20, 2011 at 6:05 pm

He bears a striking resemblance to Dr. Hammond from the Green Lantern.

cirrus1701 on September 20, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Ew. So ugly.

I hate piercings. They look horrible.

Skunky on September 20, 2011 at 7:54 pm

The fictitious “Red Green” character (Steve Smith), in a section of a 1994 edition of his Canadian-based TV comedy show, put the whole issue of body piercings in perspective: He noted that the earlier generation was taught that, besides growing up clean and honest, the goal was to “end life’s journey with the same number of holes you started with.” He also wondered whether pierced tongues would serve as speed bumps whenever people ate.

ConcernedPatriot on September 20, 2011 at 8:57 pm

I think human race will get to a point where some folks will get cybernetic implants just because they think they are “kewl”.

“I had my arm chopped off and got this wicked robot arm.”

“Can you feel anything with that?”

“No, but it’s waaaay awesome.”

In the Year 2100 on September 20, 2011 at 9:08 pm

“Or maybe he thought, “What can I do to deflect attention away from my large forehead?”

I could not stop laughing when I read this. It reminded me of this:

Thank you. I needed a good laugh today!

Pats on September 20, 2011 at 11:21 pm

I wouldn’t make this guy mad, he looks like he could hurt you with his brain.

David Lanham on September 21, 2011 at 1:26 am

That piercing looks horrible!

Rochelle on September 21, 2011 at 4:38 am

Yes, but look at the favor these nincompoops are doing us. They tell us, “I am a nitwit. I live in a shoe…Keep me at an arm’s length.” Of course, after their drug, partying, and “cool” years, and years of welfare and unemployment, many of them will be on the streets with the lefties telling us we need to turn our pockets inside out with compassion for them.

shegundala on September 21, 2011 at 11:41 am

ICE would hire him as a Special Agent. Based on the people they hire, they have a preference for people with multiple piercings, massive amounts of tattoos, and who are seriously overweight.

King David on September 21, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Not only do they expose themselves to mutilation, but also to serious infections. Debbie, these people don’t go looking for jobs and if they do are actually surprised when they are rejected. So much for common sense.

Naomi R on September 21, 2011 at 1:34 pm

We still live in a free country. If you want to mutilate yourself, or engage in destructive or deviant behavior, go ahead, that’s your business, I don’t care if it’s drugs, degrading sexual practices, extreme tattoos, implants, or body piercings. Just don’t complain or expect me to bail you out later when you are rejected by “society,” and can’t get a decent job, or a job period, or lose your children, or have health problems because of choices YOU decided to make. And don’t complain when people stop patronizing media outlets that broadcast the self-inflicted plight of those same individuals.

conservative headbanger on September 21, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Whatever you do, don’t stand next to him (or others like him) during an electrical storm.

Dustbag (Gen 2:7) on September 22, 2011 at 12:36 am

I can’t even.
I could have sworn it was 2012 and not 1960. Okay. I don’t even know where to begin. First of all he has labret piercing. He just decide-for whatever reason-to put in a different style post/jewelry. Piercings are not a thing of the past.Tattoos aren’t either. They have both been around as long as civilization has been. I don’t understand why you people think it’s stupid and ‘ugly’ to put metal though our skin. I have 17 piercing,my cheeks among them. You’re probably going to say I’m stupid and a moron for expressing myself,but oh well. Also there was no need to make fun of the guys’ forehead.

People these days. on June 21, 2012 at 10:57 am

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